Welcome to Selah Counseling's Blog

Connection...

2011-09-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

In this busy life it seems that the time to sit down and write a well thought out blog post has become less and less through the years. While that is the case, social networking and the brief approach of sharing a 140 character thought or inspiration or declaration seems to fit more easily within the packed daily schedule.

Having said that, will I still blog here? Yes... occasionally.

But if you want to find a more frequent connection to Selah Counseling you can do that through following on Facebook or Twitter. Come and join me there and share your own inspirational thoughts or quotes on life and mental health.

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mental health

What Therapy is and is Not

2011-04-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

"Therapy isn't curing somebody of something; it is a means of helping a person explore himself, his life, his consciousness. My purpose as a therapist is to find out what it means to be human. Every human being must have a point at which he stands against the culture, where he says, 'This is me and the world be damned!' Leaders have always been the ones to stand against the society — Socrates, Christ, Freud, all the way down the line." - Rollo May

The Forgiveness Factor

2011-01-14T04:43:00.000-08:00

How important is forgiveness? What if we don't feel the person who hurt us deserves to be forgiven? Does it merely hurt that person if we choose not to forgive? No. In fact, the only person it hurts if we fail to forgive... is one's self. That other person is likely oblivious to the hurt we feel, or furthermore--may not even care.
So how important is forgiveness? It is just the very thing we need to be able to embrace for our own well-being.

A couple more thoughts about forgiveness before I share a song on this topic. Forgiveness is not simply, or necessarily, a one time event. You may find, like I have, that forgiveness is a process. A process that may take daily, or sometimes hourly, reaffirmation on our part that we choose to forgive the one who has hurt us.

One more point: forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. We can make the choice to forgive--to release ourselves from the resentment. But that does not always mean that the "checkbook" of the relationship has been reconciled. There may still be a negative balance against which checks from the relationship that are presented for payment may "bounce." But the personal cost is greater not to forgive. Remember, it is not your fault that the "check" presented to you may "bounce," the only thing you are responsible for is yourself... not anyone else's rubble.

"You live your life like a tornado.
Destruction follows everywhere you go.
And you have no plans to stop or slow.
I will not let this bitter root grow in me.

I will not let you leave that legacy,
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see.
And every time I find healing, you’re making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And I tried to remove myself from your path,
But I keep on waking up in the aftermath.
So I pick up again and say I won’t look back.
And I will not let this bitter root grow in me.

I will not let you leave that legacy,
But this constant fight is breaking me.

And every time I find healing, you’re making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love;
When everything you touch is rubble and dust.
And it gets so hard to know how to trust,
But I will not let that bitter root grow.
I will not let it, no no.
But it gets so hard.
And every time I find healing you’re making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness."

(Lyrics by Sara Groves)

Exile of the Mind

2010-12-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a loved one in your life that just seemed to suddenly slip away deep into the unknown recesses of their mind? One day they are alive and present -- and the next they don't seem to resemble the person you know and love.
Why? Age? Surgery? Illness? Accident? This happens more often than we would like to think about. And sometimes it can be sooner than a family expected -- and not due to aging. There seems to be a link between excessive stress or traumatic life events that can cause a loved one to sink into an untimely disappearance to the exile of the mind.

"A number of authors have suggested a possible link between life traumatisms and the dementia* processes. The aim of this study is to reveal the presence of life traumatisms preceding the apparition of the dementia syndrome.
[The study] includes 565 patients presenting the criterion of dementia as defined by the DSM IV, and questionnaires filled out by the principle caregivers. One item of the questionnaire referred to life events played a part in which could have the development of the disorder. In a second stage, the reported events were classified into 4 distinct categories: loss, repeated or prolonged stress, psychotraumatism and depression-inducing events."

The above is only one excerpt from many articles that exist on this topic. Such information gives credence to my hunch that repeated and prolonged stress, or traumatic life events can cause a person (who finds no other solace in their daily lives) to retreat to the reluctant exile of the mind.

(*If the condition has been present less than 6 months and had a more acute onset it is termed delirium.)

What can be done to help a loved one recover? Every case is unique of course, and only a medical professional can determine whether your loved one is experiencing dementia or delirium. However, your familiar, reassuring, and watchful presence is one of the most valuable things that can happen in the recovery. As you wait for your sick loved one to get better, you accomplish a lot by supporting them. It is also crucial to minimize anything that could further stress or confuse your loved one. Also it is important to quickly tell hospital/hospice staff if you notice uncharacteristic changes or behaviors. Then, it will take time and patience in the anticipation of recovery. You can be a welcomed familiar face -- whenever your loved one is able to return from the exile of the mind.

It's Not OK

2010-11-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every fiber of your being knows that what is happening to you is not OK, and that you are not alright? I'd venture to say most of us have. Sometimes the best thing I can say to another is: no, that is not OK and no, you are not insane.

"I'm Not Alright"

"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall...
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall.

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong."

(Sanctus Real)

mental health

Love never fails (read the fine print)

2010-08-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

"Love never fails." No matter your spiritual background you have likely heard that one. But read the fine print. Love never fails (but people do, and they will).

What is the first thing that happens when love does fail? Does the person who failed get the blame? No. Love does. People get hurt and they swear they won't love again. Plus add to that, they have lost hope as well.

I've worked with a lot of families and have seen a lot of lost love -- and a lot of people failing one another. This kind of thing gives me fresh eyes for an old story.

There was a once son who had a family. It would have seemed as though he had all he needed. He even had a brother to lighten the load (and take part of the blame when things went wrong). And yet, there was discontent among the family members. The siblings were bickering, the son didn’t like that he lost privileges because the other sibling had broken some rules. In addition to all that, times were tight in the land and the son was not getting all the material things he believed he deserved. The son was tired of the chores, tired of the rules -- tired of the lack.

One day the son decided he was going to leave. He was entitled to have all he wanted, and to live the life of freedom he believed he deserved. Did he ask for these things? No. He took them. In fact, he demanded them. And then he left. Left in a hurry without giving his family any time to prepare... or to have any closure.

From here most people know how that story goes. But there has got to be a back-story that few may have thought about.

What about those left back home? What about the father? Well, we know he was ever watching--hoping the son would return. But I imagine he was also grieving. What about the brother? We know he was angry and felt he got the short end of the stick. Why? Because he had not only been the one to work doubly hard now, but I imagine he may have also been someone who needed to comfort his father during this time of sadness and loss. No wonder he was angry! He is thinking "My brother is off having the time of his life, doing whatever he wants, getting all the clothes, food, easy company and laughter he wants. And me? I am working twice as hard now... and dealing with my father's broken heart."

Seems like it would be very easy in that situation to blame love. Love did fail! We gave our best, and still we are left with empty hearts and calloused hands!

Even when loss and disappointment of such life altering proportions does inevitably arrive (unannounced and unwelcome)... I must remind myself (and I encourage you to remind yourself) it is not love that failed. People fail. Love never fails. And please, try not to give up on hope either, for it was not hope that disappointed.

"Don't say it's love that broke your heart
When you trusted someone
Cause love's the victim, not the crime
And love will be there to break your fall
If you'll trust in love, just in love
Know that love could never break your heart
But love can break your fall.
I know it's hard to trust again
But I'll stay with you, stay with me now
Let go of your heartache, learn to forgive
Won't you wait just a moment
And give your heart a chance to begin again
Though you've run before
Tell me, where will you go if you walk out the door?
I could never have found my own way
It was God's love that saved this heart of mine from dying
And when you find His love is all that you have...
Then you see love is all that you need."
(By Grant Cunningham and Mark Hammond)

mental health

spirituality

The Myth of Perfection

2010-01-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

There is no solace to be found in the myth of perfection. And yet, so many of us hold up the banner, and pledge allegiance to the myth of perfection.

Is there anything wrong with the pursuit of goodness, excellence, fidelity? Of course not.

However, living in circles that primarily outwardly display the persona of perfection can fill one with the idea that their imperfections are not welcome in the daylight. There is plenty of affirmation that struggles and failures are not welcome out in the open. I speak from the experience of having been raised within Christian circles. You want to know something about amazing grace? The amazing thing is that so many of the ones who take on the name of Christ know so little about extending grace to other humans.

This is not a dissertation for or against religion. This is more of an encouragement for anyone who might still be willing to open up and be appropriately transparent with others around them.

Why?

For the purpose of letting others know that they can make it through hard times. (Some say the only way out is through.) That maybe they don't have to pull up stakes and run and hide to conceal their imperfections and wounds. That they are not simply welcome within a community once they clean themselves up bind up their own woulds and present in front of others with the continued myth of perfection untarnished.

"Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?
Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?
False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light Keep your secrets to yourself It's not about you but them lookin' right No time to be ugly Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears Shout for joy little boys and girls You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too." (John Reuben)

The mysteries of change and pain

2009-12-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that one roadblock that stands in the way of change is the tendency for people, myself included, to deny or numb the pain we feel about our situation. I’m sure, of course, there are certain types of pain where this strategy is perfectly justified. But what happens when we deny the pain related to something such as our life, history, vocation? Here are a few things that seem to be common to the experience:

We forget how to dream
We forget our true capabilities and skills
We become unhappy (both consciously and unconsciously)
We turn to forms of escapism

So how should a person deal with this pain? One suggestion is to recognize and feel the pain. It will be uncomfortable and it could hurt a great deal, but you will at least know you are alive instead of being a zombie or on autopilot. And in fact, I have learned to acknowledge that in some ways, pain is my friend. Not in a sadomasochistic way, but in the sense that pain can provide me with information. Information that may be useful on my journey toward change and growth.

It was been discovered that it is often in these moments of pain that we can begin to be willing to open the door to change. When we are honest with ourselves about the problem, we give ourselves the opportunity to fix it. And not only that, we can tap into an incredible source of motivation.

More at this link... http://www.thechangeblog.com/feel-the-pain/

"We change when the pain to change is less than the pain to remain as we are." (Ed Foreman)

Loved ones with Depression

2009-11-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

It is widely reported that mental illness may strike one in four individuals. However, the reality is that it affects us all! We all have contact with individuals who struggle with mental health challenges.
How can you help a loved one who may suffer from depression? Empathy, love, support--even humor.
I will share a link here with some food for thought on this important topic.

“Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one.”
(Dr. William Menninger)

mental health

Alumni page on Facebook for LaSalle University in Mandeville, LA.

Adding Insult to Injury?

2009-07-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Most of us have heard that expression. No one wants to be in the position of having insult added to injury they are already coping with. I have found that often we are the ones who more often than not are adding the insult to our own injuries. How do we do that? One of the ways I know I do that is by adding suffering on top of the pain I experience. How do I do that? One way is by not living in the present moment--let alone the present day. If I am feeling pain or infirmity on a given day, many times my mind starts wandering away from the present moment. I start thinking “if my (knee or back, etc.) is hurting like this today, how am going to maintain complete strength and independence at 80?” Seems pretty silly to be thinking that when I finally get to a place of re-centering myself. But in a moment like that--then is when I add suffering to my pain--when I add insult to my injuries. It is often not so much what is happening to us, but more the meaning we ascribe to it.

So many truths come to mind when I am being present enough in the now to regain my focus. Simple lines from songs, like: “One day at a time” or “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow... morning by morning new mercies I see” or even “I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn, across a blue blanket, I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless--and in this moment I am happy.” Music has always been able to reach me when about nothing else could.

I also gain life enhancing wisdom from books I read. Here is a quote: “All God’s beautiful creatures do (stay in the now) in every moment of their existence. They’re not concerned with their demise; they bask in the exhilaration of the now. Every moment is fully experienced. They don’t make life an enemy and use up their precious moments in a state of anxiety or depression.” (Wayne Dyer)

The above quote brought to mind:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

(Matthew 6:30-34)

OK. So, I have got here a fair amount of excellent meditation material to help me focus on the now. Simple daily meditations to remind myself: “His grace is sufficient” I have “strength for today and hope for tomorrow” help me stay focused on the goal: “maintaining a friendly relationship with the now rather than treating it as an obstacle to endure on the way to somewhere else.” (Dyer)

What will I choose right now? What will you choose?

LOL your way to better health!

2009-04-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

That's right my friends! Whether you LOL, ROFL, LYAO or just plain old chuckle... let it out! The heartier and more frequent the better! Most of us have heard the old adage "laughter is the best medicine." But, how can humor and laughter heal? Well, let's find out more!

9 Ways That Humor Heals

By Therese J. Borchard

Of all my tools to combat depression and negativity, humor is by far the most fun. And just like mastering the craft of writing, I’m finding that the longer I practice laughing at life—and especially its frustrations–the better I become at it, and the more situations and conversations and complications I can place into that category named “silly.”

G. K. Chesterton once wrote: “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” And Proverbs 17:22 says that “a happy heart is good medicine.” I’d add that human beings can heal (at least partially!) from a host of different illnesses if they learn how to laugh. Here are just a few ways our bodies, minds, and spirits begin to mend with a dose of humor.

1. Humor combats fear.

I know this first hand, having sat in a community room of a psych ward watching a video of a comedian poke fun at depression. Like everyone else occupying a chair in that room, I was scared to death. Of many things … That I would never smile again. Or love again. Or even WANT to love again. I was fearful of life, and everything it involved.

That panic didn’t instantly transform into a hearty chuckle once the psych nurse popped in the funny video. But the climate of the room was noticeably different. Patients began to open up more, to share some of the details they had left out in the prior group therapy session.

Humor disengages fear because it changes your perspective: of the past and of the present. The traumatic childhood episode loses its tight grip on your heart if you can place it into the “ridiculous” category of other stories from the past. With a playful perspective, you can remove yourself from the marital problem that has you debilitated with anxiety. Laughter forces a few steps–some much-needed distance– between a situation and our reaction. We all would do well to follow the advice of Leo Buscaglia: “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. And swing!”

2. Humor comforts.

Charlie Chaplin once said, “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.” I suppose that’s why some of the funniest people out there—Stephen Colbert, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, Art Buchwald—have journeyed through periods of torment.

There is an unspoken message hidden within a chuckle–even the slightest cackle– that says this: “I promise, you’ll get through this.” Just like the comforting hug of your mom when you were three. In fact, New York City’s Big Apple Circus has used humor to console sick children since 1986, when they started sending teams of clowns into hospital rooms with “rubber chicken soup” and other fun surprises. “It’s for the children, yes,” explains Jane Englebardt, deputy director of the circus, in an “American Fitness” article. “But it’s also for the parents who, when they hear their children laugh for the first time in days or weeks, know everything’s going to be O.K.”

3. Humor relaxes.

Like any exercise, laughing relaxes you, and works against chronic stress that most Americans wear on the shoulder. Mehmet C. Oz, M.D., a heart surgeon at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center in New York City, explains why this is so in a 2005 “Reader’s Digest” article:

When you push any engine, including your body, to its maximum, every once in a while it slips a gear. The ways the body manifests that are: irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, and increased sensitivity to pain. When people use humor, the autonomic nervous system just tones down a bit to take it off high gear, and that allows the heart to relax.

4. Humor reduces pain.

Apparently the psych nurses at Laurel Regional Hospital weren’t the only ones gathering patients around the TV to watch funny flicks or videos. Dr. Elias Shaya, chief of psychiatry at Good Samaritan Hospital in Baltimore also tries to instill the importance of laughter in his patients. Says Dr. Shaya: “I advocate finding ways to laugh by watching comedy or engaging in looking up jokes and sharing them.”

“Humor rooms,” which encourage people to use humor in their recovery from any kind of illness, are now available in some hospitals. And science backs these efforts. In a study published in the Journal of Holistic Nursing, humor very definitely seemed to diminish pain. Says Dave Traynor, M.Ed, director of health education at Natchaug Hospital in Mansfield Center, Connecticut in “American Fitness”: “After surgery, patients were told one-liners prior to administration of potentially painful medication. The patients exposed to humor perceived less pain as compared to patients who didn’t receive humor stimuli.”

5. Humor boosts the immune system.

Whenever I prick myself accidentally, I tell a joke, and my finger doesn’t bleed! Well, not exactly. But if you are laid up in bed with a terrible strain of the flu that your four-year-old brought home from her play date yesterday, try to find an itsy-bitsy thread of humor in your situation, and you’ll be back to work in no time. Or, better yet, dwell in the misery and stay away from the cubicle longer.

In 2006 researchers led by Lee Berk and Stanley A. Tan at Loma Linda University in Loma Linda, Califormia, found that two hormones—beta-endorphins (which alleviate depression) and human growth hormone (HGH, which helps with immunity) increased by 27 and 87 percent respectively when volunteers anticipated watching a humorous video. Simply anticipating laughter boosted health-protecting hormones and chemicals.

In his “American Fitness” article, Dave Traynor explains a separate study at Arkansas Tech University, in which concentrations of immunoglobulin A were increased after 21 fifth graders participated in a humor program. (I’m nervous to hear about the details of that fifth-grade humor program, because my kids roar whenever you throw out a bathroom term.) Laughter was once again found to increase the ability to fight viruses and foreign cells.

6. Humor reduces stress.

The same research team at Loma Linda, California, conducted a similar study recently to see if the anticipation of laughter that was shown to boost immune systems could also reduce the levels of three stress hormones: cortisol (”the stress hormone”), epinephrine (adrenaline), and dopac, a dopamine catabolite (brain chemical which helps produce epinephrine).

They studied 16 fasting males, who were assigned to either the control group or the experiment group (those anticipating a humorous event). Blood levels showed that the stress hormones were reduced 39, 70, and 38 percent respectively. Therefore, researchers suggest that anticipating a positive event can reduce detrimental stress hormones.

7. Humor spreads happiness.

I remember playing the game of “Ha” as a young girl at my third-grade slumber party. I would lay my head on my friend’s tummy, and she would lay her head on another friend’s tummy, and so on. The first person would start the chain of laughs with a simple, “Ha!” The second person, “Ha Ha!” The third, “Ha Ha Ha,” at which point everyone would break into hysterics. About absolutely nothing. The way a person’s abdomen tightens and moves when she says “ha” makes you want to giggle.

My point: laughter is contagious. That’s why there are 5,000 laughter clubs around the world—where people laugh for no reason at all. Say what? According to Dr. Shaya of Good Samaritan Hospital, “These clubs have exercises that teach how to move your face, how to laugh more intensely to involve the shoulders, then the belly.” Laughing yoga classes are also popular today.

8. Humor cultivates optimism.

Humor is like gratitude in that it nurtures optimism, and Dan Baker writes this in “What Happy People Know”:

[Appreciation] is the first and most fundamental happiness tool. … Research now shows it is physiologically impossible to be in a state of appreciation and a state of fear at the same time. Thus, appreciation is the antidote to fear.

So if humor can change a perspective on a painful memory of the past or a gnawing issue of the present into opportunities to laugh at the inherent craziness of life at times, then a person can better facilitate his own healing.

9. Humor helps communication.

This is good marriage advice for anyone. But especially for the person prone to anxiety and depression. Most of Eric’s and my fights end with one of us making a sarcastic remark that is met with a snicker, and then a yuk, and then a roar. Voila! The quarrel is magically resolved! Sort of.

Humor is a way to articulate those truths that are so difficult to express otherwise. It’s handy language for someone like myself that doesn’t like to use big words, who is still fretting about her low verbal SAT scores because the college administrators didn’t think they were funny. If only they had read this article!

Therese J. Borchard writes the daily Beliefnet.com blog Beyond Blue (voted by Psych Central as one of the Top 10 Depression Blogs)

mental health

Calculating your worth

2009-03-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

In this world of crumbling financial markets, rising unemployment and uncertainty how does one calculate their worth? Well, the "calculations" start pretty young in our lives. Conditions of worth are placed upon us by family, friends, school, church, etc.
What are conditions of worth? They are pretty much like what they sound like--conditions that must be met in order for us to be loved or accepted ("worthy") by a certain person or group of people. What about expectations? Don't we all need to be able to live up to certain basic standards in this world? Yes. That is something very different.
Expectations of being are not the same as conditions of worth. An expectation of being could be a dress code, honoring traffic laws, fulfilling job requirements, etc. Expectations of being are more about behavior and things we all need to do in order to be good citizens, good students (Setting expectations for a student to do their personal best is much different than being disappointed in your student if they do not maintain "straight 'A's'."), good family members, good employees.
Conditions of worth go deeper than that and take things to an unrealistic level. What do conditions of worth look like? I imagine that anyone out there reading this could offer a list of some conditions of worth that were placed on them growing up, as a teen, even continuing on into adult life. How about only being loved or accepted if you maintain a certain weight, hair length, wear certain type clothes or shoes, make a certain amount of money, drive a certain type of car, maintain a certain standing in the company? Does any of that sound familiar in your life? If it does then you have been experiencing being accepted or loved or judged by conditions of worth. These are damaging to our sense of self-worth and identity... often leaving individuals feeling "less than."
How do you calculate your worth? Or the worth of those in your life? Here are some thoughts on a deeper source of worth... the experience of being loved unconditionally either by another person or by your Higher Power really is like no other in this life!

This song below touches quite effectively on this theme of conditions of worth:

"Is it any wonder

That she would feel less than real

When she reveals what is clearer

In her mirror

Take a look around her

Magazines, glamor queens

Waist-line dreams in her diary

So inspiring

Nobody told her that little girls

Don't have to have the softest curls for love

So whatever's left inside her

Is gonna smile wider, shine brighter

Until she gets pulled under

Is it any wonder?

Is it any wonder

That he's obsessed with what is best

And nothing less... he's a hero

With six zeros

Take a look around him

His wallet size and what he drives

Will symbolize how he's made it

How they'll grade it

Nobody told him that little boys

Don't have to have the fastest toys to win

So whatever's left inside him

Is gonna keep on tryin' to keep on buyin'

Until he gets pulled under

Is it any wonder?

Will somebody tell her there's a

love that can't be glamorized

Tell him there's a hope that won't be downsized

Someone tell them that the billboards lie

All the time

'Cause whatever's left inside her

Is gonna smile wider

And whatever's left inside him

Is gonna keep on tryin'

Until they get pulled under

Is it any wonder?"

Nichole Nordeman - Is It Any Wonder

mental health

counseling

spirituality

community

Must... Resist... CONTROL...

2009-03-20T10:33:00.001-07:00

I heard a quote once that really resonated with me. I heard it in the context of material I was teaching in a B.I.P. I regularly facilitate. The quote was:

"Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence..." (Ghandi)

Think about that one for a minute. What do you think of that?

One of the main premises we come from when attempting to instruct men how to change their mind about their abusive behaviors and become men of integrity is that at the root of their abusive behaviors is power and control. Trying to obtain power, and maintain control. Control is really an illusory thing anyway, but that may be another topic for another day. The only thing that anyone has any measure of control over is their OWN thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions and inactions. PERIOD.

Here is a good article on this topic.

Resisting Control
Imposing Your Will On Others
The right to make your own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control others. They may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power. These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. However, nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.

Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.

If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities. Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.

mental health
counseling

community

Breathing and Noticing

2009-03-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Breathing and Noticing... this is something I heard an instructor recommend at a training I attended once. It was actually a mindfulness technique that I believed I could utilize in my own life.
Below I am posting a very useful article from PsychCentral with some further calming techniques for a distressed mind. And who couldn't use a little more calming in this crazy world?

Calming Your Distressed Mind

by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Sometimes in life it’s helpful to have signposts that we can see to help bring us back to the present moment and reinforce a certain way of being that we aspire to. Just like signs on the road may help remind us to slow down or children crossing, we can use short verses in our day to day to remind us to be how we want to be.

Check for auto-pilot reaction before moving on: Take a moment to check in with any judgments that might be arising right now. For example, “short verses? Is he nuts? How could that ever help me?” or “What is this, an affirmation, those never work.” Or “why am I even continuing to read this?” If anything like this arises, this is normal, just take a moment to notice the automatic judgment, let it be, take a breath to help ground to the here and now and then gently continue on with the next paragraph.

Acclaimed author, teacher, and Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh uses short phrases all the time to support himself in being more present, grounded, and aware in daily life. He has taught this practice to medical professionals, Psychologists, and students for many years now. He teaches the practices of walking and/or breathing and using these phrases to support us in calming our distressed minds and being more present to every day life.

For example,

You may take three steps while breathing in and say “Breathing in, I calm my body” and then with the following three steps “Breathing out, I relax.” You can then shorten this to saying “calm” as you breathe in, and “relax” as you breathe out.
“Breathing in, I notice the colors all around me, breathing out, I smile.” Then shorten to “Breathing in, colors, breathing out, smile.” Even if we don’t feel like smiling, the simple act of doing a half-smile sometimes can change the tension in our faces, which in turn affects our mood.
“Breathing in, I have arrived, breathing out, I am home.” Then shorten too “Breathing in, arrived, breathing out, home.” Have you ever had the experience where you were rushing home to relax. It doesn’t make sense and isn’t effective is calming the nervous system. Sometimes reminding ourselves that we have arrived to the present moment already and that we are home can help calm an anxious mind. We can then slow down and get home a few minutes later in a more collected and relaxed state.
“Breathing in, I wash my hands, breathing out, may I use them wisely throughout the day.” Shorten to, “Breathing in, washing, breathing out, wise hands.” This practice can not only bring appreciation to one of the unsung heroes of our bodies, our hands, but also reinforce the idea of being aware of all they do during the day and being more mindful with them. This cultivation of appreciation can support us in feeling well.

These are just some examples; you can make up your own that fit for you. You can do this while walking or just sitting and breathing. And of course, most important of all, don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. If it’s not for you, cast it aside, but give it a shot. Pay attention to how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally before doing it and then again after you do it for a few breaths.

mental health

counseling

community

broken AND used!

2009-03-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

I was reading a friend's blog today, and her post reminded me of my thoughts on the subject of being a cracked pot.

I used to believe that I had to be perfect. I somehow internalized the idea that it was my responsibility to keep myself polished and pristine--free of flaws. I don't know if I was taught this at home or at church or if it was the "first born" in me. However, much to my dismay that goal was just not possible to achieve--let alone maintain!
Once reality had hit me square between the eyes, I found myself cracked and scratched up with the paint chipped. I had believed that if I was no longer "perfect" (what a myth that anyone could even be perfect) I was relegated to the shelf in the back room... basically discarded. And there I stayed--for a while. Have you ever been there?

But thankfully, after a time of healing (the healing is ever an ongoing journey not a destination)--including gracious and wise interventions, I discovered that I could still be valuable in spite of the fact I am broken and cracked. And in fact, it seems as if it is because I am cracked that The Light shines out from inside of me to those around me all the more effectively.
Broken AND used... imagine that!
Plus, it is my brokenness that has given me wheelbarrow loads full of compassion and empathy for individuals from all walks of life as well as from many and varied backgrounds.
I'll end this post with a thought provoking quote (which could very well spark another post topic at some point).

"If we're all cracked pots,
then why are most of us walking around
with hammers
instead of glue?"

mental health

counseling

spirituality

community

Coming Clean...

2009-03-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

We have all been in situations when we have done something we know we shouldn't have been doing. What is generally our natural reaction?

Cover, deflect, blame, minimize, justify.

I regularly facilitate a group. During group one night this week, while the participants were having their check-in time, one individual gave a report that "all was well and things were going better." Sounded encouraging. However, as facilitator of this group I was privy to information about this person's week that he was not coming clean with. So I probed and prompted, and still he stuck to his story.

The rest of the participants took their turn, and now it was time for break. Right before everyone left the room, this above man said "before we go I have to come clean with everyone..." and he did!

What happened next? Did we call him down? Did the group ridicule him? Did we make a mark on his record? Did we shame him? No! To the contrary, many people--myself included--cheered for him and gave him "high 5's, patted him on the back, etc.

Is that how it works in your world? In your family of origin? In your church?
Why is it that in many churches during the "invitation" a dozen verses of "Just as I am" are sung while everyone's heads are bowed. The pastor almost begs repeatedly for the parishioners to come forward and come clean. Why the hesitation? Why the delay? Could it be because churches, families, communities are sending the wrong message about "coming clean"?

"Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot
...

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come."

It occurs to me that coming clean ought to look and feel a little more like it did in that group that night. Where a person can't hold inside what they need to be rid of any longer, and before another minute passes they blurt out what it is that they need to confess. And when they do... what is the response? Shame, alienation, recrimination? How about encouragement, rejoicing, welcoming... invitation to restoration!

Which experience leaves you wanting to stand tall, go forth and come clean and stay clean?

spirituality

community

You'll never die...

2009-03-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

spirituality

Are Mental and Spiritual Health Linked?

2009-02-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Does this seem like a ludicrous question to you? It has taken the health care community long enough to begin to reintegrate the mind and body connection. How challenging would it be to see individuals incorporate spirit along with the mind and the body? We tend to be better served when we think of ourselves as whole individuals comprised of mind, body and spirit. I recently read an article online regarding the role spiritual coping plays in recovery from depression.

Quote: Depressed seniors who believe their life is guided by a larger spiritual force have significantly fewer symptoms of depression than those who do not use religious coping strategies. Moreover, this relationship is independent of the amount of social support those individuals receive, according to results of a prospective study presented at the 2002 annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association.
"This is a pretty remarkable study–and when you see these kind of data coming out from both medical and psychiatric populations, it’s hard to continue ignoring religion as a variable in the recovery from depression," said Harold G. Koenig, MD, associate professor of psychiatry and of medicine at Duke University Medical Center, Durham, N.C.

According to study author Hayden Bosworth, PhD, attempts in the literature to distinguish the effects of religion from the effects of social support on depression have led to mixed success (Husaini BA et al. Int J Aging Hum Dev 1999;48:63-72). Dr. Bosworth, associate director, health services research and development, Durham Veterans Affairs Medical Center, and his colleagues attempted to address the issue by examining the effects of religious practices, coping mechanisms and social support on recovery among individuals diagnosed with major depression.
"These results indicate that clinicians should encourage reconnection with religion as a way of coping in patients whose spirituality has been important to them," concluded Dr. Bosworth.

"Physicians need to pay attention to their patients’ religious beliefs and practices," added Dr. Koenig. "Rather than continuing to see it as a liability or unhealthy crutch, they should see it as a potential strength in overcoming depression."

–Daniel Ko

Table. Questions Asked About Religious Practices and Positive and Negative Religious Coping

Religious Practices

Frequency and nature of:

attendance at religious services and other religious activities at places of worship

prayer outside of a church or synagogue

watching or listening to religious programming

reading the Bible or other religious or inspirational literature

Positive Religious Coping

Agreement with the following statements:

"I think about how my life is part of a larger spiritual force."

"God and I work together as partners."

"I look to God for strength, support and guidance."

Negative Religious Coping

Agreement with the following statements:

"I feel God is punishing me for my sins or lack of spirituality."

"I wonder whether God has abandoned me."

"I try to make sense of the situation and decide what to do without relying on God."

Article found at Mental Health Today.

mental health

counseling

The only person you can change... is you!

2008-11-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

Is that a revelation to any of you? I think at one point in time in my life it was a revelation to me. How much daily energy do we spend trying to overtly or covertly change those around us? A friend, a boyfriend, a family member, a wife? Why? Why do we exert so much of our precious energy trying to change everyone else around us... except for ourselves? How can we take self-responsibility in our own lives and leave the change and growth of others up to those individuals? So many questions. Maybe this article will have some answers.

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (on PsychCentral)

One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.
Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.
mental health
counseling

But it wasn't my fault!

2008-11-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? Be honest now... it could have been some variation on that theme to sugar coat it... but we have all said it! Why do people play the blame game? Here is an excellent article by Keith Ferrazzi on this topic.

Whom do we blame when we fail? The short answer is "everyone but ourselves." Extensive research in psychology (Jones & Harris 1967, Ross 1977) has shown that when we fail, we tend to attribute the cause of our failure to reasons outside of ourselves: The market was weak. The inputs were poor. The weather was bad.

Think about it. When was the last time you failed to complete something on time at work - and why? Most people will list reasons that seem to be completely beyond their control. But now consider the last time a colleague or a subordinate (or family member or friend) failed to deliver on a project. Whom did you blame then? Well, if you're like most people, you blamed the colleague or subordinate.

This phenomenon, dubbed the Fundamental Attribution Error, is a pervasive bias that affects all of us to some degree, but why? Psychologists would argue that in our attempt to preserve our self-respect and self-esteem that we internalize our successes and externalize our failures. In other words, we like to like ourselves! Seems innocent enough, maybe even healthy, right? The problem is when "liking ourselves" turns into complacency, and we stop seeing room for improvement. Clearly there are times when we are to blame for our failures.

So how do we sort through our bias to narrow in on that slippery but useful thing we call "reality?" That's where peers come in. Since they're biased in the opposite way that we are, they're a neat check to our own perspective. That is, if we consistently internalize our successes, others will consistently externalize them, and the reverse with failure. Presto!: We compare notes, and start to get a more nuanced picture of what's contributing to our downfalls - and as importantly, of what'll deliver the most and the richest success.

mental health

counseling

Among Veterans, another cause of D.V. is cited

2008-11-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

This is an important article on a vital topic. I have worked both with Veterans, and with Domestic Violence offenders. Both populations are both challenging and rewarding to work with. I heard many stories of returning Vets struggling to reintegrate themselves into their worlds while also struggling to manage their increased inner rage and irritability--possibly brought to the surface by PTSD. In the article below (from Psych Central) new research suggests the risk of domestic violence will rise as increasing number of veterans are diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

"The consequences (of PTSD and domestic violence) on families and children in communities across the United States are an emerging concern says Monica Matthieu, Ph.D., an expert on veteran mental health and an assistant professor of social work at Washington University in St. Louis.

'Treatments for domestic violence are very different than those for PTSD. The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has mental health services and treatments for PTSD, yet these services need to be combined with the specialized domestic violence intervention programs offered by community agencies for those veterans engaging in battering behavior against intimate partners and families.'

Matthieu and Peter Hovmand, Ph.D., domestic violence expert and assistant professor of social work at Washington University, are merging their research interests and are working to design community prevention strategies to address this emerging public health problem.

'The increasing prevalence of traumatic brain injury and substance use disorders along with PTSD among veterans poses some unique challenges to existing community responses to domestic violence' says Hovmand.

'Community responses to domestic violence must be adapted to respond to the increasing number of veterans with PTSD. This includes veterans with young families and older veterans with chronic mental health issues.'

Even as the demographic of the veteran population changes as World War II veterans reach their 80s and 90s and young veterans completing tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, the numbers of living veterans who have served in the United States military is staggering. Current estimates indicate that there are 23,816,000 veterans.

Matthieu says there are evidence-based psychological treatment programs that can be a great resource for clinicians to learn how to identify and treat PTSD symptoms. However, identifying battering behaviors among veterans with active PTSD symptoms may be difficult and may require consultation and referral to domestic violence experts.

Research in the VA shows that male veterans with PTSD are two to three times more likely than veterans without PTSD to engage in intimate partner violence and more likely to be involved in the legal system.

'Community violence prevention agencies and services need to be included in a veteran’s treatment plan to address the battering behaviors,' says Hovmand.

.Veterans need to have multiple providers coordinating the care that is available to them, with each provider working on one treatment goal. Coordinated community response efforts such as this bring together law enforcement, the courts, social service agencies, community activists and advocates for women to address the problem of domestic violence. These efforts increase victim safety and offender accountability by encouraging interorganizational exchanges and communication'."

mental health

counseling

Is it just me? Or...

2008-10-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone else out there feel the joys and the pains of being in a relationship? It can be the best thing that ever happened to us, and yet it can also provide some of the biggest challenges in our lives. However, I would like to see those challenges become bridges to greater health, understanding and connecting--rather than become road blocks leading to breakdown of harmony and functioning. There is a lot of good stuff in the below article. Not all of it will apply to every relationship, as we are all so very different in the ways we relate. But there may just be some helpful pieces that can be taken from the information and used to enhance your relational world. So, take what is useful and leave the rest.

Improving Communication Skills in Relationships

Create a context in which your partner can feel free to share feelings, thoughts, fantasies, hurts, and complaints, without the fear that you will condemn, attack, lecture, or simply withdraw. We tend to be as critical of others as we are of ourselves.

Know that you have a right to your feelings as others have a right to theirs.
Working on a relationship always begins with working on ourselves.
Try not to blame all of the relational problems on your partner.
Remember, you only have control over changing yourself, not others, and the temptation is to blame others for our problems.
Don't rush yourself into sharing emotionally painful information.
Sometimes it's best to write out your concerns in private then share them with your partner at a later time.

The Sentence-Completion method can help. Set aside a block of time when you and your partner can talk and after obtaining agreement, do the following exercise. Practice now with your partner...

Both of you should take turns completing the following statements on communication:

Communication to me means ...
The hard thing about intimate communication is ...
Sometimes I withdraw from communication when ...

It is also beneficial to complete the following statements on self-disclosure:

I am a person who ...
One of the things I'd like people to know about me is ...
When I try to talk about things that are important to me...
When I try to express intimate feelings ...
If I were more open about expressing my feelings and opinions ...
When people try to talk with me, sometimes I ...

Further it is useful to explore obstacles to communication by completing these statements:

If I weren't concerned about the listener's response ...
Sometimes I become blocked when ...
One of the ways I sometimes make it difficult for people to talk to me is ...

Miscommunication - Root Cause of Problems?

People with opposing ideas can soon stir up arguments and fights. It's that situation when one thinks he has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion. Both of them may try to outsmart each other until one claims victory.
There's a conflict with their beliefs. No two people are exactly alike. We are totally unique; not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
There will be many times when your opinion will not correspond with that of another. So how can we prevent this kind of conflict from occurring? Communication is the key to overcoming doubts and misunderstandings. You should let other people know what's in your mind. Don't keep them guessing.

Why would people prefer to keep their complaints and criticisms to themselves? What's holding them back? It's because they do not want to be rejected. Most, people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.

So can you get your message across without hurting the other person's feelings? One thing you can do is to substitute negative statements with more positive ones.

Instead of saying, "You don't understand," say "Let me explain."
Instead of remarking, "You're wrong," say "Permit me to clarify."
Instead of stating, "You failed to say..." just mention, "Perhaps this was not stated..."

There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning. Nothing is more pleasing than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions.

You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first. Say something like:

"You're right, although..."
"Great suggestion, however..."
"I agree with your opinion, but have you also considered..."
"I would feel the same way if I were you, although..."
"I understand your situation. From my point of view..."

Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone's advantage.

Think first before you speak. Many relationships have been ruined by the wrong choice of words. Some people voice out anything that comes to their mind, without first filtering the good words from the bad ones. This might result in misunderstandings and arguments, which could have easily been prevented if we had spoken in a way that was neutral and non-offensive, even empathic.

Words are very powerful indeed. Use them responsibly for the benefit of all.

Personal relationships deteriorate when what is needed and wanted is not expressed; the resulting frustrations build up and result in increasing anxiety and upset. This is particularly likely to occur with sexual relationships, when problems or disagreements about sexual issues are not discussed openly and honestly. If this is the case in your personal life, then here's how to go about improving matters.

Note: this is an exercise to do with your sexual partner. Of course, many of the principles apply equally to any sensitive issue.

Break The Ice

Talk with your partner about why it's hard to talk about sex.
Share earlier experiences with talking about sex.
Gradually move toward discussing more personal feelings and concerns.
Read and discuss material if it seems easier than spontaneously talking about personal matters.
Share your sexual histories including such areas as sex education, first experience with sexuality, etc.

Listen and Provide Feedback

Active listening helps to show you are interested in what your partner is saying. Ask questions and make brief comments to help increase your understanding of what is being said.
Maintaining eye contact displays caring and validation.
Reflect back to your partner what you have understood them to say. This conveys active listening and an interest in understanding.
Be supportive of your partner's efforts to communicate.
A statement of appreciation or thanks can go a long way to strengthening a relationship.
Express "unconditional positive regard." Convey the sense that you will value your partner regardless of what they communicate to you.

Discover Your Partner's Needs

Ask open-ended, clarifying and extending questions to gain the most information about your companion's desires. Your partner will probably appreciate your concern.
If the subject you are interested in is particularly sensitive, try self- disclosing first. Self-disclosure will model trust and a willingness to take risks.
Compare notes on sexual preferences. This can be an effective way of learning about what does and doesn't stimulate your partner, and is certainly more efficient than trial and error.
Give your partner permission to talk about his/her feelings.
Learn To Make Requests
Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Realize that people are not mind readers and genuinely communicate your needs and desires.
Make requests specific. This will increase the chance that your wishes will be understood and granted.
Use "I" language. Although it is sometimes difficult to personalize requests, it is often the best means of getting a positive response.

Delivering Criticism

Be aware of your motivation. Is it based on a constructive desire to make your relationship better?
Choose the right time and place. Try not to be critical when anger is at it's peak. Give your partner a choice about when he/she would like to talk. Be aware of your partner's needs when choosing a location.
Temper criticism with praise. This will reduce the likelihood of your partner responding in a defensive or angry fashion, and increase the chances of him/her accepting what you have to say.
Nurture small steps toward change. Be generous with your support and encouragement of change. Realize that it is normal to revert back to comfortable patterns which have developed over time, so don't be too discouraged if there is some backsliding.
Avoid "why" questions. They tend to be perceived as attacking and hurtful. Better to say 'I don't understand...'
Express your anger appropriately. Direct your anger toward your partner's behaviors, not his/her character. Don't forget to remind your partner that you appreciate them as a person. Take responsibility for your anger.
Your partner cannot make you feel angry; you choose to respond that way.

mental health

counseling

Some of "greatest hits" plus Alumni News

2008-07-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

Life has been pretty busy for this counselor lately, so I thought I would post a list of some of the more visited posts from the last year and a half.

A heartfelt look at the 5 stages of grieving the loss of a relationship

Relationship red flags

"Boundaries for Beginners"

What are irrational beliefs?

Negative thoughts and self-sabotage

The mystery of "CHANGE"

Effective Conflict Resolution

On Procrastination... Speaking of procrastination... I had better get back to work!

But not before checking to see if anyone out there once attended LaSalle University in Mandeville, LA. If you did, please come check in with an Alumni page on Facebook.

counseling

Why do victims of domestic abuse stay?

2008-05-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

I work with a domestic abuse intervention program, co-facilitating a group designed to rehabilitate the domestic abuse offenders. This post is not about that as much as it is about the age old question that is asked of any victim of domestic abuse: "why do they stay?" I read an excellent article recently that eloquently and pretty thoroughly covers this quandary.
Here is a part of the article. The link will take you to the website and the entire article.

Domestic Violence: considering leaving

by Evan

1. Ethical objections to leaving.
Some people feel that it is their duty to stay in a relationship where they suffer violence. This is easy to reject out of hand but I’m not sure we should. Most of us don’t leave a relationship as soon as it doesn’t suit us. ... I want to pay tribute to the honor and truth in this position. Suffering can be positive.

I grew up in a tradition that values martyrdom - mainstream christianity. This is quite a different evaluation of suffering to the “If I’m not enjoying it I’m out of here” school.

So I understand and honor some elements of this ethical stance. And I think it is usually best for people to leave a situation where they are suffering violence.

Firstly about martyrdom. The martyrs went to their deaths rejoicing. If you can’t do this then it seems most likely that the suffering is demonic rather than a summons from the divine. Secondly, about children. The value of suffering for our children is in the context of the growth of a healthy person and a healthy relationship. Usually staying in a situation of domestic violence perpetuates a very unhealthy relationship - this is a decisive difference.

2. Psychological difficulties with leaving.

This can be what is called ‘learned helplessness’. People who are violated often are left devoid of initiative. (The complement to this is an all-consuming and unreasoning rage, which they suppress because they feel to let it out will have devastating consequences.)
It can also be that they feel they ‘deserve’ to be treated badly. This is often the case with abused children. They feel that they are in some way to blame, or if they weren’t bad then the other person wouldn’t have done this to them.

This can be extreme and extraordinarily difficult to be with. A woman therapist I knew was working with a woman in an awfully abusive relationship - she had been hospitalized many times and still wouldn’t leave. The woman therapist said, “Look, he nearly killed you - it probably was just an accident that you weren’t killed. What could be worse about leaving?” Dealing with this kind of stuff is quite awful.

It is important to say that rage can be worked with in a way that is safe to all people and that doesn’t damage the furniture. It can take time and patience and lots of support but it can be done. It is sometimes part of self defense for women classes.

3. Nowhere to go.
Sometimes external circumstances are very difficult. In small communities - whether geographically like a town with a small population, or in other ways (eg religious or other groups) - there can be no external supports. Leaving means leaving the whole social network.

This is really a problem with the rest of us. I’ll give an example from my own tradition - mainstream christianity. The denominations could get together and announce that every congregation would now have people in it who would offer sanctuary to anyone suffering domestic violence (the names would be kept secret). There could be a phone number for people to ring so that anonymity could be guarded. They would also institute programs that worked with perpetrators. This would involve some training and other costs. My guess is that it could easily be funded in each country by the selling of a cathedral or large piece of land.

Usually perpetrators do not stop their violence until someone outside the relationship becomes involved. Usually someone with social sanction, such as the police or other officials. Perpetrators usually don’t change until they ‘have to’ - having to because otherwise they’ll lose the relationship or end up in gaol. This is unfortunate but it is true in most areas: we usually feel stressed and over-burdened and don’t want the hassle of changing. It is just as true in the situation of domestic violence. If you are in a violent relationship or know of one, it is well worth considering getting officialdom involved.

Finally, it is important to say that domestic violence can and does end. There are relationships where the perpetrators have changed: their violence has stopped never to return. In my experience this has always been after the person suffering the violence has left. I have personally known relationships where this has happened.

I’ve written this with much nervousness. Writing about this in cold type means it can feel cold and like the suffering is being trivialized. I hope this doesn’t read this way. I decided to take the risk because it is a topic that needs dealing with.

mental health

counseling

"What was that?" Listening skills.

2008-04-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

From "Family Corner.com"--here are some really important keys to making sure you really hear what your loved ones (or anyone you interact with really) are telling you.

"One of the most important skills that you need in any and all of these relationships is listening. Better listening skills will allow you to create a more harmonious relationship where respect and cooperation are more likely to occur.
How well do I really listen to others? How well do I listen to myself? Can I be still and quiet enough to really listen? Or do I feel restless when there is silence and so I start talking right away?

Here are some tips on developing better listening skills.
Listen with concern and a desire to understand. Do not pretend to be listening or give only part of your attention if you are distracted. If you need and it is possible, ask the person to wait until you can be more attentive.

Let the other person talk without interrupting. Avoid quickly giving advice interrupting or making assumptions as to what you think they are going to say. Pause and breathe staying present and silent until he/she is finished.

Do not prepare your answer while they are talking. Try to stay only in the listening mode. Once you have all the information you will be more prepared to respond.

Do not engage in selective listening. Listen to the words, facts and overall content of the person's story. Do not just pay attention to what you find interesting.

While you are listening observe their facial expressions, gestures, eye movement and body posture.This will give you information as to what they might be feeling about their conversation, more information to help you understand.
The second part of the skill is learning to reflect back what you heard the person saying. Paraphrasing and repeating back what you heard allows the person to know you have been listening. It keeps clarity in conversation and allows for overall better communication. This is also a skill that requires some practice. Here are a few tips.
Try to briefly summarize what you heard them say and repeat it back to them.

Ask them if this is what they were trying to tell you. If not, try again to summarize or ask them to repeat part of what you did not understand.

Do not immediately respond with your belief, opinion or advice before you have clarified their position. Only give advice if they are asking for it.

Use empathy in your response instead of being judgmental. Be neutral and clarify what you heard their feelings, thoughts or opinions to be. Do not yell, argue or criticize. Ask more questions. Try asking why, when, where or who questions. This gives you more information.

Determine what they need from you. Would they like you just to listen and say nothing, give feedback, provide advice, help them problem solve a situation? Of course, if you are talking to young children, you may have to interrupt this yourself and offer what your intuition feels they need.
Make a note of the new interaction and compare it with your old way of listening or not listening. Observe their manner- are they calmer, more appreciative? What do you notice?

We all have a need to be listened to and understood."

counseling

The Healing Power Of Hope

2008-03-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

The Healing Power Of Hope

Researchers are exploring the scientific basis of this vital emotion that has the ability to alter the course of illness. By Ted Kreiter

The ability of the mind to foster healing has long been an intriguing concept. Ailing patients who believe that they can get better often do. In his practice, Dr. Jerome Groopman, an expert in blood diseases, cancer, and AIDS at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, recognized that giving patients hope for recovery could be helpful in their treatment. But he never realized the full importance of hope for healing until he experienced it firsthand in his recovery from a chronic ailment. In his new book, The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Face of Illness, Dr. Groopman tells the dramatic story of his delivery from pain and explains what researchers are discovering about how emotions can control the outcome of illness.

For 19 years, Dr. Groopman suffered from severe back pain. A spinal surgery had paralyzed his legs for a time, and ever since he had lived by restricting his movements for fear of debilitating muscle spasms that would erupt at the slightest provocation. To avoid hurting his back, Groopman had to get out of bed in a special way and sit in a particular manner. He could not play catch with his children and could walk only a few blocks at a time. For the scar tissue that was irritating his spinal nerves, he knew there was no surgical solution.

Dr. Groopman had long since given up seeing specialists for his condition. But in the summer of 1999, an extreme and persistent pain attack led him to Dr. James Rainville at the New England Baptist Hospital Spine Center.

After thoroughly examining Groopman, Dr. Rainville surprised him by saying that he could be freed of his pain. Rainville used a colorful metaphor to describe Groopman's condition. "You are worshiping the volcano god of pain," he said. "The volcano god of pain is your master."

He would have to stop sacrificing to the volcano god who would never be satisfied, Dr. Rainville said. To do this he would have to "reeducate" his muscles, tendons, and ligaments to "erase the memory of trauma" they carried. A program of therapy challenging him with increasing weights would rebuild his muscles, and the pain would eventually subside.

Although skeptical and fearful of the trauma the therapy would cause, Dr. Groopman decided reluctantly to try it. Dr. Rainville had given him something no one else had, a tantalizing vision of hope.

As expected, the therapy caused considerable pain. But while lying on soothing ice packs, Groopman visualized activities he would like to be able to do, such as walking with his daughter or dancing at a wedding. With these thoughts, a warm feeling seemed to envelop him.

After a little over a year of therapy, the pain subsided. Dr. Rainville had been right. The recovery "seemed almost magical," Dr. Groopman writes. Somehow he had taught his body to forget the pain, and was convinced that the emotion of hope had played a decisive role.

"I was most intrigued by the sense that I may have felt physical changes caused by hope," he writes. "But I distrusted my impression. So I asked, as a scientist, is there a biological mechanism whereby the feeling of hope can contribute to clinical recovery?"

Dr. Groopman delved into the various lines of research that are shedding light on the way the mind can affect the body and promote healing. One of them involves the placebo effect. A leader in this area is Dr. Fabrizio Benedetti of the University of Turin in Italy. The word "placebo," Dr. Groopman notes, is Latin for "I shall please" and comes from the Catholic vesper service for the dead, in which mourners were paid to participate to help calm grieving loved ones. Most people think of placebos as fake medications, the sugar pills once given to problem patients to assuage their demands for relief. The thing is, placebos really do work, and sometimes dramatically. Dr. Benedetti has shown experimentally that a neutral agent, such as saline, can actually be as effective as morphine in relieving pain when administered to a patient who is preconditioned to believe.
He theorizes that in responding to the placebo, the patient's body produces its own pain-relieving chemicals called endorphins and enkephalins that mimic morphine. He also has shown that subjects experience more pain relief when they are aware they are receiving a painkiller than when the painkiller is delivered unannounced, because in expectation of relief, the body's own pain relievers bolster the morphine's effects.

Just as important as this mind-body connection demonstrated in the placebo studies, Dr. Groopman suggests, is the opposite: a body-mind connection that occurs when an injured or ill part of the body suddenly improves and the brain detects it. This sparks hope in a patient, which sets off a chain reaction of pain-relieving chemicals. The possibility exists that if doctors can make a small improvement in just one symptom (a slight diminution in pain, for example) in an ill patient, the brain may kick in and help provide an even bigger boost toward recovery.

Studies of the circuitry and functioning of the brain have shown no single "hope center" or "hope neurotransmitter," Groopman writes. However, brain researchers such as Joseph LeDoux, professor of science at New York University, have learned that negative emotions such as fear arise in a deep brain structure called the amygdala.

What we have found out about the biological mechanisms of hope is only the beginning, Dr. Groopman writes. He had been taught in a traditional medical curriculum in which each organ was approached "in an isolated, reductionist way." The mind was linked to the body "only in rare instances" such as anxiety and despair. Now Groopman has come full circle in his beliefs. "We are just beginning to appreciate hope's reach and have not defined its limits," he writes. "I see hope as the very heart of healing."

mental health

THE HEALING POWER OF LAUGHTER

2008-03-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Laughter isn't just fun and enjoyable, it's good for our health. Each month modern medicine is discovering more about the therapeutic dimension of humor and laughter and is encouraging us to add them to our wellness program.

the health benefits of laughter

When we laugh we ...

- Alleviate depression;

- Lower our blood pressure;

- Promote relaxation;

- Reduce stress;

- Increase the oxygen level in our blood, giving us more energy;

- Increase the endorphin activity in our body resulting in a sense of well being;

- Are able to keep things in perspective;

- Banish boredom;

- Are more socially attractive - people enjoy being with those who laugh easily and often; and

- Immeasurably increase our enjoyment of life.

Laughter has been called social glue because it bonds us to the people we laugh with. The message is clear: To live better ... laugh more.

If it feels good to laugh then laugh to feel good.

© 2006 Self Improvement Online, Inc. By Mike Moore

mental health

Are placebos as effective as antidepressants in treating depression?

2008-03-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

I read this article in Newsweek today, and I think I was a little taken aback. I believe that in some situations the "placebo effect" can play a role in "improvement," but I have also seen various medications make a difference in the lives of those who really need them ("need" being determined hopefully by a skilled and insightful primary care provider who does a full examination and psycho-social evaluation).

"Placebo Nation: Just Believe"

It's not that medicines are 'crummy,' but that placebos are so powerful. It's time scientists learned why.

Sharon Begley

NEWSWEEK

Updated: 12:22 PM ET Mar 8, 2008

When you write about science, there is no shortage of topics that incite the wrath of readers. Climate change. Evolution. Racial differences in IQ. But say that dummy pills with no pharmacologically active ingredients—placebos—are about as effective as antidepressants in treating depression, and watch out. People are incensed at the very thought that the (often expensive) meds they rely on might be 21st-century versions of the magic feather that Dumbo, the flying elephant, was told would make him airborne. It was only when Dumbo dropped the feather he was clutching in his trunk while in free fall, and started flapping his ears, that he grasped that his powers actually came from within, allowing him to fly.

No one is saying "positive thinking" can cure cancer, or that patients should throw out their pills, let alone that illnesses that respond to the placebo effect are "all in your head"—imagined. But there is no denying the drumbeat of studies on the therapeutic power of placebos. Over the years they have been shown to relieve asthma, lower blood pressure, reduce angina and stop gastric reflux. An inert solution injected into the brains of patients with Parkinson's disease reduced muscle rigidity about as well as standard drugs. In a bizarre finding, sham surgery of the knee, in which patients got sedation and an incision but no actual procedure, relieved the pain of osteoarthritis better than actual arthroscopy—and produced an equal improvement in joint function, scientists reported in 2002. And last month an analysis of clinical trials of a range of antidepressants found that, except in the most severe cases, placebos lifted the black cloud as well as meds did.

To be sure, no study is perfect. In the antidepressant one, the placebo might not have looked as effective if it had been compared with the drug that worked best for each patient, rather than with the one that happened to be chosen for the clinical trial. (Some patients respond better to Paxil, some to Effexor or others, for reasons that remain murky.) But the fact remains that placebos are at least somewhat effective and sometimes very effective for some patients. Rather than railing against that finding or pretending it doesn't exist, what we should be doing is learning how brain activity that corresponds to the expectation of cure translates into clinical improvement. As Dan Ariely of Duke University says, "It's not that medicines are crummy, but that the placebo effect is so powerful."

There have been clues about the source of that power. In Parkinson's disease, studies find, the expectation of getting better raises brain levels of the neurochemical dopamine, whose shortage underlies Parkinson's, and normalizes the pattern of firing in a region of the brain where aberrant firing causes the loss of motor control. When the placebo effect relieves pain, it releases natural opioid-like molecules in the brain that have analgesic effects like morphine.

Ariely, a behavioral economist, saw the power of placebos during the three years he spent in a hospital recovering from a horrific accident that left him with third-degree burns over 70 percent of his body. Night after excruciating night, patients would beg for painkillers. One day, he recalls, "I overheard the doctors telling the nurses not to give a certain patient any more morphine. A few hours later, when the same patient started begging for painkillers I saw the nurse going to her room with an injection," and soon the patient fell asleep. When Ariely asked the nurse about it, she said the injection was plain saline—a placebo.

Ariely's curiosity about the power of expectation—which he explores in his new book, "Predictably Irrational"—inspired a study of what affects those expectations. He and colleagues gave 82 volunteers a brochure explaining that they would be testing a new pain drug called Validone that worked like codeine, but faster. (It was actually a placebo.) Each then received a series of electrical shocks on their wrists, rating them from "no pain at all" to "the worst pain imaginable." Each then took a "Validone." Half were told it cost $2.50, the other half that it cost a dime. They then received shocks again. Of those who got the $2.50 pill, 85 percent felt less pain from the same voltage than before taking it; 61 percent of those taking the cheap pill felt less pain, the scientists reported last week in The Journal of the American Medical Association. The pricier the drug, the higher the expectation of efficacy, and the stronger the placebo effect.

That will not surprise doctors whose arthritis patients screamed bloody murder after Vioxx was withdrawn from the market after studies showed it raised the risk of heart attacks. People insisted that switching to cheap aspirin just did not relieve their pain and suffering. Maybe. But in light of Ariely's research, you've got to wonder. And patients who protest when their insurer makes them switch from a name-brand drug to a cheaper, biologically identical generic? "Many claim the generic is less effective," says Ariely, "but you have to consider whether that's an effect of the price. The placebo effect is about expectations, and we expect more-expensive medicines to work better." Maybe researchers would be interested in figuring out how to harness that effect if only it were patentable.

mental health

Pointers to help a partner live with mental illness

2008-03-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

The mental illness your partner suffers with is something that is happening to your entire family. All are affected and it is nobody's fault. It is not your fault, your partner's or your children's fault. It is an unfortunate illness.

You cannot fix your partner. There is nothing you can do to make him or her well, so don't feel compelled to try. What you can do is be supportive, loving and handling the everyday details and practical issues of life that he or she cannot cope with.
All members of the family have a responsibility to cope with the illness. Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with crisis. You all need each other.
The ill partner must recognize and accept the illness, be willing to receive treatment, and if possible, learn to manage the illness. If the ill partner is not willing to do these things, it may become impossible for the family to continue to support him or her. The family is not required to throw away their own lives for someone who refuses to cooperate. There are limits and they must be enforced without feelings of guilt.
Educate yourself concerning every aspect of the illness. Education brings compassion. Ignorance just encourages anger and fear.
Grieve your loss. It is a great loss. You need to allow yourself the time and energy to experience the entire process of grieving.
Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge, either from your own counselor or a support group. You can't do it alone. Don't refuse to recognize your own need for help, just because the ill partner is getting most of the attention.
Help your children understand the illness as much as their age allows. NO FAMILY SECRETS. Don't deny them the opportunity to learn about the illness, the unfair stigma attached to it, and developing their own skills in coping. It can be an incredible learning opportunity for them. If they need proof and help to understand it and their own feelings, get it for them.
Try to create a safe environment for the partner to express himself/herself without feeling threatened, constrained or condemned. He or she desperately needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration he or she is feeling about coping with mental illness.
You and your children need to share your feelings, honestly and openly. It's okay to feel angry and cheated. At times you may feel embarrassed by the ill partner's behavior, avoid trying to protect your partner by not discussing the problem with family or friends. Don't require your children to conspire with you in a code of "family secrecy." Family secrets will only isolate you from others. Remember that small children, by their very nature, assume that they are responsible for anything in their environment that goes wrong.
Never put yourself or your children in physical danger. If you sense your partner is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call for professional help. You should never tolerate abuse of you or your children. Trust your instincts and intuitions on this one. Say, "no way" and mean it.
Become your partner's advocate with the medical professionals, assertively involved in his treatment and medications. If the medical professional or psychiatrist won't cooperate with you, demand a different one! Treatment should involve the entire family, so find a professional who will work with the whole family. You know more about your partner's illness than anyone else. Trust your instincts.
Frankly assess what your partner can and cannot handle, the compensate assertively. Some people with mental illness cannot handle money, some household chores, time commitments and too much stress. You must not do things for your partner that he or she can do for themselves. Don't rob him or her of their dignity.
Maintain your own identity; resist becoming consumed with your partner's illness. Life goes on. You have an obligation to yourself and your children to take care of yourself and meet your own needs. You all must continue to develop your own interests and talents. You are a valuable human being, so don't play the martyr role and sacrifice yourself. That's just self pity. "Get a life."
Always hope for healing. The medications do work and new ones are being developed. You may get your partner back whole some day. If nothing else, the experience will broaden and deepen you in ways you never imagined. Or, you can choose to let it destroy you, your family and your relationship. It is your choice.
Keep in mind that bad things happen to good people and you're no exception. You have not been singled out for a special persecution. Trying to make good choices in life won't protect you from misfortune. You haven't been "dumb" to "get yourself in this situation." It is not your fault. Life is not easy, we have to take what we get and make the best of it.

Excellent article found at this link. (healthyplace.com)

mental health

Humor for anyone who ever had to do a Genogram

2008-02-20T12:50:00.000-08:00

If you know what a Genogram is, and have had the "joy" of doing them... you will probably chuckle at this pic.
humor

The Stigma of Mental Illness

2008-02-12T17:10:00.001-08:00

Just as diabetes is a disorder affecting the pancreas, a mental illness is a disorder which affects the brain. This disability affects a person’s mood, feelings, emotions and has the ability to interfere with a person’s employment, friendships and relationships.

Common Myths about Mental Illness

Mental Illness is caused by a weakness of personality.
A mental illness is not a character flaw. It is an illness; just as diabetes, cancer and glandular fever are illnesses. A person suffering from a mental illness is not lazy for simply not “snapping out of it” or “cheering up”, just as with any illness help and support is required to overcome mental illness.
People with a mental illness are violent and dangerous.
People suffering from a mental illness are no more likely to be violent than any other person or group. It is often the case that people suffering from a mental illness are more likely to be the victim of a violent act rather than the perpetrator of one.
Mental Illness is a single, rare disorder.
A mental illness is not a singular disease, but a broad classification of a whole range of mental disorders.
People with a mental illness are poor and/or less intelligent.
Mental illness can affect any person of any age, class, religion, gender, income level or intelligence.

Types of Mental Illness

The following is a list of disorders which can be classified as a “mental illness”. If you would like more information on a specific condition, please click the link for further information. Please note this is not a comprehensive list as there are many forms and subdivisions of mental illness.

Acute stress disorder -Agoraphobia - Anxiety disorder - Anorexia nervosa - Antisocial personality disorder - Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder - Binge eating disorder - Bipolar disorder - Borderline personality disorder - Brief psychotic disorder - Bulimia nervosa - Cyclothymia - Delusional disorder - Dementia - Depersonalization disorder - Depression - Dissociative fugue - Dissociative identity disorder - Generalized anxiety disorder - General adaptation syndrome - Mania - Obsessive-compulsive disorder - Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder - Panic attacks - Panic disorder - Paranoid personality disorder - Postpartum Depression - Schizoaffective disorder - Schizoid - Schizophrenia - Seasonal affective disorder - Self Injury - Social phobia - Specific phobias - Suicide

[Taken from Wikipedia]

Affects of Mental Illness

A mental illness can affect every facet of everyday life. It interferes with a person’s ability to work, relate to others, forge friendships and relationships. If left untreated a mental illness can lead to: homelessness, unemployment, substance abuse, inappropriate incarceration, suicide and wasted lives.

The Stigma of Mental Illness

The stigma against mental health is stopping those suffering from seeking support and combating their illnesses. The misconceptions and judgement of those affected by mental illness are preventing people from admitting their problems and seeking help. The fear they will be “shunned” by society is a powerful reason to not seek help. It is time for these misunderstandings to be removed from society, it is time for the stigma surrounding mental health to be destroyed.

How can we raise awareness of Mental Illness?

We need to talk about it. Pure and simple. Brushing something aside, pretending it is not there or refusing to discuss this issue is preventing people from understanding the pain and devastation a mental illness can bring to someones life. It affects not only them, but their family and friends also. If we had not started talking about the seriousness of diabetes, cancer or HIV then the advances made in the treatments of these illnesses would never have occurred.

It is time the misconceptions of mental illness were demolished - talk and discussion is the only way this will occur.
(Psych Central)

mental health

Help! I'm stressed and don't have time to fix it!

2008-02-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

Most of us experience stress, but at what point does stress become a problem? And, if stress levels do become problematic, how does one best go about reducing stress? Some of this information can help you understand the whole process of reducing stress and living the more balanced life you were meant to live.

Step 1: Understand Stress and Its Role In Your Life
The first step to conquering stress in your life is understanding it. There are different types and levels of stress, and it affects you in many ways. Here are some resources to help you better understand the stress you experience—and stress in general—so you’ll be in a better position to handle it.

* Good Stress vs. Bad Stress
We all experience stress in our lives, and it’s actually been found that some stress in your lifestyle is good for you. The problem with stress is when it becomes excessive, and when you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to recover from stressful episodes. This article explains the different types of stress, what kind of stress is most detrimental to your health, and what you can do to stay healthier.
* How Stress Affects Your Health
Stress can affect your health in many ways, some obvious and some less obvious. Here is a listing of the various ways stress can affect your body, with explanations of each. Also, this article gives you some additional information on how stress can even make you get sick more often, and help you stay healthier, even during flu season.
* Can Stress Affect Your Weight?
This is actually a question I hear a lot, so I thought it was important to include here. There are various ways that stress can affect your weight, from affecting your eating patterns to altering the way your body processes food! This article explains more about it, and gives resources for keeping your body fit even when you’re under stress.
* Lifestyle Factors and Personality Factors. Some of us experience more stress than others.

Feel Better Now

If you want to lower your stress level in a matter of minutes, these techniques are all relatively fast-acting. Use them as needed to feel better quickly; practice them regularly over time and gain even greater benefits.

* Breathing Exercises
* Meditation
* Reframing With a Sense of Humor
* Music

* Exercise
* Guided Imagery / Visualizations
* Journaling

Take Care of Yourself

When we're stressed, we don't always take care of our bodies, which can lead to even more stress. Here are some important ways to take care of yourself and keep stress levels lower.

* Healthy Eating
* Better Sleep
* Exercise

* Hobbies
* Good Nutrition
* Healthy Sex Life

Maintaining The Right Attitude

Much of your experience of stress has to do with your attitude and the way you perceive your life's events. Here are some resources to help you maintain a stress-relieving attitude.

How The Law of Attraction Works
Basically, the Law of Attraction works like this: you create your own reality. What you focus on, what you emote about, is what you draw into your life. What you believe will happen in your life is what does happen. This isn’t as simple as it seems, however, or everyone would have the lives that they want naturally. For example, people who are in debt and continually tell themselves, “I need more money,” don’t find more money, they continue to “need more money” because that is the reality that they create. (Read this article for more on the secret of attraction.)

Why It Works
Many people wonder why this works, and there are more than one explanation. The two main schools of thoughts go along these lines:

* The Spiritual Explanation:
Many people believe that the Law of Attraction works by aligning God or the Universe with our wishes. We are all made of energy, and our energy operates at different frequencies. We can change our frequency of energy with positive thoughts, especially gratitude for what we already have. By using grateful, positive thoughts and feelings and by focusing on our dreams (rather than our frustrations), we can change the frequency of our energy, and the law of attraction brings positive things (things of that frequency) into our lives. What we attract depends on where and how we focus our attention, but we must believe that it’s already ours, or soon will be.
* The Traditionally Scientific Explanation: If you’re one who needs things to be a little more easy to prove, there is also a different explanation for how the law of attraction works. By focusing on attaining a new reality, and by believing it is possible, we tend to take more risks, notice more opportunities, and open ourselves up to new possibilities. Conversely, when we don’t believe that something is in the realm of possibilities for us, we tend to let opportunities pass by unnoticed. When we believe we don’t deserve good things, we behave in ways that sabotage our chances at happiness. By changing our self talk and feelings about life, we reverse the negative patterns in our lives and create more positive, productive and healthy ones. One good thing leads to another, and the direction of a life can shift from a downward spiral to an upward ascent.

Proof That The Law of Attraction Works
Whatever the underlying reason, reams of anecdotal evidence confirm that the law of attraction works. And, for those science-minded folks out there, research does seem to support the positive effects of the Law of Attraction as well. For example, research on optimism shows that optimists enjoy better health, greater happiness, and more success in life. (The advantage that optimists share is that they focus their thoughts on their successes and mentally minimize their failures. This article has more information on the traits of optimists.) One of the foundations of therapy is that changing your self-talk can change your life in a positive direction. And millions of people have found success with positive affirmations.

Wisdom on stress found at About.com

How about...

2008-01-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

"How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence."
BY Alanis Morissette

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.
selah

Can Marital Fights Be Beneficial?

2008-01-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

By: Rick Nauert, Ph.D.
Senior News Editor

Reviewed by: John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (from Psych Central)

A good marital fight appears to have beneficial health effects. The finding comes from a study that discovered couples who suppress their anger when one attacks the other, die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict.

University of Michigan researchers looked at 192 couples over 17 years and placed the couples into one of four categories: both partners communicate their anger; in the second and third groups one spouse expresses while the other suppresses; and both the husband and wife suppress their anger and brood, said Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus with the U-M School of Public Health and the Psychology Department, and lead author.

The study is a longitudinal analysis of couples in Tecumseh, Mich.

“Comparison between couples in which both people suppress their anger, and the three other types of couples, are very intriguing,” Harburg said.

When both spouses suppress their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types.

“When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict,” Harburg said. “Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that’s fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?”

“When you don’t, if you bury your anger, and you brood on it and you resent the other person or the attacker, and you don’t try to resolve the problem, then you’re in trouble.”

Of the 192 couples studied, 26 pairs both suppressed their anger and there were 13 deaths in that group. In the remaining 166 pairs, there were 41 deaths combined.

In 27 percent of those couples who both suppressed their anger, one member of the couple died during the study period, and in 23 percent of those couples both died during the study period.

That’s compared to only six percent of couples where both spouses died in the remaining three groups combined. Only 19 percent in the remaining three groups combined saw one partner die during the study period.

The study adjusted for age, smoking, weight, blood pressure, bronchial problems, breathing, and cardiovascular risk, Harburg said.

The paper only looks at attacks which are considered unfair or undeserved by the person being attacked, said Harburg. If the attack is viewed as fair, say an abused child or woman who believes they deserved the attack, then the victim does not get angry, Harburg said.

Harburg stresses that these preliminary numbers are small, but the researchers are now collecting 30-year follow-up data, which will have almost double the death rate, he said.

Relationship Counseling: Does It Work?

2008-01-19T13:38:00.000-08:00

By Coulson Duerksen

Everyone knows that having excellent relationship communication is vital to your relationship. In many forms of relationship counseling, relationship counselors will bring up relationship communication as part of relationship counseling. Since statistics show that 60 percent of marriages end in divorce, one reason may be that many couples don't seek relationship counseling until it's too late. Most people who have tried relationship counseling believe it works, and couples who have split often say they wish they had tried relationship counseling first to help improve their relationship communication.

"Most people realize that getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem because half the problem is yours," says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don't Break Up (Adams Media Corporation, 1999). "You can walk out on your marriage, but you can't run away from yourself — no matter how hard you try," she says.

One of the biggest challenges for most couples is learning how to stop blaming each other so that they can work through the troubled times without the power struggles. Relationship counseling offers a safe haven for couples to express their needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict.

"More relationships break up because people don't know how to validate each other," says Dr. Eaker Weil. But with the right counseling and a little practice, couples can learn the skills to save their relationships.

A Conscious Approach to Relationship Counseling
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D, authors of The Conscious Heart: Seven Soul-Choices That Inspire Creative Partnership (Bantam, 1999) and Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Bantam, 1992), have worked with thousands of couples over the past two decades. They're the first to acknowledge that success depends upon a number of factors, including the approach.

The Hendrickses take a "whole-body" learning approach. They look for the physical "dance" that's going on between partners, and ask couples to notice what's going on in their bodies. Is there tension? If so, where? Is their breathing shallow? By identifying actual body sensations, such as "my heart is racing," people accomplish two things: 1) They change their state of consciousness, and 2) begin to communicate on a level that is unarguable. Communicating in a way that is unarguable is the most valuable skill you can learn, according to Kathlyn Hendricks, because it allows you to communicate without blame. "Identifying body sensations is the foundation for identifying how we create (and resolve) conflict," she says.

Relationship Counseling: Something for Everyone
The Hendricks's method is not for everyone because it means that each partner has to take 100 percent responsibility for their experience in the relationship. But with the overwhelming number of approaches to relationship counseling available, just about everyone can find one that works for them.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Bantam, 1998) and The Wisdom of Menopause (Bantam, 2003), has tried and recommends the Hendricks's approach to relationship counseling. "I am a big fan of marriage," she says. "I think everyone can use a little help with beliefs and behaviors when it comes to relationships." Although divorced, Dr. Northrup advocates doing all you can to make your marriage work, unless it's a physically, psychologically or emotionally abusive relationship. If so, you need help, not relationship counseling. Organizations such as Family Crisis (1-800-537-6066) are available 24 hours a day.

Dr. Northrup also recommends Michele Weiner-Davis's approach to relationship counseling, along with her book, Getting Through to The Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide For Women (Golden Books Pub. Co., 1999), and Dr. Phil McGraw's approach, which is outlined in his book Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner (Hyperion, 2000).

Weiner-Davis, an internationally renowned relationship expert and psychotherapist, has said that everything a woman needs to know about changing her man can be learned from a good dog-training manual. Weiner-Davis, who only counsels women, teaches skills to help women create the type of relationships they want.

Dr. Phil, a psychologist, takes a more confrontational approach to stopping the "blame cycle" by asking couples to decide to be happy, not right. His seven steps involve: Defining what's "wrong" with you and your relationship; ridding yourself of "wrong" thinking; switching from negative thoughts/behaviors to positive thoughts/behavior; internalizing new personal relationship values; developing a winning "relationship formula"; reconnecting with your partner; and learning to maintain your relationship.

With all the help available today, most experts agree: There's no reason to resign yourself to a bad relationship.

found at: http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/relationshipcounseling_02.html

Time to breathe in and let everything out

2008-01-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

The official lyrics aren't posted anywhere at this time to this upcoming release by Sanctus Real (due out Feb. 08), but you can listen to the entire song and part of the interview on the Air1 Morning Show page - click on "Interviews" (Sanctus Real - Oct 07). 10/29/07
Air1 Morning Show--http://www.air1.com/Connect/MorningShow.aspx

Working title: "whatever you're doing"
By Sanctus Real

"It's time for healing
Time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.
Time to make right
What has been wrong,
It's time to find my way to where I belong.
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can’t see
But I’m giving in to something heavenly.

Its time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will?
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
Oh, show me what it is you want from me…
I'd give everything… I surrender…

To whatever you're doing
Inside of me
Oh it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly…
Something heavenly.

It's time to face up,
Clean this old house,
time to breathe in and let everything out…
…that I've wanted to say for so many years,
time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
Oh it feels like chaos but I believe,
That you're up to something bigger than me…
Larger than life…
something heavenly.

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
But now I can see,
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly…
Something heavenly.

Its time to face up,
Clean this old house,
Time to breathe in and let everything out…"

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD (once it comes out) to support the artist.
selah

music therapy

What are irrational beliefs?

2007-12-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

What are irrational beliefs?

Irrational beliefs are:

Messages about life we send to ourselves that keep us from growing emotionally.
Scripts we have in our head about how we believe life "should'' be for us and for others.
Unfounded attitudes, opinions, and values we hold to that are out of synchrony with the way the world really is.
Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.
Stereotypic ways of problem solving we fall into in order to deal with life's pressures.
Ideas, feelings, beliefs, ways of thinking, attitudes, opinions, biases, prejudices, or values with which we were raised. We have become accustomed to using them when faced with problems in our current life, even when they are not productive in helping us reach a positive, growth-enhancing solution.
Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.
Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.
Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.
Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
Overly optimistic or idealistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
Emotional arguments for taking or not taking action in the face of a challenge. When followed they result in no personal gain, but rather in greater personal hardship or loss.
Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.
Ways of thinking about ourselves that are out of context with the real facts, resulting in our either under-valuing or over-valuing ourselves.
Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.
Lifelong messages sent to us either formally or informally by: society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, neighborhood, church, social networks, family, relatives, peer group, school, work, or parents. They are unproductive in solving our current problem or crisis, but we are either unwilling or unable to let go of them. These messages can be very clear to us or they can be hidden in our subconscious.
Conclusions about life that we have developed over time, living in an irrational environment not identified as being irrational (e.g., beliefs developed as a member of a high-stress family).
Standards by which we were reared and from which we learned how to act, what to believe, and how to express or experience feelings. When followed, however, these standards do not result in a satisfactory resolution of our current problems.
Unproductive, unrealistic expectations exacted on ourselves and/or others, guaranteed to be unattainable and to result in continuing negative self-concepts.

What are some examples of irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs (negative) about self:

I do not deserve positive attention from others.
I should never burden others with my problems or fears.
I am junk.
I am uncreative, nonproductive, ineffective, and untalented.
I am worthless.
I am the worst example on earth of a person.
I am powerless to solve my problems.
I have so many problems, I might as well give up right now.
I am so dumb about things, I can never solve anything as complex as this.
I am the ugliest, most unattractive, unappealing, fat slob in the world.

Irrational beliefs (negative) about others:

No one cares about anyone else.
All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted.
Successful relationships are a trick; you have no control over how they turn out.
People are out to get whatever they can from you; you always end up being used.
People are so opinionated; they are never willing to listen to other's points of view.
You are bound to get hurt in a relationship; it makes no difference how you try to change it.
There is a loser in every fight, so avoid fights at all costs.
All people are out for #1; you need to know you'll always be #2, no matter what.
It's not who you are but what you do that makes you attractive to another person.
What counts in life is others' opinions of you.
There is a need to be on guard in dealing with others to insure that you don't get hurt.

Irrational beliefs on other topics

There is only one way of doing things.
Work is the punishment man must endure for being human.
A family that plays (prays) together always stays together.
Always protecting against the forces of evil in life is the only way to live.
There are always two choices: right or wrong; black or white; win or lose; pass or fail; grow or stagnate.
Once you are married and have children, you join the normal human race.
A handicapped person is imperfect, to be pitied, and to be dropped along the path of life.
Admitting to a mistake or to failure is a sign of weakness.
The showing of any kind of emotion is wrong, a sign of weakness, and not allowable.
Asking for help from someone else is a way of admitting your weakness; it denies the reality that only you can solve your problems.

How can we recognize irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs can be present if we:

Find ourselves caught up in a vicious cycle in addressing our problems.
Find a continuing series of "catch 22's'' where every move we make to resolve a problem results in more or greater problems.
Have been suffering silently (or not so silently) with a problem for a long time, yet have not taken steps to get help to address the problem.
Have decided on a creative problem solving solution, yet find ourselves incapable of implementing the solution.
Have chosen a problem solving course of action to pursue and find that we are unhappy with this course of action; yet we choose to avoid looking for alternatives.
Are afraid of pursuing a certain course of action because of the guilt we will feel if we do it.
Find we are constantly obsessed with a problem yet take no steps to resolve it.
Find we are immobilized in the face of our problems.
Find that the only way to deal with problems is to avoid them, deny them, procrastinate about them, ignore them, run away from them, turn our back on them.
Find that we can argue both sides of our problem, becoming unable to make a decision.
What are the benefits of refuting our irrational beliefs?
By refuting our irrational beliefs we are able to:
Unblock our emotions and feelings about ourselves and our problems.
Become productive, realistic problem solvers.
Gain greater credibility with ourselves and others.
Gain clarity, purpose, and intention in addressing our current problems.
Reduce the fear of guilt or of hurting others in solving problems.
Identify the barriers and obstacles that must first be hurdled before our problems can be resolved.
Come to greater honesty about ourselves and our problems.
Put our problem into a realistic perspective as to its importance, magnitude, and probability of being solved.
Separate our feelings from the content of the problem.
Live richer, more authentic lives.
View our lives in a healthier perspective, with greater meaning and direction.
Gain our sense of humor in the presence of our problems and in their resolution.
Recognize our self-worth and self-goodness and separate it from the errors and mistakes we have made in our lives.
Forgive ourselves and others for mistakes made.
Give ourselves and others kindness, tenderness, and understanding during times of great stress.
Gain a sense of purpose and order in our lives as we solve problems.
Feel productive as we labor through the muck and mire of our problems.
Respect our rights and the rights of others as we solve problems.
Clarify our feelings about the behavior of others without the barrier of self-censorship or fear of rejection.
Gain a "win-win'' solution to problems, which involves ourselves with others. It opens us up to compromise.

Steps to take in refuting an irrational belief:
Step 1: Is your thinking and problem solving ability being blocked by an irrational belief? Consider a specific problem as you answer the following questions:

1. Am I going in circles in trying to solve this problem?
2. Is there something inside of me that is preventing or keeping me from taking the necessary actions in this matter?
3. Am I bothered by the thoughts of what I or others "should do, act like, think, or feel'' in this situation?
4. Do I find myself saying how this situation "should be," having a hard time facing it the way it really is?
5. Do I use fantasy or magical thinking in looking at this problem? Am I always hoping that by some miracle it will go away?
6. Am I burdened by the fear of what others think of me as I work on this problem?
7. Do I know what the solution is, but become paralyzed in its implementation?
8. Do I find myself using a lot of "yes but's'' in discussing this problem?
9. Do I find it easier to procrastinate, avoid, divert my attention, ignore, or run away from this problem?
10. Is this problem causing much distress and discomfort for me and/or others, and yet I remain stumped in trying to resolve it?

Step 2: If you have answered yes to any or all of the questions in Step 1, you are probably facing a problem or situation in which a blocking irrational belief is clouding your thinking. The next thing to do is to try to identify the blocking irrational belief.

Answer the following questions:

11. Is the blocking belief something I have believed in all my life?
12. Is the blocking belief coming from the teachings of my parents, church, family, peers, work, society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, or social network?
13. Is the blocking belief something that always recurs when I am trying to solve problems similar to this one?
14. Is the blocking belief something that has helped me solve problems successfully in the past?
15. Is the blocking belief one that tends to make me dishonest with myself about this problem?
16. Is the blocking belief an immobilizing concept that sparks fear of guilt or fear of rejection in my mind as I face this problem?
17. Is the blocking belief something that can be stated in a sentence or two?
18. Is the blocking belief a consistent statement as I face this problem, or does it tend to change as variables of this problem become more clear to me?
19. Is the blocking belief a tangible statement of belief or is it simply a feeling or intuition?
20. Can I state the blocking belief? If so, write it in your journal: My blocking belief is:

Step 3: Once you have identified the blocking belief in Step 2, test its rationality. Answer the following questions about the belief, ''yes'' or ''no.''

1. Is there any basis in reality to support this belief as always being true?

2. Does this belief encourage personal growth, emotional maturity, independence of thinking and action, and stable mental health?
3. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will help you overcome this or future problems in your life?
4. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will result in behavior that is self defeating for you?
5. Does this belief protect you and your rights as a person?
6. Does this belief assist you in connecting honestly and openly with others so that healthy, growth engendering interpersonal relationships result?
7. Does this belief assist you in being a creative, rational problem solver who is able to identify a series of alternatives from which you can choose your own personal priority solutions?
8. Does this belief stifle your thinking and problem solving ability to the point of immobilization?
9. When you tell others of this belief do they support you because that is the way everyone in your family, peer group, work, church, or community thinks?
10. Is this belief an absolute? Is it a black or white, yes or no, win or lose, no options in the middle type of belief?

Healthy answers are:

1-no 2-yes 3-yes 4-no 5-yes 6-yes 7-yes 8-no 9-no 10-no

If you are unable to give healthy answers to one or more question in Step 2, then your blocking belief is most likely irrational.

Step 4: Once you have determined that the blocking belief is irrational, you are ready to refute this irrational belief. Respond to the following questions:

1. How do I consistently feel when I think of this belief?
2. Is there anything in reality to support this belief as being true?
3. What in reality supports the lack of absolute truth in this belief?
4. Does the truth of this belief exist only in the way I talk, act, or feel about this problem?
5. What is the worst thing that could happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
6. What positive things might happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
7. What would be an appropriate, realistic belief I could substitute for this irrational belief?
8. How would I feel if I substituted this new belief for my blocking belief?
9. How will I grow and how will my rights and the rights of others be protected by this substitute belief?
10. What is keeping me from accepting this alternate belief?
11. Once you have answered these questions, substitute a rational belief and act on it.

Wisdom discovered at www.coping.org

When does it become abuse?

2007-12-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

When do behaviors become abusive? Oregon uses the term "battering." What is battering? Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. Battering is a pattern of living in which one person (usually the man) uses violence or other abusive behavior to control and maintain power over a partner or other family members. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

For purposes of OAR 137-087-0000 through 137-087-0100, the following terms have the meanings set forth below.
(1)"Batterer" means:
(a) An adult male 18 years of age or older who engages in "battering" against women; or
(b) A male minor criminally convicted as an adult of conduct against women that constitutes "battering" in whole or in part.
(2)"Battering" includes but is not limited to physical violence, sexual violence, threats, isolation, emotional and psychological intimidation, verbal abuse, stalking, economic abuse, or other controlling behaviors against women in, but not limited to, the following relationships:
(a) A current or former spouse of the batterer;
(b) An unmarried parent of a child fathered by the batterer;
(c) A woman who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the batterer;
(d) A woman who has been involved in a sexually intimate relationship with the batterer within the past two years;
(e) A woman who has a dating relationship with the batterer;
(f) An adult woman related by blood, marriage or adoption to the batterer; or
(g) A woman who relies on the batterer for ongoing personal care assistance.
"Battering" may or may not violate criminal law and in most instances is patterned behavior.
(10) "Victim" means a female, including a past or present partner, subjected to battering. A victim may be under the age of 18. In no event shall the batterer be considered a victim for purposes of these rules.

Victims of abuse may experience punched walls, control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed (ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem_100.html).

Below are more specifics about the many forms of "Battering":

Physical Abuse:
Shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, tripping, choking, raping, burning, shooting, stabbing, hair-pulling, arm-twisting, physical restraint, physical confinement.

That first category is primarily what people think of when they hear the word "abusive" or "battering. " But the below categories are also battering, and in many ways, more devastating than the overt physical abuse.

Spiritual Abuse:
Selectively using scripture to change or enforce behavior. Intentionally misusing scripture to force compliance. Ridiculing another’s beliefs. Spiritually putting one’s self above another. Using religious beliefs as the authority behind threats and punishment.

Emotional Abuse:
Criticizing her, shouting at her, swearing at her, putting down her opinions, blaming or shaming her, making her think she's crazy, making her feel stupid, treating her like a servant, accusing her unjustly, embarrassing her, withholding encouragement or affection, bringing up past mistakes, flirting openly, not discussing events that damage the relationship.

Economic Abuse:
Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job, keep her from furthering her education, making her ask for money, taking any money she earns, withholding child support, not letting her know about or have access to family income, not including her in the financial decision for the family.

Intimidation:
Creating fear by using threatening looks or gestures, bullying her by using a loud voice, scaring her by breaking glass, breaking the dishes, kicking a door, destroying her possessions (property abuse-which sends the message “it could have been you”), displaying a weapon, angrily rushing toward her during an argument. Stalking.

Isolation:
Controlling what she does, whom she sees, whom she talks to, what she reads or where she goes; refusing to let her see family or friends; monitoring her phone calls, mileage, clothing or make-up; hiding the car keys so she cannot leave.

Sexual Abuse:
Making her perform sexual acts against her will, attacking the sexual parts of her body, treating her as if she were an object only for sex, forcing her to view pornography, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after violence or abuse, harassing her for sexual acts that she objects to performing.

Using the Children:
Harming or threatening to harm the children, using visitation or custody to harass her, threatening to take the children away, putting the children in the middle.

Making Threats:
Threatening to hurt her, threatening to destroy her belongings if she leaves, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to report her to police, welfare, etc.

All of these are tools used by the batterer to achieve and maintain power and control over others. The only way for the a person to change their abusive patters if to become accountable and self-responsible, realizing and internalizing that they cannot control another-they can only control themselves.

mental health

But giving up would cost me everything

2007-12-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

Invaluable reminders in this lyric of how important it is to hang on and hope even when we want to give up...

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say,
Even when He is silent,

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe. "

The above lyrics "I Believe in Love" by BarlowGirl, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.
selah

music therapy

Relationship red flags

2007-11-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

I found this excellent article written by Cynthia McKenna at http://www.counseling.typepad.com/

When we want a relationship to work, it is normal to try to overlook faults and habits that annoy us, because after all, we all have flaws.

I have met many people, women and men, who are in a lot of emotional pain because they have "tried to overlook" a problem in the name of trying to get along. So how are you supposed to know what is okay and what is not?

Here are 5 tips to help you identify true red flags:

1. If the issue or problem violates who you are or your core values - do not overlook this.

2. If the problem puts you in emotional or physical danger, do not ignore it.

3. If the issue puts your children at risk, you have to take action. I am not just talking about the risk of abuse or neglect - both terribly important issues and hopefully the need for action is clear. I am also talking about risk of your children losing their self-esteem. Sometimes, adults can act in ways that damage children's spirits - their souls. Even if your child says he or she is "okay" and has "forgiven" the transgression, it is a parent's job to protect their children. People do make mistakes, but if your son or daughter is consistently picked-on by adults or siblings, it is your responsibility to notice and help resolve the situation.

4. If there are addictions that are not being treated or addressed through counseling or 12-step programs, trouble is ahead. Addictions develop because there is deep pain. The person with the pain tries to cover it up with drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, etc. Sometimes, this covering-up is a conscious decision, sometimes it is not. However, all addictive behavior should be a red flag.

5. If your intuition tells you that something is wrong or even if you get the sense that things, "aren't right," you should listen to your internal wisdom. Intuition is truly a gift, an internal way of knowing what is good and what is not - we do ourselves a huge favor by listening to our own inner-knowing.

and a bonus tip :)

6. If you are waiting and hoping that the person will change, you might have a long wait. No one likes to change, and change frequently requires great effort and focus. It is reasonable to ask yourself, "What if this behavior does NOT change, am I willing to live with it for the next 20 years?"

Without A Net

2007-11-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Without a Net: Living Life With Trust (http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/10605.html)

"As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.

If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.

We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.

When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way."

Negative thoughts and self sabotage

2007-10-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Are you carrying around some junk? You know, those hurtful and disastrous things that you may have been told by someone during the course of your life. It was supposed to be taken with a grain of salt or simply ignored but most of the times we take that criticism and wear it like a hat of shame! Negative thinking can make all sorts of things incredibly difficult. It is like a leak in your confidence bucket--constantly drip-drip-dripping away your confidence and self esteem.

Negative thinking can be useful to help assess the possible pitfalls in a potential plan of action, but you need to be able to turn it on and off at will. Otherwise, negative thoughts will sabotage your self belief, your confidence and your achievements. Here are some effects of negative thinking:

Sleeping problems
It can become very difficult to get to sleep, because you feel worse at night. There are a number of reasons why. While you’re trying to drop off to sleep, there’s nothing to distract you from the worries that may have been lurking in the background during the day.

Sapping your self-confidence
The more problems you think you have, the less able you may feel to cope with them, and this can increase your sense of helplessness. This reduces your confidence, making you more vulnerable to your fears.

Unhelpful strategies
Under this kind of pressure, it may become very difficult for you to concentrate and carry on with everyday life, so that your problems tend to build up. It’s emotionally draining to feel anxious all the time. It may feel as though your whole life is being taken over by it.

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Research shows that people who receive positive distractions for just eight minutes show a remarkable change in their moods and in breaking the cycle of repetitive thought. So, next time you catch yourself repeating the same negative thoughts over and over in your mind, use the STOP acronym:

1. S - Say the word STOP!

Interrupt your internal destructive thoughts. Tell yourself firmly to “STOP” over thinking. Be strict, and don’t let them intrude on your thoughts. It also might be helpful to visualize a box to place all your negative thoughts in, which you may open at a later date or time.

2. T - TAKE a break!

Take a deep breath. Then, take a break. Go for a walk or a hike, read a great book, listen to your favorite music. Do something to take your attention away from over thinking, and if possible, change the environment.

Also try some relaxation exercises, they often focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This could involve imagining yourself in a new setting, such as a beach, a designer home or a garden. You could visualize your worries as physical objects that can be discarded, such as stones or rocks you could heave into the distance.

Sometimes, doing a relaxation exercise makes people feel quite uncomfortable. You might feel that it’s not working, or that you’re doing it wrong. It’s best to take the attitude that you’re just giving it a go, and that these negative thoughts are normal. Surprisingly, learning to relax takes practice.

3. O - Focus on the OUTCOME!

Focus on the OUTCOME of your goals. Affirm why you are committed to your goals. The way we feel and what we experience in our body comes from what we focus our attention upon during a given moment. And at any moment, we are “deleting” most of what is going on around us. That is, to feel bad, we have to delete (not focus on, not think about) everything that’s great in our life. And vice versa. For us to feel good, we have to delete the things we could feel bad about.

4. P - PRAISE yourself!

PRAISE and acknowledge yourself for the progress you are making. Remember, you’re looking for progress, not perfection! Give yourself a reward every time you’re successful with overcoming negative thoughts. And remember small changes make a big difference.

By recognizing that you do have negative thoughts you’ve taken the first step. Now, start playing “Devil’s Advocate” and challenge yourself to find the positive. Turn your thoughts around and your moods will follow suit.

(This helpful content found at http://ririanproject.com/2007/10/28/here%e2%80%99s-a-quick-way-to-stop-negative-thoughts/)

And remember--our thoughts create our reality!

Loyalty to one's "promise" or loyalty to one's "self"

2007-10-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

Loyalty to your "promise" or loyalty to your "self"... or is there something beyond loyalty and love? These questions/conflicts/issues come up a lot in counseling practice... each person chooses differently, and for different reasons.
______________________________________________________________
(http://packerbacker.blogster.com/loyalty.html)
Is it more important to be loyal to the person you made a vow for better or worse, or to oneself?
When does it become less about the relationship between two people and more about the individual person?
We all make sacrifices for the relationships we get involved in, but eventually as time passes...and one day you realize your only purpose in life is to fulfill others needs, is it all right to think about oneself?
To be loyal to your mate forever...or to find loyalty for yourself...?

What is the proper choice in life?

A vow is a vow, and unless infidelity is involved, one needs to stay committed to their mate for better or worse. Period.
After years of "going through the motions," one day you realize that being in love doesn’t mean what it used to. You forget "how" to love or even be loved. Then you come to face the "reality" that the person you once were in love with is simply the person you are merely sharing a bed with. So you find love elsewhere when you don’t expect it...do you "go for it"?

If your mate confesses to love you but in turn, you are not "feeling" the love, are the "words" enough to hold onto a life together?

Loyalty to one's vows or loyalty to oneself? (end quote).
______________________________________________________________
(http://evesenioressay.blogspot.com/)
Romantic love, when it is primarily defined by the current emotional state of the lover, is always ultimately about the self, the lover, and rights he earns by the intensity of his feelings. The lover does not care for the beloved so much as he draws inspiration from her; one might almost say he consumes the beloved, although always to the highest purpose, or at least the highest purpose that the self, trapped in itself, can ever know.

Loyalty is what makes the difference between taking one's beloved as the standard of value and the crown of the world, and taking her as a means to the end of one's own gratification (or, at best, one's own improvement). In promising ourselves (to another), we wish to assuage our beloveds' fears; we are stating that we do not desire to consume them, and we will not abandon them once they have outlived their usefulness {ouch, what a concept to enter love from!}. Further, a mutual promise moves part of the way toward the "ecstatic union" toward which eros impels us. It hooks two lovers together. Eros pushes us to create the closest bonds possible, which do not dissolve or disguise the "otherness" of the beloved; thus not only physical unions but also the uniting of two individuals' futures in vows of loyalty are part of the demands of eros. This is one of the ways in which eros is more extreme in its demands than friendship; another is its emphasis on submission rather than equality. The model of the dual promise--the couple saying "I do"--is a model of mutual submission.

###

What, if some day or night a "demon" were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it,... *

Here, recurrence* is a thought-experiment: What would we do, if this happened? How would we respond? And, of course, what can we learn about our "values" from that response? The issue at hand is affirmation of oneself, of one's own actions, and of life. One must relive every moment and, therefore, take every action again; thus we are challenged to find out what would make reliving our actions unbearable. What would make an action so terrible that extinction is preferable to reenacting it? One answer is, that the action damaged something we value more highly than we value our own lives. It was written how eros leads inescapably to regret; the lover values the beloved more than he values his own life, and he fails her.

The man who reacts to the "recurrence"* with despair or terror may have many different motivations. He may be an ascetic, in horror of himself and in love with the void. He may be an adherent of some code of morality against which he has offended, and which he values more than his own life. Or he may be in love. The man who responds to the thought of "recurrence"* with joy is beyond good and evil, for he has cleansed himself of any regret; by the same act, he has gone beyond love. (end quote).
mental health

selah

Dual purpose for Life's Journey

2007-10-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

Each of our life journeys has an inner purpose and an outer purpose. The outer purpose is to arrive at our goal, or destination. I believe that I have been primarily focused throughout the years on the outer purpose. But a book I am reading is offering new insight to the dual purpose of life's journey (The book is: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle). The author brings to light that if the destination takes up so much of our attention that it becomes more important than each individual daily step, then we are missing the journey's inner purpose "which has nothing to with where you are going or what you are doing but everything to do with how." So in essence, the journey is not about getting to some "future" point, but the quality of each individual, intentional moment along the path. The author makes a clear distinction between the outer and inner purposes of the journey. The outer portion "may contain a million steps, your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now."
Fascinating. This changes certainly the way I have been looking at my journey... I always knew it was not just about the destination, but this goes beyond that... I need to give this whole thing some more thought!

mental health

Song of the Week: Crazy Beautiful

2007-10-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Crazy Beautiful

"Everybody's been there everyone's the same
but mostly we don't care isn't that a shame
We bring us down face after face
the inside is beautiful but the outside we want to change.
We want to change.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Well every new year you say your gonna change
There's no need to change
We're different but the same
In the eyes of the King
We're beautifully made
In his image we're made
Whoa you're oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self, you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Take a look it’s all around you
See the world from different views
The way you shine from the inside
I know with out a doubt
It’s more than what you'll be
In the world's eyes.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone's a approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are

You're crazy beautiful."

The above lyrics "Crazy Beautiful" by Chasen, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

1 different thought opens the door

2007-10-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

How does change begin? Some say simply with desire to change. But desire is often not enough to move us forward into the drive energy it takes to change.

How does change begin? Quite simply, by thinking one thought different. Just like that.

Once you think just one thought differently then that opens the door, paves the way for thinking a second thought differently.

I am a firm believer that in order to change our behavior, we must first change our mind. All lasting change comes from within. It starts with positive thoughts, and then turn thoughts into actions.

The power of positive thinking and personal empowerment is a huge factor. A life filled with gratitude, rather than remorse. A life looking forward, rather than back.

One of the easiest cognitive therapy approaches to understand is that of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) as developed by Albert Ellis.

Rational Emotive Therapy tells us about the ABC’s of emotional life. It is practical and easy to apply.

"A" stands for "Actual Event" and represents what happens to you in life.
"B" stands for a "Belief" about what happened.
"C" stand for the "Consequence" of the event on mood and behavior.

In life it appears to us that events happen and that the events cause our moods and behavior. It appears that A (an event) causes C (a consequence). So, if a friend breaks your trust you may be hurt and depressed. You may later tell someone that your friend has ruined your life and has made you miserable.

However, in order to be hurt and depressed you have to have a belief about what happened. You must be thinking in a certain way. It is your belief or thinking that is creating your reaction. You might be thinking, "It is horrible. It is terrible. I have been betrayed. I’ll never trust again."

It is your belief that is creating the consequence. Change the belief and the result will change. What else could you be telling yourself? What might be a more realistic assessment of the event?

You could be thinking, "This is tough and I don’t like it but I am glad that I found out now rather than later. I made a mistake, but I can learn from it. I can get through it." You reaction might be one of hurt and disappointment, which is a more realistic response. You would not fall into a state of depression and misery.

Changing your belief changes the result.

some information gathered from www.lessons4living.com/depression5.htm
mental health

Song of the Week: Headlights

2007-09-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

"A summer drive away from dying,
a broken heart nothing to lose.
I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love.
And I wrote this note about someone I used to know,
so I'd remember how life can be so short when your left alone to wonder,
how it is someone opens and shuts the door.

I know your cold but come home.
It's a shame how short we all have come.

You set your mind on cruise control,
knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go.
Love is empty, love is cruel, love it blindly breaks the rules.
How could you have been a fool?
It's something all of us go through.
You choke back tears and swallow lies but those wiper blades won't fix you eyes,
count on having clouded vision for at least a little while.

And I know you're cold but come home: it's a shame how short we all have come.
And I know you're cold but come home.

Please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone.
We won't forget the past. (And I know you're cold)
Say all the answers and I will let you go,
I won't look back
and I won't look back.

Say all the answers
and I will let you go.
I will let you go.
I will let you go

Say all the answers and I will let you go,
I won't look back. [x3]

Please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone
and I will let you go."

The above lyrics "Headlights" by The Classic Crime, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

A heartfelt look at the 5 stages of grieving the loss of a relationship

2007-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, the time comes when we realize that the relationship is over. Sometimes this is a mutual decision and others the choice of only one. Rest assured though, if you have been in this relationship for any length of time, both people are experiencing a form of loss to varying degrees. Typically, we view this time as an ending. The chapter has concluded and now it is time to turn the page.

Turning the page on a particularly deep relationship, especially if you were not ready for it to end, is often hard. We, the one left behind, ask ourselves many questions laden with self-doubt. Our ego has taken quite a hit and now we are left with a swirl of questions, and often, few immediate answers. Friends or family will tell us the old, worn-out saying, “There are plenty of fish in the sea”, but at this point in our lives we don’t want “other fish”. We want “the fish” that we may well have believed was the “big catch” we had been fishing for and finally caught. Though our friends mean well, they are pushing us to move too quickly past what can be a time of healing and self-discovery.

Modern psychology tells us the second most intense life stress (after death) is divorce or loss of a love relationship. The feelings of excruciating pain, loss, and depression are real emotions not to be ignored, buried, or minimized. We must allow our emotions to run their course if we are ever going to regain our ability to get on with our lives.

Though you may not realize it, you are grieving and that grief is perfectly healthy and normal.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Some people cry. Some people bond with their anger and scream until their throat is sore. Some of us crawl into bed and try to sleep the pain away. Some withdraw from social settings and others over eat. What we are all clearly in search of is to experience some form of comfort during a time when it seems like nothing will ever makes us feel safe and secure again. A great love has left us and we don’t expect to get over it; ever.

David Kessler and Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in their book, On Death and Dying, provided the modern psychological world with a widely accepted model of the five stages of grief. Below is my personal adaptation of these stages as it pertains to the loss of a relationship:

1. Denial
The body’s natural defense system works to protect us from threatening situations during the initial stages. You may find yourself operating on “cruise control”. You are going through the normal, everyday activities of your life, but you are only vaguely aware of what is happening. You are, in all actuality, only “going through the motions”. It is common to expect him or her to call or show up at any time and this whole situation will be explained as a simple misunderstanding.

2. Anger
This is the beginning of the heartache. You will allow your anger to rage. You might rehash details of the relationship over and over again questioning everything that was said or done. You might beat yourself up over ever allowing yourself to get involved with “any one like that” in the first place.

3. Bargaining
It is common in this stage to rehash the past, but not in the way you did before. Now you are reliving the good times and often with rose-colored glasses. You remember the good times and you begin to view the bad times as not that bad after all. Here you may find yourself plotting ways to get your lover back, but often by sacrificing your needs. You might think, “If I could just get him to take me back, I will never be jealous about his affairs again.”

4. Depression
Your anger and scheming has finally subsided and now you have hit bottom. This is, with out a doubt, the most painful stage. Here you will question if you can ever be happy again. The finality of the situation has set in to your mind. It is over and now you know it. Often, this stage is where the feelings of loss and hopelessness are strongest.

5. Acceptance
Time can heal all wounds, but time alone will not be enough. During this stage, we come to grips with the raging tide of emotions. We have ended the internal struggle and have completed the healing process of grief.

If you have recently ended an intensely emotional relationship, you should see yourself within one of these five stages right now. It is important to remember that the emotions you are feeling are natural. You are emotionally healing. Embrace this time and allow yourself to move steadily through each stage.

You should be aware that continuing to struggle with your grief may cause you to remain within one stage for an extended period of time and even cause you to fall back into an earlier stage. As is always the case with human beings, everyone is different. You may progress quickly or you may linger in each stage far longer than you would like. Whatever the case, it is important not to put a time limit on yourself. Your mind and body will know when it is time to move on and forcing yourself to move on before they are ready can lead to further complications.

Facing the end of a love relationship is difficult to say the least. But, it is my sincere hope that you will find comfort in knowing that the overwhelming range of emotions you are experiencing are completely normal, healthy and most importantly temporary.

And so the chapter has finished. It’s ok to pause and collect your thoughts. It is not the end of the book. Ahead of you lie many more pages of joy, fulfillment, and adventure. When you are ready, you will turn the page and whole new chapter will begin."

About Author
Intuitive Relationship Advisor Brandon Windsor offers one-on-one love, dating, and relationship advice.
Article Source

mental health

Alumni page on Facebook for LaSalle University in Mandeville, LA.

Infidelity Sucks!

2007-09-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

In my line of work, I hear so many stories. And in the songs I listen to I hear so many stories. This song below may not exactly be "telling" the story" that I can "hear" in it... but the song comes at a time when I have heard from so many broken people, broken relationships, lost trust and hope that it seems to "fit." It can be difficult to convey to people that sometimes "the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing." A less poetic way to say it all might be: "infidelity sucks!" What would it take for any of us "all at once" to have the epiphany we needed to make sure that we chose the "right thing"? The question is the easy part... the answer is the hard part!

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come...

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another."

The above lyrics "All At Once" by the Fray, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Breaking Free! Getting UN-stuck...

2007-09-05T16:38:00.001-07:00

Why do we stay "stuck" where we are in certain areas of our lives? Why is it that we talk about change, but but just can't seem to put drive behind our desire? This article contains five ideas to help the "shift" (from desire to action) happen, plus much more excellent information. Read on, click below!

read more | digg story

mental health

selah

Is "clean and sober" enough?

2007-09-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

Is "clean and sober" enough? ...I had previously thought so!
There are countless areas of our lives that we can "clean up"-sometimes for extended periods of time.
Someone recently said to me that almost any "addict" can become "sober" (or pull off "abstinence" for a period of time), but it is NOT the same thing as "recovery."
The concept of "abstinence" and "recovery" do NOT apply only to addiction to alcohol-but also sexual addiction, addiction to drugs, food, smoking... you name it.
If we discover that something has control over us, and we can only maintain periods of control over "IT"... then it is a possibility that we have become good at "abstinence" (cleaning up) and yet not have ever truly started the life long, lifestyle changing process of "recovery."

I found a little bit of information on the distinction between "abstinence" and "recovery" below (I am sure there is a lot more on the web about this topic). This information is specific to alcohol- however, any addiction could well be substituted.
NOTE how many differences there are between the outlook of an individual who is toughing out "abstinence" and the person who is walking through "recovery."
{Leave your anonymous vote in the "what's your poison" poll in sidebar to the right...}

http://www.alcoholanddrugabuse.com/

"Abstinence from alcohol & drug use on the one hand and recovery from alcoholism & addiction on the other represent two very different states. Sometimes the boundaries between the two become blurred, but they're definitely there. Read on...

Some alcoholics and addicts become ABSTINENT but do _not_ enter recovery.
Abstinent, but not recovering, alcoholics (and addicts) show the following attitudes and behaviors:

They maintain abstinence from alcohol and drugs because to drink and/or use again would most likely cause more problems.
They don't enjoy being sober and clean, miss getting high, and feel disappointed in or angry about being abstinent.
They maintain abstinence through will-power and believe that strong will-power is adequate for continued abstinence.
They would like to drink and/or use again and would do so if reasonably sure that prior problems would not recur.

Some alcoholics and addicts are not only abstinent but also in RECOVERY.
Recovering alcoholics and addicts show the following attitudes and behaviors:

They maintain abstinence from alcohol and drugs because to drink and/or use again would compromise the quality of life found in sobriety.
They enjoy being sober and clean and feel grateful for sobriety.
They utilize resources instead of or in addition to will-power to maintain sobriety and to learn healthier ways to think, feel, and act.
They have no desire to drink or use again and would not do so even if reasonably sure that problems would not recur.

The bottom line is this:

Make no bones about it; moving out of alcoholism & addiction, through abstinence, and into recovery does not happen by accident or by magic. It requires time, patience, and above all - action."

mental health

selah

Song of the Week: The Last Night

2007-08-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

"The Last Night" by SKILLET on "Comatose"
http://www.myspace.com/skilletmusic

"You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
...tonight

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me."

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

mental health

selah

Mental Health Tip of the Week: Are you "burnt out" on giving?

2007-08-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Do you spend most your time and energy taking care of other people?
Do you find you have little or no energy left to take care of yourself?
Do you sacrifice your needs in order to meet others' needs?
Do you feel it is your duty to always put others first?
Do you feel guilty when, at times, you resent your role as a caretaker?

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others:

It's easy to forget about your own needs when you are a caregiver. But doing that takes a toll on your health.

Here are some caregiver support tips to help you stay healthy and reduce your stress while you’re caring for someone else.

Accept your own limits. As a caregiver, you don’t have to do it all, and you shouldn’t try. Admit when you feel overwhelmed, and ask for help.
Create a caregiver support team. Before you can ask for help, you need to know who you can ask. Plan ahead for times when you'll need help by making a list of people who are willing to help you with caregiver support. Family members, friends and professionals may give you a break or help out when you can't be there.
Schedule time for yourself. Don't forget to schedule time for activities you enjoy. There are more important things than doing the laundry, and caregiver support is one of them.

Remember, this is about staying healthy in mind and body, so you need to make time to have fun now and then.

Make your own health your first priority. This may sound selfish, but it’s not. Being a caregiver is a big job, and the only way you can provide the caregiving your loved one needs is to make sure you stay healthy.

The kind of stress you’re trying to manage every day can easily lead to depression; staying fit and healthy can help you cope, reduce stress, and make it easier to get through tough days when they come.

Caregiver Burnout:

This is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able -- either physically or financially. Caregivers who are "burned out" may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on the ones they aim to help.

Signs of Caregiver Burnout:

The signs of burnout can present themselves in many ways, such as :

Changes in Sleep Pattern. Sleeping too often, too little, or interrupted sleep can often signal caregiver stress or burnout.
Changes in Appetite. Take notice of any change of appetite, like eating more or less. This can result in weight loss and weight gain. Eating healthy can provide the much-needed energy to provide quality care.
Exhaustion. Feeling fatigued is often one of first burnout symptoms people experience. If exhaustion prevents you from completing basic daily activities or is persistent, see your doctor.
Withdrawing from Friends and Family. Caregivers suffering from burnout often withdraw from friends, family, and social activities.
Feeling Overly Emotional. Crying at the drop of that hat or feeling angry for no reason are important signs of burnout. Displaced anger can often occur during burnout.

When a person develops a mental illness, family members and others have the power to influence the recovery process favorably or otherwise.

While getting enough exercise, sleep and nourishing food is a good idea if you want to maintain health, there's more to self-care when a loved one is sick.

"Most people feel selfish meeting their own needs," Heinssen (clinical psychologist) said, "so, they keep doing and doing, neglecting their own needs, until eventually they burn out. No one benefits, especially not the patient. But 'selfishness' and 'healthy self-interest' are not the same."

Dealing with illness and its different stages brings on challenges and pulls on many different emotions, both for the individual and for the family members who are dedicated to caring for them; it's important to know how best to regulate these feelings.

"Significant others can either bolster a person's ability to tolerate the stress of an illness or can contribute to the worsening of symptoms," Heinssen said. "When we don't take care of our own needs, we're more likely to become irritable, short-tempered, judgmental, resentful--which can have a negative impact on the person who's struggling to get better."

Studies show that supportive, flexible and enduring relationships can "facilitate a person's stability and recovery." Therefore it is of the utmost importance to the well-being of those we care for that we first and foremost take care of ourselves.

Adapted from various sources:
http://about.com/od/healthnutrition/a/caregivertips_2.htm
National Institute of Mental Health
http://www.4therapy.com

mental health

selah

How to Let Go of Guilt and Learn to Forgive

2007-08-06T17:02:00.001-07:00

"We have all done things that we are not proud of. ...These sorts of past actions can leave us feeling ashamed & guilty, & we can end up carrying our guilt for years. Guilt is probably one of the most debilitating & negative emotions there is ... But if we want to live happy lives, we need to deal with... and not allow..." (Story copywrited by Theun Mares) Brief excerpt, full story by following the "read more" link.

read more | digg story
mental health

selah

Song of the Week: Maybe...

2007-08-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

"I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident.
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design,
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky.

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
'I don't know what to do with her.
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon.'

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery.
And want to know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon.

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field,
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God.

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray...
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God.

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God...
And I have never prayed a lot...
But maybe there's a loving God."

Song by Sara Groves, from the CD "All Right Here." The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

What To Do When It Hurts

2007-07-24T18:46:00.001-07:00

The blog that this particular article is found on ("Finding your marbles: A mental health survival guide") appears to already be a well traveled and well commented blog, but this article on "what to do when it hurts" is very good, and I felt it deserved an extra "digg." Definitely worth reading! Click and read on for yourself. "Selah"...
read more | digg story

Song of the Week: Freedom to Feel

2007-07-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Freedom to Feel, by John Reuben
http://www.myspace.com/johnreuben

"Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be.
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile.
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to.
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?

False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists.
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light
Keep your secrets to yourself
It's not about you but them lookin' right.
No time to be ugly
Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears
Shout for joy little boys and girls
You brokenness ain't welcome here.
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too.

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone is sayin' it, but nobody's feelin' it
Everyone is feelin' it, but nobody is seein' it
So tell me, how am I supposed to know what's real?

Everyone is thinkin' it
Everyone is feelin' it
But nobody is seeing it
And how
Am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?

So please
Can somebody tell me how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me now, how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
Jesus, please tell me
How are they gonna know you're real
When we're told and controlled how to feel?
Jesus, tell me please
How are they gonna know you're real
When they're controlled and told how to feel?
You tell me
How am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please, God
How are they gonna know that you're real
When they're told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please
How am I supposed to know what's real?
How are they supposed to know what's real?
How are you and I supposed to know?

Freedom to feel

How am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?"

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Mental Health Tip of the Week: What am I willing to give up?

2007-07-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Recently we discussed personal power. Personal power is demonstrated by the willingness to let go of personal choices that have been interfering with your ability to meet your needs. What are you willing to let go of in order to gain personal power and satisfy your needs?

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for self-esteem?

Wanting or demanding that others approve of you
Wanting to be perfect
Having to win
Minimizing the importance of your feelings and opinions
Disliking yourself

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for understanding?

Wanting to be right
A lack of interest in any other person's point of view
Ignoring the facts in forming your opinions
Making hasty judgments about the behavior of others
Believing others are out to get you

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for emotional security?

Fearing others
Fearing the opinions of others
Continually disregarding your rights in favor of the rights of others (occasionally this is necessary on everyone's part, the issue is when it is continually)
Believing your personal value is determined by the opinions of others
Destructive communication skills

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for self-control and self-knowledge?

An aversion to being alone
An aversion to examining personal thoughts and feelings
A reluctance to accept ownership of personal choices
A hesitancy to determine needs
Rushing to anger

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to be at peace with yourself?

Unforgiveness-the inability to let things go
Promising things that you cannot be sure of delivering
Attempting to control the personal choices of others
Accepting responsibility for the personal choices of others
Fighting facts and hating change.

We all can prevent out own needs from being met when we (by our actions) refuse to make room for their fulfillment. Continuing to engage in behaviors that have failed to bring us success in the past will limit our opportunities to see success in our present and our future.

This excellent learning material is adapted from the book entitled "Understanding Anger" by B. Ileen Seeley, M.A.
mental health

Song of the Week: HERO

2007-07-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

HERO
By: Superchick
http://www.myspace.com/superchick

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in,
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him,
'Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like you hate him or want him to die,
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,
Any kindness from you might have saved his life...

TAG: Heroes are made when you make a choice...
CHORUS:
You could be a hero,
Heroes do what's right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, you could join the fight,
For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right...

No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She's in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she see's,
When she throws the pills out a hero is made...

TAG/CHORUS

No one talks to him about how he lives,
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his,
Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves,
And others will follow the choices he's made,
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide,
His brother who wants to be him is just nine,
He can do what he wants because it's his right,
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life...

TAG/CHORUS

You could be a hero - (Our time is now) heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - (Our time is now) you might save a life
You could be a hero - (Our time is now) you could join the fight
For what's right.

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Mental Health Tip of the Week: Empowerment

2007-07-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

"Everything you need to know about life in one package"... funny! And for many it has been their truth. But personal power--being empowered--is much less about what others do or say regarding our lives, and more about what we choose to act upon for, and enact in, our lives.
There are basically two types of power an individual can have: power _over_ and _personal_ power. To have power over is to control others through manipulation, bribes, and threats. This may be an effective source of power but it has its limits. Trying to have power over is exhausting work because it requires constant vigilance and planning.
By notable contrast, personal power is the ability to take charge of yourself! It is the authority of your thoughts to determine how you feel about what you do. It is the mechanism that enables you to take care of your own needs, and defend against threats to your sense of self.
Personal power does not rely on other people and things for satisfaction or safety. It is free from environmental control. Personal power is inner strength! Self knowledge and self control are necessary components of personal power. You need to be aware of your needs, your rights, and your responsibilities as well as the limits of your control. Personal power is an inside job built on knowing that personal choices (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) are totally under your control!

Your personal choices are responsible for your happiness.

Achieving and maintaining personal power is a great deal less frustrating than attempts to gain power OVER another. With personal power there is no need to seek happiness in futile and fruitless attempts to manipulate, bribe and threaten others. Personal power seeks only to control the things it can.
Personal power raises self-esteem and enhances emotional security by increasing levels of trust (trust in self and trust in others). Gaining control over your thoughts, feelings and behaviors provides confidence in your ability to take care of your own needs. Personal power is "guaranteed power" because it is based solely upon your relationship with yourself. The only thing it depends on is your own integrity.
People who demonstrate personal power:

Are aware of and accept responsibility for their personal choices.
Are aware of and accept limits on what they can control.
Reject responsibility for the choices of others.
Are willing to change unprofitable personal choices.
Understand that a change in thoughts creates a change in feelings and behaviors (thoughts are a source for change!)
Are capable of behaving assertively (while not stepping on others)
Do not feel the need to defend or justify who they are or what they do.

Are you ready to discover the peace of mind that comes from accepting limits on your power to control? Begin by earning your own self respect by accepting the fact that you may not be able to control a situation, but you can control yourself IN the situation. And in the process of discovering and learning these important truths find that you are truly an empowered individual.

This excellent learning material is adapted from the book entitled "Understanding Anger" by B. Ileen Seeley, M.A.
mental health

Song of the Week: Blessing in Disguise

2007-07-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

Blessing In Disguise

In the deep of the dark you fell in as the heart
of your world went down in flames.
to a cauldron of pain. Seeing no way out.
And as you walked through the fire, losing even desire,
it was like a dying swan to look at you then. But look at you now.

You have found a new lease on life.
A stronger step and a curious calm on your face, that you wear as if to say...

You can rise from the ashes again.
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes.
For what looked like your heart's demise,
has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

It has worked for the good, like you heard that it could.
But it was hard, so hard to believe
standing among the ruins of a dream.
But from here looking back, you can see clearly that
you can gain from things that you lose, and learn many ways by many means.

You have been an inspiration to me.
And all the volumes of hope your revival can speak will always say to me...

You can rise from the ashes again.
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes.
For what looked like your heart's demise,
has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

...It's turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Album: Along the Road
Artist: Ashton, Becker, Dente

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Song of the Week: Unwritten...

2007-06-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield
http://www.myspace.com/natashabedingfield

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Mental Health Tip of the Week: The mystery of "CHANGE"

2007-06-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

What is it that is so mysterious and elusive about change? Why isn't desire to change enough? Why do we lose momentum when we are in the change process? And why doesn't what worked last decade work this time around when trying to make a change?

Behavior change is rarely a discrete, single event; the individual moves gradually from being uninterested to considering a change to deciding and preparing to make a change. For most persons, a change in behavior occurs gradually, with the individual moving from that place of being uninterested, unaware or unwilling to make a change, to considering a change, to deciding and preparing to make a change. Genuine, determined action is then taken and, over time, attempts to maintain the new behavior occur. It is important to remember that relapses are almost inevitable and become part of the process of working toward life-long change.

A little about the five stages of change:

Precontemplation Stage

During the precontemplation stage, individuals do not even consider changing. Smokers who are "in denial" may not see that the advice applies to them personally. Persons with high cholesterol levels may feel "immune" to the health problems that strike others. Overweight individuals may have tried unsuccessfully so many times to lose weight that they have simply given up.

Contemplation Stage

During the contemplation stage, persons are ambivalent about changing. Giving up an enjoyed behavior causes them to feel a sense of loss despite the perceived gain. During this stage, individuals assess barriers (e.g., time, expense, hassle, fear, "I know I need to, doc, but ...") as well as the benefits of change.

Preparation Stage

During the preparation stage, persons prepare to make a specific change. They may experiment with small changes as their determination to change increases. For example, sampling low-fat foods may be an experimentation with or a move toward greater dietary modification. Switching to a different brand of cigarettes or decreasing their drinking signals that they have decided a change is needed.

Action Stage

The action stage is the one that everyone is eager to see the one's they care about reach. Many failed New Year's resolutions provide evidence that if the prior stages have been glossed over, action itself is often not enough. Any action taken by individuals should be praised because it demonstrates the desire for lifestyle change.

Maintenance and Relapse Prevention

Maintenance and relapse prevention involves incorporating the new behavior "over the long haul." Discouragement over occasional "slips" may halt the change process and result in a person giving up. However, most individuals find themselves "recycling" through the stages of change several times before the change becomes truly established.

Relapse is common during lifestyle changes. It can be very helpful to realize that even though a relapse has occurred, the individual has learned something new about themselves and about the process of changing behavior. Focusing on the successful part of the plan ("You did it for six days; what made that work?") shifts the focus from failure, promotes problem solving and offers encouragement. It is not failure until a person stops trying altogether. The goal here is to support individuals and re-engage their efforts in the change process. We all should be left with a sense of realistic goals to prevent discouragement, and have the positive steps toward behavior change acknowledged.

(Info. adapted from: http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000301/1409.html)

mental health

Song of the Week: Call me when you're sober...

2007-06-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

"CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER"
by EVANESCENCE
"Song of the Week" as requested in the Cbox.

"Don't cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You want me, come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should've let you fall,
Lose it all...
So maybe you can remember yourself.

Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves,
And I'm sick of the lies,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You want me, come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame,
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded,
You can't play the victim this time.
And you're too late.

So, don't cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You love me, come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober,
You only want it 'cause it's over - it's over.

How could I have burned paradise.
How could I, you were never mine?

So, don't cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
Don't lie to me, just get your things.
I've made up your mind."

The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

Mental Health Tip of the Week: Gratitude & Health

2007-06-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

When I think of what it takes to be happy, I have discovered that contentment, joy, happiness and gratitude have less to do with circumstances and much more to do with personal choice. I heard a quote a long time ago attributed to Abraham Lincoln: "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." I don't think I believed that as a young person, I still believed that things happened TO me, not that I chose how to react TO things.
More recently I heard someone say "your brain doesn't know when you're kidding." Meaning: for better or worse, the things we tell ourselves--audible or not--our brain "hears" and then sends signals to our body accordingly.
It has taken me far too long to learn these truths. If I wake up feeling tired, in pain, stressed, late--and let my mind wander to those places, my outlook and body sensations follow. Instead, once I notice that inner dialog taking place, I intentionally make a choice and begin reciting to myself (usually silently) what I call my "grateful mantras." Believe you don't have that much to be grateful for? Start simple! "I am grateful that I can do all my own personal hygiene, grooming and dressing. I am grateful that I can tie my shoes. I am grateful that although I feel pain that it is manageable and does not stop me from going and doing. I am grateful that I can see myself in the mirror to do my hair. I am grateful that I have a reason to get up and go somewhere that necessitates my showering and dressing and doing my hair. I am grateful that I am driving myself to work, and even before that, that I walked to my car under my own power."
Sound silly? Well, I am telling you it works! Choose first, feelings follow. Change your words, then your thoughts will change, then feelings will follow. Okay, that is my small addition to the subject. Now below is more on the subject of gratitude and how good it is for our health and well being.
______________________________________________________________

"Make a Gratitude Adjustment: Count your blessings for a mood boost.

The Snowball Effect

Gratitude is a sentiment we'd all do well to cultivate, according to positive psychologists, mental health clinicians and researchers who seek to help everyone create more joy in life. Feeling thankful and expressing that thanks makes you happier and heartier—not hokier.

The biggest bonuses come from experiencing gratitude habitually, but natural ingrates needn't despair. Simple exercises can give even skeptics a short-term mood boost, and "once you get started, you find more and more things to be grateful for," says Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude researcher at the University of California at Davis.

Your Happiness List

Gratitude needn't be directed at another person to hit its mark. Take just a few minutes each day to jot down things that make you thankful, from the generosity of friends to the food on your table or the right to vote. After a few weeks, people who follow this routine "feel better about themselves, have more energy and feel more alert," Emmons says. Feeling thankful even brings physical changes, studies show. List-keepers sleep better, exercise more and gain a general contentment that may counteract stress and contribute to overall health.

Gratitude exercises do call for a certain amount of openness. Emmons remembers one woman who wrote the same gratitude list every day: "my cat, my dog and my apartment." In addition to slighting her dog as second-best, the woman probably didn't feel the fruits of gratitude, Emmons says, because she didn't put much thought or care into her task. *Exercises "can be done with skepticism, but not with cynicism."*

At First, Fake It

For people who want to activate their gratitude, but feel slightly silly about the exercises, Peterson advises, "fake it until you can make it." Say "thank you" enough, he reasons, and your mind will fall in line with your words. Think you don't have anyone to thank? *Gratitude "doesn't depend on circumstances,"* Emmons says.

You can be grateful for just about anything that you've received in part because of someone or something else. You may feel grateful to your neighbor for a car pool, to luck for meeting your spouse, to nature for a scenic view or to fate or a higher power for your safety. Thankfulness helps you see that you're an object of love and care. Says Emmons: "Your self-esteem is bolstered when you say, 'Hey, people have done things for me.'"

A conscious focus on gratitude may also remind you of unassuming pluses that get lost in the ups and downs of a busy life. "The most important blessings are the ones that are most consistent," such as family, health and home, says Philip Watkins, an Eastern Washington University psychologist. "And those are the ones we take for granted." Grateful reflection helps you pick out and savor the good in life, even if the good isn't flashy.

What's more, *gratitude turns your attention to what you do have instead of what you don't,* Watkins suggests. Consistently ungrateful people tend to think that material goods, such as a big-screen TV, or winning the lottery will make them happy. On the other hand, people who recognize the blessings they have tend to think they'll get happiness from things like fulfilling relationships—which, research shows, are the real sources of satisfaction. Because grateful people don't fixate on money or material goods, they may cut back on envy and nagging comparisons with the Joneses.

Gratitude may chase away thoughts far worse than a desire for a big-screen TV. Traumatic memories fade into the background for people who regularly feel grateful, Watkins's experiments show. *Troublesome thoughts pop up less frequently and with less intensity, which suggests that gratitude may enhance emotional healing.* Thankfulness helps the brain fully process events, Watkins speculates. *Grateful people achieve closure by making sense of negative events so that they mesh with a generally positive outlook.*

When individuals start a daily gratitude journal, they begin to feel a greater sense of connectedness to the world. "The differences are noticed by others," Emmons says. "People who know them say they're more helpful." Thankfulness may launch a happy cycle in which rich friendships bring joy, which gives you more to be grateful for, which fortifies your friendships once again.

Even a simple "thank you" spurs people to act in compassionate ways they might not otherwise consider. People thanked for giving directions help more willingly in the future, social workers who get thank-you letters visit their clients more often, and diners whose waiters write 'thanks' on the check give bigger tips. Call it corny, but gratitude just may be the glue that holds society together."

Content By: Lauren Aaronson
Psychology Today
http://health.msn.com/centers/mentalhealth/ArticlePage.aspx?cp-documentid=100136641

mental health

Song of the Week: BELIEF

2007-06-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

Belief by John Mayer

http://www.myspace.com/johnmayer

"Is there anyone who ever remembers
changing their mind from the paint on a sign?
is there anyone who really recalls
ever breaking rank at all
for something someone yelled real loud one time?

oh, everyone believes
in how they think it ought to be
oh, everyone believes
and they're not going easily

belief is a beautiful armor
but makes for the heaviest sword
like punching underwater
you never can hit who you're trying for

some lead the exhibition
and some have to know they tried
it's the chemical weapon
for the war that's raging on inside.

oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly.

we're never gonna win the world
we're never gonna stop the war
we're never gonna beat this
if belief is what we're fighting for

is there anyone you can remember
ever surrender with their life on the line?

we're never gonna win the world
we're never gonna stop the war
we're never gonna beat this
if belief is what we're fighting for

what puts a hundred thousand children in the sand?
belief can, belief can
what puts a folded flag inside his mother's hand?
belief can, belief can."

Mental Health Tip of the Week: On Procrastination...

2007-06-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Although it is technically true that I engaged in a form of "procrastination" from other things I have yet to do today to look up helpful information on procrastination, I am enriched by what I found today... and I hope you will be too!

(This excellent article found at http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/overcoming-procrastination.htm)

Overcoming Procrastination:

Procrastination, the habit of putting tasks off to the last possible minute, can be a major problem in both your career and your personal life. Missed opportunities, frenzied work hours, stress, feeling overwhelmed, resentment, and guilt are just some of the symptoms. This article will explore the root causes of procrastination and give you several practical tools to overcome it.

Replace "Have To" With "Want To"

First, thinking that you absolutely have to do something is a major reason for procrastination. When you tell yourself that you have to do something, you're implying that you're being forced to do it, so you'll automatically feel a sense of resentment and rebellion. Procrastination kicks in as a defense mechanism to keep you away from this pain. If the task you are putting off has a real deadline, then when the deadline gets very close, the sense of pain associated with the task becomes overridden by the much greater sense of pain if you don't get started immediately.

The solution to this first mental block is to realize and accept that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Even though there may be serious consequences, you are always free to choose. If you don't like where you've ended up, you're free to start making different decisions, and new results will follow. Also be aware that you don't procrastinate in every area of your life. Even the worst procrastinators have areas where they never procrastinate. In each situation the freedom of choice is yours. So if you're putting off starting that new project you feel you "have to" do, realize that you're choosing to do it of your own free will. Procrastination becomes less likely on tasks that you openly and freely choose to undertake.

Replace "Finish It" With "Begin It"

Secondly, thinking of a task as one big whole that you have to complete will virtually ensure that you put it off. When you focus on the idea of finishing a task where you can't even clearly envision all the steps that will lead to completion, you create a feeling of overwhelm. You then associate this painful feeling to the task and delay as long as possible. If you say to yourself, "I've got to do my taxes today," or "I must complete this report," you're very likely to feel overwhelmed and put the task off.

The solution is to think of starting one small piece of the task instead of mentally feeling that you must finish the whole thing. Replace, "How am I going to finish this?" with "What small step can I start on right now?" If you simply start a task enough times, you will eventually finish it. If one of the projects you want to complete is to clean out your garage, thinking that you have to finish this big project in one fell swoop can make you feel overwhelmed, and you'll put it off. Ask yourself how you can get started on just one small part of the project. For example, go to your garage with a notepad, and simply write down a few ideas for quick 10-minute tasks you could do to make a dent in the piles of junk. Maybe move one or two obvious pieces of junk to the trash can while you're there. Don't worry about finishing anything significant. Just focus on what you can do right now. If you do this enough times, you'll eventually be starting on the final piece of the task, and that will lead to finishing.

Replace Perfectionism With Permission To Be Human

A third type of erroneous thinking that leads to procrastination is perfectionism. Thinking that you must do the job perfectly the first try will likely prevent you from ever getting started. Believing that you must do something perfectly is a recipe for stress, and you'll associate that stress with the task and thus condition yourself to avoid it. You then end up putting the task off to the last possible minute, so that you finally have a way out of this trap. Now there isn't enough time to do the job perfectly, so you're off the hook because you can tell yourself that you could have been perfect if you only had more time. But if you have no specific deadline for a task, perfectionism can cause you to delay indefinitely. If you've never even started that project you always wanted to do really well, could perfectionism be holding you back?

The solution to perfectionism is to give yourself permission to be human. Have you ever used a piece of software that you consider to be perfect in every way? I doubt it. Realize that an imperfect job completed today is always superior to the perfect job delayed indefinitely. Perfectionism is also closely connected to thinking of the task as one big whole. Replace that one big perfectly completed task in your mind with one small imperfect first step.

Replace Deprivation With Guaranteed Fun

A fourth mental block is associating deprivation with a task. This means you believe that undertaking a project will offset much of the pleasure in your life. In order to complete this project, will you have to put the rest of your life on hold? Do you tell yourself that you will have to go into seclusion, work long hours, never see your family, and have no time for fun? That's not likely to be very motivating, yet this is what many people do when trying to push themselves into action. Picturing an extended period of working long hours in solitude with no time for fun is a great way to guarantee procrastination.

The solution to the deprivation mindset is to do the exact opposite. Guarantee the fun parts of your life first, and then schedule your work around them. This may sound counterproductive, but this reverse psychology works extremely well. Decide in advance what times you will allocate each week to family time, entertainment, exercise, social activities, and personal hobbies. Guarantee an abundance of all your favorite leisure activities. Then limit the amount of working hours each week to whatever is left. By treating your working time as a scarce resource rather than an uncontrollable monster that can gobble up every other area of your life, you'll begin to feel much more balanced, and you'll be far more focused and effective in using your working time. What would happen if you only allowed yourself a certain number of hours a week to work? What if I came to you and said, "You are only allowed to work 10 hours this week?" Your feeling of deprivation would be reversed, wouldn't it? Instead of feeling that work was depriving you of leisure time, you'd feel you were being deprived of work. You'd replace, "I want to play" with "I want to work," your motivation for work would skyrocket, and all traces of procrastination would vanish.

I also strongly recommend that you take at least one full day off each week with no work whatsoever. This will really recharge you and make you eager to start the coming week. Having a guaranteed work-free day will increase your motivation for work and make you less likely to procrastinate. If you know that the next day is your day off, you'll be less likely to put off tasks, since you won't allow yourself the luxury of allowing them to spill over into your day off. When you think that every day is a work day, however, work seems never-ending, and you always tell yourself, "I should be working." Thus, your brain will use procrastination as a way to guarantee that you get some form of pleasure in your life.

I hope this article has helped you gain a greater insight into the causes of procrastination and how you can overcome it. Realize that procrastination is caused by associating some form of pain or unpleasantness to the task you are contemplating. The way to overcome procrastination is simply to reduce the pain and increase the pleasure you associate with beginning a task, thus allowing you to overcome inertia and build positive forward momentum. And if you begin any task again and again, you will ultimately finish it.

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