What Therapy is and is Not

"Therapy isn't curing somebody of something; it is a means of helping a person explore himself, his life, his consciousness. My purpose as a therapist is to find out what it means to be human. Every human being must have a point at which he stands against the culture, where he says, 'This is me and the world be damned!' Leaders have always been the ones to stand against the society — Socrates, Christ, Freud, all the way down the line." - Rollo May

Must... Resist... CONTROL...

I heard a quote once that really resonated with me. I heard it in the context of material I was teaching in a B.I.P. I regularly facilitate. The quote was:

"Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence..." (Ghandi)

Think about that one for a minute. What do you think of that?

One of the main premises we come from when attempting to instruct men how to change their mind about their abusive behaviors and become men of integrity is that at the root of their abusive behaviors is power and control. Trying to obtain power, and maintain control. Control is really an illusory thing anyway, but that may be another topic for another day. The only thing that anyone has any measure of control over is their OWN thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions and inactions. PERIOD.

Here is a good article on this topic.

Resisting Control
Imposing Your Will On Others

The right to make your own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control others. They may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power. These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. However, nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.

Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.

If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities. Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.

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Relationship Counseling: Does It Work?

By Coulson Duerksen

Everyone knows that having excellent relationship communication is vital to your relationship. In many forms of relationship counseling, relationship counselors will bring up relationship communication as part of relationship counseling. Since statistics show that 60 percent of marriages end in divorce, one reason may be that many couples don't seek relationship counseling until it's too late. Most people who have tried relationship counseling believe it works, and couples who have split often say they wish they had tried relationship counseling first to help improve their relationship communication.

"Most people realize that getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem because half the problem is yours," says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don't Break Up (Adams Media Corporation, 1999). "You can walk out on your marriage, but you can't run away from yourself — no matter how hard you try," she says.

One of the biggest challenges for most couples is learning how to stop blaming each other so that they can work through the troubled times without the power struggles. Relationship counseling offers a safe haven for couples to express their needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict.

"More relationships break up because people don't know how to validate each other," says Dr. Eaker Weil. But with the right counseling and a little practice, couples can learn the skills to save their relationships.

A Conscious Approach to Relationship Counseling
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D, authors of The Conscious Heart: Seven Soul-Choices That Inspire Creative Partnership (Bantam, 1999) and Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Bantam, 1992), have worked with thousands of couples over the past two decades. They're the first to acknowledge that success depends upon a number of factors, including the approach.

The Hendrickses take a "whole-body" learning approach. They look for the physical "dance" that's going on between partners, and ask couples to notice what's going on in their bodies. Is there tension? If so, where? Is their breathing shallow? By identifying actual body sensations, such as "my heart is racing," people accomplish two things: 1) They change their state of consciousness, and 2) begin to communicate on a level that is unarguable. Communicating in a way that is unarguable is the most valuable skill you can learn, according to Kathlyn Hendricks, because it allows you to communicate without blame. "Identifying body sensations is the foundation for identifying how we create (and resolve) conflict," she says.

Relationship Counseling: Something for Everyone
The Hendricks's method is not for everyone because it means that each partner has to take 100 percent responsibility for their experience in the relationship. But with the overwhelming number of approaches to relationship counseling available, just about everyone can find one that works for them.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Bantam, 1998) and The Wisdom of Menopause (Bantam, 2003), has tried and recommends the Hendricks's approach to relationship counseling. "I am a big fan of marriage," she says. "I think everyone can use a little help with beliefs and behaviors when it comes to relationships." Although divorced, Dr. Northrup advocates doing all you can to make your marriage work, unless it's a physically, psychologically or emotionally abusive relationship. If so, you need help, not relationship counseling. Organizations such as Family Crisis (1-800-537-6066) are available 24 hours a day.

Dr. Northrup also recommends Michele Weiner-Davis's approach to relationship counseling, along with her book, Getting Through to The Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide For Women (Golden Books Pub. Co., 1999), and Dr. Phil McGraw's approach, which is outlined in his book Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner (Hyperion, 2000).

Weiner-Davis, an internationally renowned relationship expert and psychotherapist, has said that everything a woman needs to know about changing her man can be learned from a good dog-training manual. Weiner-Davis, who only counsels women, teaches skills to help women create the type of relationships they want.

Dr. Phil, a psychologist, takes a more confrontational approach to stopping the "blame cycle" by asking couples to decide to be happy, not right. His seven steps involve: Defining what's "wrong" with you and your relationship; ridding yourself of "wrong" thinking; switching from negative thoughts/behaviors to positive thoughts/behavior; internalizing new personal relationship values; developing a winning "relationship formula"; reconnecting with your partner; and learning to maintain your relationship.

With all the help available today, most experts agree: There's no reason to resign yourself to a bad relationship.

found at: http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/relationshipcounseling_02.html

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Selah Counseling, LLC, located in Linn Co. Oregon, established in 2005 to provide mental health services for individuals, families, couples, adolescents and groups.

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