It's Not OK

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every fiber of your being knows that what is happening to you is not OK, and that you are not alright? I'd venture to say most of us have. Sometimes the best thing I can say to another is: no, that is not OK and no, you are not insane.

"I'm Not Alright"

"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall...
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall.

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong."

(Sanctus Real)

mental health

Love never fails (read the fine print)

"Love never fails." No matter your spiritual background you have likely heard that one. But read the fine print. Love never fails (but people do, and they will).

What is the first thing that happens when love does fail? Does the person who failed get the blame? No. Love does. People get hurt and they swear they won't love again. Plus add to that, they have lost hope as well.

I've worked with a lot of families and have seen a lot of lost love -- and a lot of people failing one another. This kind of thing gives me fresh eyes for an old story.

There was a once son who had a family. It would have seemed as though he had all he needed. He even had a brother to lighten the load (and take part of the blame when things went wrong). And yet, there was discontent among the family members. The siblings were bickering, the son didn’t like that he lost privileges because the other sibling had broken some rules. In addition to all that, times were tight in the land and the son was not getting all the material things he believed he deserved. The son was tired of the chores, tired of the rules -- tired of the lack.

One day the son decided he was going to leave. He was entitled to have all he wanted, and to live the life of freedom he believed he deserved.  Did he ask for these things? No. He took them. In fact, he demanded them. And then he left. Left in a hurry without giving his family any time to prepare... or to have any closure.

From here most people know how that story goes. But there has got to be a back-story that few may have thought about.

What about those left back home? What about the father? Well, we know he was ever watching--hoping the son would return. But I imagine he was also grieving. What about the brother? We know he was angry and felt he got the short end of the stick. Why? Because he had not only been the one to work doubly hard now, but I imagine he may have also been someone who needed to comfort his father during this time of sadness and loss. No wonder he was angry! He is thinking "My brother is off having the time of his life, doing whatever he wants, getting all the clothes, food, easy company and laughter he wants. And me? I am working twice as hard now... and dealing with my father's broken heart."

Seems like it would be very easy in that situation to blame love. Love did fail! We gave our best, and still we are left with empty hearts and calloused hands!

Even when loss and disappointment of such life altering proportions does inevitably arrive (unannounced and unwelcome)... I must remind myself (and I encourage you to remind yourself) it is not love that failed. People fail. Love never fails. And please, try not to give up on hope either, for it was not hope that disappointed.

"Don't say it's love that broke your heart
When you trusted someone
Cause love's the victim, not the crime
And love will be there to break your fall
If you'll trust in love, just in love
Know that love could never break your heart
But love can break your fall.
I know it's hard to trust again
But I'll stay with you, stay with me now
Let go of your heartache, learn to forgive
Won't you wait just a moment
And give your heart a chance to begin again
Though you've run before
Tell me, where will you go if you walk out the door?
I could never have found my own way
It was God's love that saved this heart of mine from dying
And when you find His love is all that you have...
Then you see love is all that you need."

(By Grant Cunningham and Mark Hammond)

mental health

spirituality

The mysteries of change and pain

It seems to me that one roadblock that stands in the way of change is the tendency for people, myself included, to deny or numb the pain we feel about our situation. I’m sure, of course, there are certain types of pain where this strategy is perfectly justified. But what happens when we deny the pain related to something such as our life, history, vocation? Here are a few things that seem to be common to the experience:

• We forget how to dream
• We forget our true capabilities and skills
• We become unhappy (both consciously and unconsciously)
• We turn to forms of escapism

So how should a person deal with this pain? One suggestion is to recognize and feel the pain. It will be uncomfortable and it could hurt a great deal, but you will at least know you are alive instead of being a zombie or on autopilot. And in fact, I have learned to acknowledge that in some ways, pain is my friend. Not in a sadomasochistic way, but in the sense that pain can provide me with information. Information that may be useful on my journey toward change and growth.

It was been discovered that it is often in these moments of pain that we can begin to be willing to open the door to change. When we are honest with ourselves about the problem, we give ourselves the opportunity to fix it. And not only that, we can tap into an incredible source of motivation.

More at this link... http://www.thechangeblog.com/feel-the-pain/

"We change when the pain to change is less than the pain to remain as we are." (Ed Foreman)

Must... Resist... CONTROL...

I heard a quote once that really resonated with me. I heard it in the context of material I was teaching in a B.I.P. I regularly facilitate. The quote was:

"Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence..." (Ghandi)

Think about that one for a minute. What do you think of that?

One of the main premises we come from when attempting to instruct men how to change their mind about their abusive behaviors and become men of integrity is that at the root of their abusive behaviors is power and control. Trying to obtain power, and maintain control. Control is really an illusory thing anyway, but that may be another topic for another day. The only thing that anyone has any measure of control over is their OWN thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions and inactions. PERIOD.

Here is a good article on this topic.

Resisting Control
Imposing Your Will On Others

The right to make your own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control others. They may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power. These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. However, nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.

Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.

If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities. Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.

mental health

counseling

community

The only person you can change... is you!

Is that a revelation to any of you? I think at one point in time in my life it was a revelation to me. How much daily energy do we spend trying to overtly or covertly change those around us? A friend, a boyfriend, a family member, a wife? Why? Why do we exert so much of our precious energy trying to change everyone else around us... except for ourselves? How can we take self-responsibility in our own lives and leave the change and growth of others up to those individuals? So many questions. Maybe this article will have some answers.

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (on PsychCentral)

One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.

mental health

counseling

Without A Net

Without a Net: Living Life With Trust (http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/10605.html)

"As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.

If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.

We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.

When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way."

Negative thoughts and self sabotage

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Are you carrying around some junk? You know, those hurtful and disastrous things that you may have been told by someone during the course of your life. It was supposed to be taken with a grain of salt or simply ignored but most of the times we take that criticism and wear it like a hat of shame! Negative thinking can make all sorts of things incredibly difficult. It is like a leak in your confidence bucket--constantly drip-drip-dripping away your confidence and self esteem.

Negative thinking can be useful to help assess the possible pitfalls in a potential plan of action, but you need to be able to turn it on and off at will. Otherwise, negative thoughts will sabotage your self belief, your confidence and your achievements. Here are some effects of negative thinking:

Sleeping problems
It can become very difficult to get to sleep, because you feel worse at night. There are a number of reasons why. While you’re trying to drop off to sleep, there’s nothing to distract you from the worries that may have been lurking in the background during the day.

Sapping your self-confidence
The more problems you think you have, the less able you may feel to cope with them, and this can increase your sense of helplessness. This reduces your confidence, making you more vulnerable to your fears.

Unhelpful strategies
Under this kind of pressure, it may become very difficult for you to concentrate and carry on with everyday life, so that your problems tend to build up. It’s emotionally draining to feel anxious all the time. It may feel as though your whole life is being taken over by it.

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Research shows that people who receive positive distractions for just eight minutes show a remarkable change in their moods and in breaking the cycle of repetitive thought. So, next time you catch yourself repeating the same negative thoughts over and over in your mind, use the STOP acronym:

1. S - Say the word STOP!

Interrupt your internal destructive thoughts. Tell yourself firmly to “STOP” over thinking. Be strict, and don’t let them intrude on your thoughts. It also might be helpful to visualize a box to place all your negative thoughts in, which you may open at a later date or time.

2. T - TAKE a break!

Take a deep breath. Then, take a break. Go for a walk or a hike, read a great book, listen to your favorite music. Do something to take your attention away from over thinking, and if possible, change the environment.

Also try some relaxation exercises, they often focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This could involve imagining yourself in a new setting, such as a beach, a designer home or a garden. You could visualize your worries as physical objects that can be discarded, such as stones or rocks you could heave into the distance.

Sometimes, doing a relaxation exercise makes people feel quite uncomfortable. You might feel that it’s not working, or that you’re doing it wrong. It’s best to take the attitude that you’re just giving it a go, and that these negative thoughts are normal. Surprisingly, learning to relax takes practice.

3. O - Focus on the OUTCOME!

Focus on the OUTCOME of your goals. Affirm why you are committed to your goals. The way we feel and what we experience in our body comes from what we focus our attention upon during a given moment. And at any moment, we are “deleting” most of what is going on around us. That is, to feel bad, we have to delete (not focus on, not think about) everything that’s great in our life. And vice versa. For us to feel good, we have to delete the things we could feel bad about.

4. P - PRAISE yourself!

PRAISE and acknowledge yourself for the progress you are making. Remember, you’re looking for progress, not perfection! Give yourself a reward every time you’re successful with overcoming negative thoughts. And remember small changes make a big difference.

By recognizing that you do have negative thoughts you’ve taken the first step. Now, start playing “Devil’s Advocate” and challenge yourself to find the positive. Turn your thoughts around and your moods will follow suit.

(This helpful content found at http://ririanproject.com/2007/10/28/here%e2%80%99s-a-quick-way-to-stop-negative-thoughts/)

And remember--our thoughts create our reality!

Song of the Week: Crazy Beautiful

Crazy Beautiful

"Everybody's been there everyone's the same
but mostly we don't care isn't that a shame
We bring us down face after face
the inside is beautiful but the outside we want to change.
We want to change.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Well every new year you say your gonna change
There's no need to change
We're different but the same
In the eyes of the King
We're beautifully made
In his image we're made
Whoa you're oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self, you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Take a look it’s all around you
See the world from different views
The way you shine from the inside
I know with out a doubt
It’s more than what you'll be
In the world's eyes.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone's a approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are

You're crazy beautiful."

The above lyrics "Crazy Beautiful" by Chasen, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

1 different thought opens the door

How does change begin? Some say simply with desire to change. But desire is often not enough to move us forward into the drive energy it takes to change.

How does change begin? Quite simply, by thinking one thought different. Just like that.

Once you think just one thought differently then that opens the door, paves the way for thinking a second thought differently.

I am a firm believer that in order to change our behavior, we must first change our mind. All lasting change comes from within. It starts with positive thoughts, and then turn thoughts into actions.

The power of positive thinking and personal empowerment is a huge factor. A life filled with gratitude, rather than remorse. A life looking forward, rather than back.

One of the easiest cognitive therapy approaches to understand is that of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) as developed by Albert Ellis.

Rational Emotive Therapy tells us about the ABC’s of emotional life. It is practical and easy to apply.

"A" stands for "Actual Event" and represents what happens to you in life.
"B" stands for a "Belief" about what happened.
"C" stand for the "Consequence" of the event on mood and behavior.

In life it appears to us that events happen and that the events cause our moods and behavior. It appears that A (an event) causes C (a consequence). So, if a friend breaks your trust you may be hurt and depressed. You may later tell someone that your friend has ruined your life and has made you miserable.

However, in order to be hurt and depressed you have to have a belief about what happened. You must be thinking in a certain way. It is your belief or thinking that is creating your reaction. You might be thinking, "It is horrible. It is terrible. I have been betrayed. I’ll never trust again."

It is your belief that is creating the consequence. Change the belief and the result will change. What else could you be telling yourself? What might be a more realistic assessment of the event?

You could be thinking, "This is tough and I don’t like it but I am glad that I found out now rather than later. I made a mistake, but I can learn from it. I can get through it." You reaction might be one of hurt and disappointment, which is a more realistic response. You would not fall into a state of depression and misery.

Changing your belief changes the result.

some information gathered from www.lessons4living.com/depression5.htm
mental health

Breaking Free! Getting UN-stuck...

Why do we stay "stuck" where we are in certain areas of our lives? Why is it that we talk about change, but but just can't seem to put drive behind our desire? This article contains five ideas to help the "shift" (from desire to action) happen, plus much more excellent information. Read on, click below!

read more | digg story



mental health

selah

Mental Health Tip of the Week: The mystery of "CHANGE"

What is it that is so mysterious and elusive about change? Why isn't desire to change enough? Why do we lose momentum when we are in the change process? And why doesn't what worked last decade work this time around when trying to make a change?

Behavior change is rarely a discrete, single event; the individual moves gradually from being uninterested to considering a change to deciding and preparing to make a change. For most persons, a change in behavior occurs gradually, with the individual moving from that place of being uninterested, unaware or unwilling to make a change, to considering a change, to deciding and preparing to make a change. Genuine, determined action is then taken and, over time, attempts to maintain the new behavior occur. It is important to remember that relapses are almost inevitable and become part of the process of working toward life-long change.

A little about the five stages of change:

Precontemplation Stage

During the precontemplation stage, individuals do not even consider changing. Smokers who are "in denial" may not see that the advice applies to them personally. Persons with high cholesterol levels may feel "immune" to the health problems that strike others. Overweight individuals may have tried unsuccessfully so many times to lose weight that they have simply given up.

Contemplation Stage

During the contemplation stage, persons are ambivalent about changing. Giving up an enjoyed behavior causes them to feel a sense of loss despite the perceived gain. During this stage, individuals assess barriers (e.g., time, expense, hassle, fear, "I know I need to, doc, but ...") as well as the benefits of change.

Preparation Stage

During the preparation stage, persons prepare to make a specific change. They may experiment with small changes as their determination to change increases. For example, sampling low-fat foods may be an experimentation with or a move toward greater dietary modification. Switching to a different brand of cigarettes or decreasing their drinking signals that they have decided a change is needed.

Action Stage

The action stage is the one that everyone is eager to see the one's they care about reach. Many failed New Year's resolutions provide evidence that if the prior stages have been glossed over, action itself is often not enough. Any action taken by individuals should be praised because it demonstrates the desire for lifestyle change.

Maintenance and Relapse Prevention

Maintenance and relapse prevention involves incorporating the new behavior "over the long haul." Discouragement over occasional "slips" may halt the change process and result in a person giving up. However, most individuals find themselves "recycling" through the stages of change several times before the change becomes truly established.

Relapse is common during lifestyle changes. It can be very helpful to realize that even though a relapse has occurred, the individual has learned something new about themselves and about the process of changing behavior. Focusing on the successful part of the plan ("You did it for six days; what made that work?") shifts the focus from failure, promotes problem solving and offers encouragement. It is not failure until a person stops trying altogether. The goal here is to support individuals and re-engage their efforts in the change process. We all should be left with a sense of realistic goals to prevent discouragement, and have the positive steps toward behavior change acknowledged.

(Info. adapted from: http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000301/1409.html)

mental health