The Myth of Perfection

There is no solace to be found in the myth of perfection. And yet, so many of us hold up the banner, and pledge allegiance to the myth of perfection.

Is there anything wrong with the pursuit of goodness, excellence, fidelity? Of course not.

However, living in circles that primarily outwardly display the persona of perfection can fill one with the idea that their imperfections are not welcome in the daylight. There is plenty of affirmation that struggles and failures are not welcome out in the open. I speak from the experience of having been raised within Christian circles. You want to know something about amazing grace? The amazing thing is that so many of the ones who take on the name of Christ know so little about extending grace to other humans.

This is not a dissertation for or against religion. This is more of an encouragement for anyone who might still be willing to open up and be appropriately transparent with others around them.

Why?

For the purpose of letting others know that they can make it through hard times. (Some say the only way out is through.) That maybe they don't have to pull up stakes and run and hide to conceal their imperfections and wounds. That they are not simply welcome within a community once they clean themselves up bind up their own woulds and present in front of others with the continued myth of perfection untarnished.

"Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?
Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?
False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light Keep your secrets to yourself It's not about you but them lookin' right No time to be ugly Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears Shout for joy little boys and girls You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too." (John Reuben)

The mysteries of change and pain

It seems to me that one roadblock that stands in the way of change is the tendency for people, myself included, to deny or numb the pain we feel about our situation. I’m sure, of course, there are certain types of pain where this strategy is perfectly justified. But what happens when we deny the pain related to something such as our life, history, vocation? Here are a few things that seem to be common to the experience:

• We forget how to dream
• We forget our true capabilities and skills
• We become unhappy (both consciously and unconsciously)
• We turn to forms of escapism

So how should a person deal with this pain? One suggestion is to recognize and feel the pain. It will be uncomfortable and it could hurt a great deal, but you will at least know you are alive instead of being a zombie or on autopilot. And in fact, I have learned to acknowledge that in some ways, pain is my friend. Not in a sadomasochistic way, but in the sense that pain can provide me with information. Information that may be useful on my journey toward change and growth.

It was been discovered that it is often in these moments of pain that we can begin to be willing to open the door to change. When we are honest with ourselves about the problem, we give ourselves the opportunity to fix it. And not only that, we can tap into an incredible source of motivation.

More at this link... http://www.thechangeblog.com/feel-the-pain/

"We change when the pain to change is less than the pain to remain as we are." (Ed Foreman)

Adding Insult to Injury?

Most of us have heard that expression. No one wants to be in the position of having insult added to injury they are already coping with. I have found that often we are the ones who more often than not are adding the insult to our own injuries. How do we do that? One of the ways I know I do that is by adding suffering on top of the pain I experience. How do I do that? One way is by not living in the present moment--let alone the present day. If I am feeling pain or infirmity on a given day, many times my mind starts wandering away from the present moment. I start thinking “if my (knee or back, etc.) is hurting like this today, how am going to maintain complete strength and independence at 80?” Seems pretty silly to be thinking that when I finally get to a place of re-centering myself. But in a moment like that--then is when I add suffering to my pain--when I add insult to my injuries. It is often not so much what is happening to us, but more the meaning we ascribe to it.

So many truths come to mind when I am being present enough in the now to regain my focus. Simple lines from songs, like: “One day at a time” or “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow... morning by morning new mercies I see” or even “I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn, across a blue blanket, I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless--and in this moment I am happy.” Music has always been able to reach me when about nothing else could.

I also gain life enhancing wisdom from books I read. Here is a quote: “All God’s beautiful creatures do (stay in the now) in every moment of their existence. They’re not concerned with their demise; they bask in the exhilaration of the now. Every moment is fully experienced. They don’t make life an enemy and use up their precious moments in a state of anxiety or depression.” (Wayne Dyer)

The above quote brought to mind:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

(Matthew 6:30-34)

OK. So, I have got here a fair amount of excellent meditation material to help me focus on the now. Simple daily meditations to remind myself: “His grace is sufficient” I have “strength for today and hope for tomorrow” help me stay focused on the goal: “maintaining a friendly relationship with the now rather than treating it as an obstacle to endure on the way to somewhere else.” (Dyer)

What will I choose right now? What will you choose?

Breathing and Noticing

Breathing and Noticing... this is something I heard an instructor recommend at a training I attended once. It was actually a mindfulness technique that I believed I could utilize in my own life.
Below I am posting a very useful article from PsychCentral with some further calming techniques for a distressed mind. And who couldn't use a little more calming in this crazy world?

Calming Your Distressed Mind

by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Sometimes in life it’s helpful to have signposts that we can see to help bring us back to the present moment and reinforce a certain way of being that we aspire to. Just like signs on the road may help remind us to slow down or children crossing, we can use short verses in our day to day to remind us to be how we want to be.

Check for auto-pilot reaction before moving on: Take a moment to check in with any judgments that might be arising right now. For example, “short verses? Is he nuts? How could that ever help me?” or “What is this, an affirmation, those never work.” Or “why am I even continuing to read this?” If anything like this arises, this is normal, just take a moment to notice the automatic judgment, let it be, take a breath to help ground to the here and now and then gently continue on with the next paragraph.

Acclaimed author, teacher, and Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh uses short phrases all the time to support himself in being more present, grounded, and aware in daily life. He has taught this practice to medical professionals, Psychologists, and students for many years now. He teaches the practices of walking and/or breathing and using these phrases to support us in calming our distressed minds and being more present to every day life.

For example,

• You may take three steps while breathing in and say “Breathing in, I calm my body” and then with the following three steps “Breathing out, I relax.” You can then shorten this to saying “calm” as you breathe in, and “relax” as you breathe out.
• “Breathing in, I notice the colors all around me, breathing out, I smile.” Then shorten to “Breathing in, colors, breathing out, smile.” Even if we don’t feel like smiling, the simple act of doing a half-smile sometimes can change the tension in our faces, which in turn affects our mood.
• “Breathing in, I have arrived, breathing out, I am home.” Then shorten too “Breathing in, arrived, breathing out, home.” Have you ever had the experience where you were rushing home to relax. It doesn’t make sense and isn’t effective is calming the nervous system. Sometimes reminding ourselves that we have arrived to the present moment already and that we are home can help calm an anxious mind. We can then slow down and get home a few minutes later in a more collected and relaxed state.
• “Breathing in, I wash my hands, breathing out, may I use them wisely throughout the day.” Shorten to, “Breathing in, washing, breathing out, wise hands.” This practice can not only bring appreciation to one of the unsung heroes of our bodies, our hands, but also reinforce the idea of being aware of all they do during the day and being more mindful with them. This cultivation of appreciation can support us in feeling well.

These are just some examples; you can make up your own that fit for you. You can do this while walking or just sitting and breathing. And of course, most important of all, don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. If it’s not for you, cast it aside, but give it a shot. Pay attention to how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally before doing it and then again after you do it for a few breaths.

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broken AND used!

I was reading a friend's blog today, and her post reminded me of my thoughts on the subject of being a cracked pot.

I used to believe that I had to be perfect. I somehow internalized the idea that it was my responsibility to keep myself polished and pristine--free of flaws. I don't know if I was taught this at home or at church or if it was the "first born" in me. However, much to my dismay that goal was just not possible to achieve--let alone maintain!
Once reality had hit me square between the eyes, I found myself cracked and scratched up with the paint chipped. I had believed that if I was no longer "perfect" (what a myth that anyone could even be perfect) I was relegated to the shelf in the back room... basically discarded. And there I stayed--for a while. Have you ever been there?

But thankfully, after a time of healing (the healing is ever an ongoing journey not a destination)--including gracious and wise interventions, I discovered that I could still be valuable in spite of the fact I am broken and cracked. And in fact, it seems as if it is because I am cracked that The Light shines out from inside of me to those around me all the more effectively.
Broken AND used... imagine that!
Plus, it is my brokenness that has given me wheelbarrow loads full of compassion and empathy for individuals from all walks of life as well as from many and varied backgrounds.
I'll end this post with a thought provoking quote (which could very well spark another post topic at some point).

"If we're all cracked pots,
then why are most of us walking around
with hammers
instead of glue?"

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Coming Clean...

We have all been in situations when we have done something we know we shouldn't have been doing. What is generally our natural reaction?

Cover, deflect, blame, minimize, justify.

I regularly facilitate a group. During group one night this week, while the participants were having their check-in time, one individual gave a report that "all was well and things were going better." Sounded encouraging. However, as facilitator of this group I was privy to information about this person's week that he was not coming clean with. So I probed and prompted, and still he stuck to his story.

The rest of the participants took their turn, and now it was time for break. Right before everyone left the room, this above man said "before we go I have to come clean with everyone..." and he did!

What happened next? Did we call him down? Did the group ridicule him? Did we make a mark on his record? Did we shame him? No! To the contrary, many people--myself included--cheered for him and gave him "high 5's, patted him on the back, etc.

Is that how it works in your world? In your family of origin? In your church?
Why is it that in many churches during the "invitation" a dozen verses of "Just as I am" are sung while everyone's heads are bowed. The pastor almost begs repeatedly for the parishioners to come forward and come clean. Why the hesitation? Why the delay? Could it be because churches, families, communities are sending the wrong message about "coming clean"?

"Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot
...

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come."

It occurs to me that coming clean ought to look and feel a little more like it did in that group that night. Where a person can't hold inside what they need to be rid of any longer, and before another minute passes they blurt out what it is that they need to confess. And when they do... what is the response? Shame, alienation, recrimination? How about encouragement, rejoicing, welcoming... invitation to restoration!

Which experience leaves you wanting to stand tall, go forth and come clean and stay clean?

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The only person you can change... is you!

Is that a revelation to any of you? I think at one point in time in my life it was a revelation to me. How much daily energy do we spend trying to overtly or covertly change those around us? A friend, a boyfriend, a family member, a wife? Why? Why do we exert so much of our precious energy trying to change everyone else around us... except for ourselves? How can we take self-responsibility in our own lives and leave the change and growth of others up to those individuals? So many questions. Maybe this article will have some answers.

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (on PsychCentral)

One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.

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But it wasn't my fault!

How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? Be honest now... it could have been some variation on that theme to sugar coat it... but we have all said it! Why do people play the blame game? Here is an excellent article by Keith Ferrazzi on this topic.

Whom do we blame when we fail? The short answer is "everyone but ourselves." Extensive research in psychology (Jones & Harris 1967, Ross 1977) has shown that when we fail, we tend to attribute the cause of our failure to reasons outside of ourselves: The market was weak. The inputs were poor. The weather was bad.

Think about it. When was the last time you failed to complete something on time at work - and why? Most people will list reasons that seem to be completely beyond their control. But now consider the last time a colleague or a subordinate (or family member or friend) failed to deliver on a project. Whom did you blame then? Well, if you're like most people, you blamed the colleague or subordinate.

This phenomenon, dubbed the Fundamental Attribution Error, is a pervasive bias that affects all of us to some degree, but why? Psychologists would argue that in our attempt to preserve our self-respect and self-esteem that we internalize our successes and externalize our failures. In other words, we like to like ourselves! Seems innocent enough, maybe even healthy, right? The problem is when "liking ourselves" turns into complacency, and we stop seeing room for improvement. Clearly there are times when we are to blame for our failures.

So how do we sort through our bias to narrow in on that slippery but useful thing we call "reality?" That's where peers come in. Since they're biased in the opposite way that we are, they're a neat check to our own perspective. That is, if we consistently internalize our successes, others will consistently externalize them, and the reverse with failure. Presto!: We compare notes, and start to get a more nuanced picture of what's contributing to our downfalls - and as importantly, of what'll deliver the most and the richest success.

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Some of "greatest hits" plus Alumni News

Life has been pretty busy for this counselor lately, so I thought I would post a list of some of the more visited posts from the last year and a half.

A heartfelt look at the 5 stages of grieving the loss of a relationship

Relationship red flags

"Boundaries for Beginners"

What are irrational beliefs?

Negative thoughts and self-sabotage

The mystery of "CHANGE"

Effective Conflict Resolution

On Procrastination... Speaking of procrastination... I had better get back to work!

But not before checking to see if anyone out there once attended LaSalle University in Mandeville, LA. If you did, please come check in with an Alumni page on Facebook.

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Negative thoughts and self sabotage

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Are you carrying around some junk? You know, those hurtful and disastrous things that you may have been told by someone during the course of your life. It was supposed to be taken with a grain of salt or simply ignored but most of the times we take that criticism and wear it like a hat of shame! Negative thinking can make all sorts of things incredibly difficult. It is like a leak in your confidence bucket--constantly drip-drip-dripping away your confidence and self esteem.

Negative thinking can be useful to help assess the possible pitfalls in a potential plan of action, but you need to be able to turn it on and off at will. Otherwise, negative thoughts will sabotage your self belief, your confidence and your achievements. Here are some effects of negative thinking:

Sleeping problems
It can become very difficult to get to sleep, because you feel worse at night. There are a number of reasons why. While you’re trying to drop off to sleep, there’s nothing to distract you from the worries that may have been lurking in the background during the day.

Sapping your self-confidence
The more problems you think you have, the less able you may feel to cope with them, and this can increase your sense of helplessness. This reduces your confidence, making you more vulnerable to your fears.

Unhelpful strategies
Under this kind of pressure, it may become very difficult for you to concentrate and carry on with everyday life, so that your problems tend to build up. It’s emotionally draining to feel anxious all the time. It may feel as though your whole life is being taken over by it.

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Research shows that people who receive positive distractions for just eight minutes show a remarkable change in their moods and in breaking the cycle of repetitive thought. So, next time you catch yourself repeating the same negative thoughts over and over in your mind, use the STOP acronym:

1. S - Say the word STOP!

Interrupt your internal destructive thoughts. Tell yourself firmly to “STOP” over thinking. Be strict, and don’t let them intrude on your thoughts. It also might be helpful to visualize a box to place all your negative thoughts in, which you may open at a later date or time.

2. T - TAKE a break!

Take a deep breath. Then, take a break. Go for a walk or a hike, read a great book, listen to your favorite music. Do something to take your attention away from over thinking, and if possible, change the environment.

Also try some relaxation exercises, they often focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This could involve imagining yourself in a new setting, such as a beach, a designer home or a garden. You could visualize your worries as physical objects that can be discarded, such as stones or rocks you could heave into the distance.

Sometimes, doing a relaxation exercise makes people feel quite uncomfortable. You might feel that it’s not working, or that you’re doing it wrong. It’s best to take the attitude that you’re just giving it a go, and that these negative thoughts are normal. Surprisingly, learning to relax takes practice.

3. O - Focus on the OUTCOME!

Focus on the OUTCOME of your goals. Affirm why you are committed to your goals. The way we feel and what we experience in our body comes from what we focus our attention upon during a given moment. And at any moment, we are “deleting” most of what is going on around us. That is, to feel bad, we have to delete (not focus on, not think about) everything that’s great in our life. And vice versa. For us to feel good, we have to delete the things we could feel bad about.

4. P - PRAISE yourself!

PRAISE and acknowledge yourself for the progress you are making. Remember, you’re looking for progress, not perfection! Give yourself a reward every time you’re successful with overcoming negative thoughts. And remember small changes make a big difference.

By recognizing that you do have negative thoughts you’ve taken the first step. Now, start playing “Devil’s Advocate” and challenge yourself to find the positive. Turn your thoughts around and your moods will follow suit.

(This helpful content found at http://ririanproject.com/2007/10/28/here%e2%80%99s-a-quick-way-to-stop-negative-thoughts/)

And remember--our thoughts create our reality!

Breaking Free! Getting UN-stuck...

Why do we stay "stuck" where we are in certain areas of our lives? Why is it that we talk about change, but but just can't seem to put drive behind our desire? This article contains five ideas to help the "shift" (from desire to action) happen, plus much more excellent information. Read on, click below!

read more | digg story



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