There is no solace to be found in the myth of perfection. And yet, so many of us hold up the banner, and pledge allegiance to the myth of perfection.
Is there anything wrong with the pursuit of goodness, excellence, fidelity? Of course not.
However, living in circles that primarily outwardly display the persona of perfection can fill one with the idea that their imperfections are not welcome in the daylight. There is plenty of affirmation that struggles and failures are not welcome out in the open. I speak from the experience of having been raised within Christian circles. You want to know something about amazing grace? The amazing thing is that so many of the ones who take on the name of Christ know so little about extending grace to other humans.
This is not a dissertation for or against religion. This is more of an encouragement for anyone who might still be willing to open up and be appropriately transparent with others around them.
Why?
For the purpose of letting others know that they can make it through hard times. (Some say the only way out is through.) That maybe they don't have to pull up stakes and run and hide to conceal their imperfections and wounds. That they are not simply welcome within a community once they clean themselves up bind up their own woulds and present in front of others with the continued myth of perfection untarnished.
"Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced? Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real? False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light Keep your secrets to yourself It's not about you but them lookin' right No time to be ugly Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears Shout for joy little boys and girls You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too." (John Reuben)
Anyone else out there feel the joys and the pains of being in a relationship? It can be the best thing that ever happened to us, and yet it can also provide some of the biggest challenges in our lives. However, I would like to see those challenges become bridges to greater health, understanding and connecting--rather than become road blocks leading to breakdown of harmony and functioning. There is a lot of good stuff inthe below article. Not all of it will apply to every relationship, as we are all so very different in the ways we relate. But there may just be some helpful pieces that can be taken from the information and used to enhance your relational world. So, take what is useful and leave the rest.
Improving Communication Skills in Relationships
Create a context in which your partner can feel free to share feelings, thoughts, fantasies, hurts, and complaints, without the fear that you will condemn, attack, lecture, or simply withdraw. We tend to be as critical of others as we are of ourselves.
Know that you have a right to your feelings as others have a right to theirs.
Working on a relationship always begins with working on ourselves.
Try not to blame all of the relational problems on your partner.
Remember, you only have control over changing yourself, not others, and the temptation is to blame others for our problems.
Don't rush yourself into sharing emotionally painful information.
Sometimes it's best to write out your concerns in private then share them with your partner at a later time.
The Sentence-Completion method can help. Set aside a block of time when you and your partner can talk and after obtaining agreement, do the following exercise. Practice now with your partner...
Both of you should take turns completing the following statements on communication:
Communication to me means ...
The hard thing about intimate communication is ...
Sometimes I withdraw from communication when ...
It is also beneficial to complete the following statements on self-disclosure:
I am a person who ...
One of the things I'd like people to know about me is ...
When I try to talk about things that are important to me...
When I try to express intimate feelings ...
If I were more open about expressing my feelings and opinions ...
When people try to talk with me, sometimes I ...
Further it is useful to explore obstacles to communication by completing these statements:
If I weren't concerned about the listener's response ...
Sometimes I become blocked when ...
One of the ways I sometimes make it difficult for people to talk to me is ...
Miscommunication - Root Cause of Problems?
People with opposing ideas can soon stir up arguments and fights. It's that situation when one thinks he has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion. Both of them may try to outsmart each other until one claims victory.
There's a conflict with their beliefs. No two people are exactly alike. We are totally unique; not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
There will be many times when your opinion will not correspond with that of another. So how can we prevent this kind of conflict from occurring? Communication is the key to overcoming doubts and misunderstandings. You should let other people know what's in your mind. Don't keep them guessing.
Why would people prefer to keep their complaints and criticisms to themselves? What's holding them back? It's because they do not want to be rejected. Most, people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.
So can you get your message across without hurting the other person's feelings? One thing you can do is to substitute negative statements with more positive ones.
Instead of saying, "You don't understand," say "Let me explain."
Instead of remarking, "You're wrong," say "Permit me to clarify."
Instead of stating, "You failed to say..." just mention, "Perhaps this was not stated..."
There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning. Nothing is more pleasing than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions.
You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first. Say something like:
"You're right, although..."
"Great suggestion, however..."
"I agree with your opinion, but have you also considered..."
"I would feel the same way if I were you, although..."
"I understand your situation. From my point of view..."
Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone's advantage.
Think first before you speak. Many relationships have been ruined by the wrong choice of words. Some people voice out anything that comes to their mind, without first filtering the good words from the bad ones. This might result in misunderstandings and arguments, which could have easily been prevented if we had spoken in a way that was neutral and non-offensive, even empathic.
Words are very powerful indeed. Use them responsibly for the benefit of all.
Personal relationships deteriorate when what is needed and wanted is not expressed; the resulting frustrations build up and result in increasing anxiety and upset. This is particularly likely to occur with sexual relationships, when problems or disagreements about sexual issues are not discussed openly and honestly. If this is the case in your personal life, then here's how to go about improving matters.
Note: this is an exercise to do with your sexual partner. Of course, many of the principles apply equally to any sensitive issue.
Break The Ice
Talk with your partner about why it's hard to talk about sex.
Share earlier experiences with talking about sex.
Gradually move toward discussing more personal feelings and concerns.
Read and discuss material if it seems easier than spontaneously talking about personal matters.
Share your sexual histories including such areas as sex education, first experience with sexuality, etc.
Listen and Provide Feedback
Active listening helps to show you are interested in what your partner is saying. Ask questions and make brief comments to help increase your understanding of what is being said.
Maintaining eye contact displays caring and validation.
Reflect back to your partner what you have understood them to say. This conveys active listening and an interest in understanding.
Be supportive of your partner's efforts to communicate.
A statement of appreciation or thanks can go a long way to strengthening a relationship.
Express "unconditional positive regard." Convey the sense that you will value your partner regardless of what they communicate to you.
Discover Your Partner's Needs
Ask open-ended, clarifying and extending questions to gain the most information about your companion's desires. Your partner will probably appreciate your concern.
If the subject you are interested in is particularly sensitive, try self- disclosing first. Self-disclosure will model trust and a willingness to take risks.
Compare notes on sexual preferences. This can be an effective way of learning about what does and doesn't stimulate your partner, and is certainly more efficient than trial and error.
Give your partner permission to talk about his/her feelings.
Learn To Make Requests
Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Realize that people are not mind readers and genuinely communicate your needs and desires.
Make requests specific. This will increase the chance that your wishes will be understood and granted.
Use "I" language. Although it is sometimes difficult to personalize requests, it is often the best means of getting a positive response.
Delivering Criticism
Be aware of your motivation. Is it based on a constructive desire to make your relationship better?
Choose the right time and place. Try not to be critical when anger is at it's peak. Give your partner a choice about when he/she would like to talk. Be aware of your partner's needs when choosing a location.
Temper criticism with praise. This will reduce the likelihood of your partner responding in a defensive or angry fashion, and increase the chances of him/her accepting what you have to say.
Nurture small steps toward change. Be generous with your support and encouragement of change. Realize that it is normal to revert back to comfortable patterns which have developed over time, so don't be too discouraged if there is some backsliding.
Avoid "why" questions. They tend to be perceived as attacking and hurtful. Better to say 'I don't understand...'
Express your anger appropriately. Direct your anger toward your partner's behaviors, not his/her character. Don't forget to remind your partner that you appreciate them as a person. Take responsibility for your anger.
Your partner cannot make you feel angry; you choose to respond that way.
From "Family Corner.com"--here are some really important keys to making sure you really hear what your loved ones (or anyone you interact with really) are telling you.
"One of the most important skills that you need in any and all of these relationships is listening. Better listening skills will allow you to create a more harmonious relationship where respect and cooperation are more likely to occur. How well do I really listen to others? How well do I listen to myself? Can I be still and quiet enough to really listen? Or do I feel restless when there is silence and so I start talking right away?
Listen with concern and a desire to understand. Do not pretend to be listening or give only part of your attention if you are distracted. If you need and it is possible, ask the person to wait until you can be more attentive.
Let the other person talk without interrupting. Avoid quickly giving advice interrupting or making assumptions as to what you think they are going to say. Pause and breathe staying present and silent until he/she is finished.
Do not prepare your answer while they are talking. Try to stay only in the listening mode. Once you have all the information you will be more prepared to respond.
Do not engage in selective listening. Listen to the words, facts and overall content of the person's story. Do not just pay attention to what you find interesting.
While you are listening observe their facial expressions, gestures, eye movement and body posture.This will give you information as to what they might be feeling about their conversation, more information to help you understand.
The second part of the skill is learning to reflect back what you heard the person saying. Paraphrasing and repeating back what you heard allows the person to know you have been listening. It keeps clarity in conversation and allows for overall better communication. This is also a skill that requires some practice. Here are a few tips.
Try to briefly summarize what you heard them say and repeat it back to them.
Ask them if this is what they were trying to tell you. If not, try again to summarize or ask them to repeat part of what you did not understand.
Do not immediately respond with your belief, opinion or advice before you have clarified their position. Only give advice if they are asking for it.
Use empathy in your response instead of being judgmental. Be neutral and clarify what you heard their feelings, thoughts or opinions to be. Do not yell, argue or criticize. Ask more questions. Try asking why, when, where or who questions. This gives you more information.
Determine what they need from you. Would they like you just to listen and say nothing, give feedback, provide advice, help them problem solve a situation? Of course, if you are talking to young children, you may have to interrupt this yourself and offer what your intuition feels they need.
Make a note of the new interaction and compare it with your old way of listening or not listening. Observe their manner- are they calmer, more appreciative? What do you notice?
We all have a need to be listened to and understood."
Reviewed by: John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (from Psych Central)
A good marital fight appears to have beneficial health effects. The finding comes from a study that discovered couples who suppress their anger when one attacks the other, die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict.
University of Michigan researchers looked at 192 couples over 17 years and placed the couples into one of four categories: both partners communicate their anger; in the second and third groups one spouse expresses while the other suppresses; and both the husband and wife suppress their anger and brood, said Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus with the U-M School of Public Health and the Psychology Department, and lead author.
The study is a longitudinal analysis of couples in Tecumseh, Mich.
“Comparison between couples in which both people suppress their anger, and the three other types of couples, are very intriguing,” Harburg said.
When both spouses suppress their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types.
“When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict,” Harburg said. “Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that’s fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?”
“When you don’t, if you bury your anger, and you brood on it and you resent the other person or the attacker, and you don’t try to resolve the problem, then you’re in trouble.”
Of the 192 couples studied, 26 pairs both suppressed their anger and there were 13 deaths in that group. In the remaining 166 pairs, there were 41 deaths combined.
In 27 percent of those couples who both suppressed their anger, one member of the couple died during the study period, and in 23 percent of those couples both died during the study period.
That’s compared to only six percent of couples where both spouses died in the remaining three groups combined. Only 19 percent in the remaining three groups combined saw one partner die during the study period.
The study adjusted for age, smoking, weight, blood pressure, bronchial problems, breathing, and cardiovascular risk, Harburg said.
The paper only looks at attacks which are considered unfair or undeserved by the person being attacked, said Harburg. If the attack is viewed as fair, say an abused child or woman who believes they deserved the attack, then the victim does not get angry, Harburg said.
Harburg stresses that these preliminary numbers are small, but the researchers are now collecting 30-year follow-up data, which will have almost double the death rate, he said.
Effective Conflict Resolution: What Kind of "Fighter" Are You? Do You...?
Avoid conflict at all costs?
Feel that any criticism or disagreement is an attack on you?
Hit "below the belt" and regret it later?
Feel "out of control" when conflict arises?
Withdraw and become silent when you're angry?
Store up complaints from the distant past?
At one time or another, most of us have done one or more of these things. That's because in most relationships, conflict inevitably arises, and for many of us it creates significant discomfort. But conflict, if handled appropriately, can actually strengthen relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When handled badly, conflict can result in broken friendships, ended relationships, and long-simmering feuds.
What Causes Conflict?
Conflict can arise whenever people - whether close friends, family members, co-workers, or romantic partners - disagree about their perceptions, desires, ideas, or values.
Anger and Conflict
Disagreements can lead to people feeling angry or hurt, and for many people, feeling hurt is a position of vulnerability. People generally feel less in control when they are hurt, and they may move into feeling angry as a way of feeling less vulnerable or more "powerful." Feeling angry isn't necessarily a problem if that anger is handled constructively; however, problems with anger are often worsened by common beliefs that are not necessarily true. Anger is a normal human emotion, just as normal (and healthy) as joy, happiness, and sadness.
Conflict Styles: "Mad Bomber," "Smolderer," or Somewhere in Between?
Because many people never learned to manage anger constructively, it's very common to handle it in inappropriate ways. The "Mad Bomber" gets angry easily and expresses it, but with little control. At the other end of the spectrum, the "Smolderer" stores up complaints but doesn't express them directly. Instead, "smolderers" may seethe inwardly and act out angry feelings in passive ways. To the Rescue... Fair Fighting!!!
Fair fighting is a way to manage conflict and associated feelings effectively. To fight fairly, you need to follow some basic guidelines to help keep your disagreements from becoming entrenched or destructive. This may be difficult when you think another's point of view is silly, irrational, or just plain unfair. But remember, he or she may think the same thing about your ideas.
Fair Fighting: Ground rules...
Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.
Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.
Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.
Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.
No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.
Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.
Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.
Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.
Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, resolution becomes much more likely.
Fair Fighting: Step by Step...
To make the Fair Fighting ground rules effective in resolving a specific conflict, use the following steps:
Step one: Before you begin, ask yourself, "What exactly is bothering me? What do I want the other person to do or not do? Are my feelings in proportion to the issue?"
Step two: Know what your goals are before you begin. What are the possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you?
Step three: Remember that the idea is not to "win" but to come to a mutually satisfying and peaceful solution to the problem.
Step four: Set a time for a discussion with your partner-in-conflict. It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons. Springing something when another is unprepared may leave the other person feeling that he or she has to fend off an attack. If you encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person see that the problem is important to you.
Step five: State the problem clearly. At first, try to stick to the facts; then, once you've stated the facts, state your feelings. Use "I" messages to describe feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment. Avoid "you" messages such as "you make me angry...."
Step six: Invite your partner-in-conflict to share his or her point of view, and use active listening skills. Be careful not to interrupt, and genuinely try to hear his or her concerns and feelings. If it seems helpful, try to restate what you have heard in a way that lets your partner know you have fully understood, and ask your partner to do the same for you.
Step seven: Try to take the other's perspective - that is, try to see the problem through his or her eyes. The "opposing" viewpoint can make sense even if you don't agree.
Step eight: Propose specific solutions, and invite the other person to propose solutions, too.
Step nine: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal.
Step ten: Be ready for some compromise. Allowing the other person only one course of action will likely hinder resolution. When there is agreement on a proposal for change, celebrate! Set a trial period for the new behavior. At the end of the trial period, you can discuss the possibility of modifying or continuing the change. If no solution has been reached regarding the original problem, schedule a time to begin the discussion again.
Conflict is a normal, inevitable, and even healthy aspect of most relationships. When managed well, it can be used to enhance and strengthen relationships with friends, family members, co-workers, and romantic partners. Fair fighting provides the tools and techniques to help you achieve positive results when problems arise.
This is not a dissertation for or against religion. This is more of an encouragement for anyone who might still be willing to open up and be appropriately transparent with others around them.
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