I found this excellent article written by Cynthia McKenna at http://www.counseling.typepad.com/
When we want a relationship to work, it is normal to try to overlook faults and habits that annoy us, because after all, we all have flaws.
I have met many people, women and men, who are in a lot of emotional pain because they have "tried to overlook" a problem in the name of trying to get along. So how are you supposed to know what is okay and what is not?
Here are 5 tips to help you identify true red flags:
1. If the issue or problem violates who you are or your core values - do not overlook this.
2. If the problem puts you in emotional or physical danger, do not ignore it.
3. If the issue puts your children at risk, you have to take action. I am not just talking about the risk of abuse or neglect - both terribly important issues and hopefully the need for action is clear. I am also talking about risk of your children losing their self-esteem. Sometimes, adults can act in ways that damage children's spirits - their souls. Even if your child says he or she is "okay" and has "forgiven" the transgression, it is a parent's job to protect their children. People do make mistakes, but if your son or daughter is consistently picked-on by adults or siblings, it is your responsibility to notice and help resolve the situation.
4. If there are addictions that are not being treated or addressed through counseling or 12-step programs, trouble is ahead. Addictions develop because there is deep pain. The person with the pain tries to cover it up with drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, etc. Sometimes, this covering-up is a conscious decision, sometimes it is not. However, all addictive behavior should be a red flag.
5. If your intuition tells you that something is wrong or even if you get the sense that things, "aren't right," you should listen to your internal wisdom. Intuition is truly a gift, an internal way of knowing what is good and what is not - we do ourselves a huge favor by listening to our own inner-knowing.
and a bonus tip :)
6. If you are waiting and hoping that the person will change, you might have a long wait. No one likes to change, and change frequently requires great effort and focus. It is reasonable to ask yourself, "What if this behavior does NOT change, am I willing to live with it for the next 20 years?"
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Without A Net
Without a Net: Living Life With Trust (http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/10605.html)
"As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.
If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.
We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.
When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way."
"As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.
If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.
We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.
When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way."
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