Saturday, December 22, 2007

What are irrational beliefs?

What are irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs are:
  • Messages about life we send to ourselves that keep us from growing emotionally.
  • Scripts we have in our head about how we believe life "should'' be for us and for others.
  • Unfounded attitudes, opinions, and values we hold to that are out of synchrony with the way the world really is.
  • Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.
  • Stereotypic ways of problem solving we fall into in order to deal with life's pressures.
  • Ideas, feelings, beliefs, ways of thinking, attitudes, opinions, biases, prejudices, or values with which we were raised. We have become accustomed to using them when faced with problems in our current life, even when they are not productive in helping us reach a positive, growth-enhancing solution.
  • Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.
  • Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.
  • Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.
  • Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
  • Overly optimistic or idealistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
  • Emotional arguments for taking or not taking action in the face of a challenge. When followed they result in no personal gain, but rather in greater personal hardship or loss.
  • Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.
  • Ways of thinking about ourselves that are out of context with the real facts, resulting in our either under-valuing or over-valuing ourselves.
  • Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.
  • Lifelong messages sent to us either formally or informally by: society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, neighborhood, church, social networks, family, relatives, peer group, school, work, or parents. They are unproductive in solving our current problem or crisis, but we are either unwilling or unable to let go of them. These messages can be very clear to us or they can be hidden in our subconscious.
  • Conclusions about life that we have developed over time, living in an irrational environment not identified as being irrational (e.g., beliefs developed as a member of a high-stress family).
  • Standards by which we were reared and from which we learned how to act, what to believe, and how to express or experience feelings. When followed, however, these standards do not result in a satisfactory resolution of our current problems.
  • Unproductive, unrealistic expectations exacted on ourselves and/or others, guaranteed to be unattainable and to result in continuing negative self-concepts.
What are some examples of irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs (negative) about self:
  • I do not deserve positive attention from others.
  • I should never burden others with my problems or fears.
  • I am junk.
  • I am uncreative, nonproductive, ineffective, and untalented.
  • I am worthless.
  • I am the worst example on earth of a person.
  • I am powerless to solve my problems.
  • I have so many problems, I might as well give up right now.
  • I am so dumb about things, I can never solve anything as complex as this.
  • I am the ugliest, most unattractive, unappealing, fat slob in the world.
Irrational beliefs (negative) about others:
  • No one cares about anyone else.
  • All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted.
  • Successful relationships are a trick; you have no control over how they turn out.
  • People are out to get whatever they can from you; you always end up being used.
  • People are so opinionated; they are never willing to listen to other's points of view.
  • You are bound to get hurt in a relationship; it makes no difference how you try to change it.
  • There is a loser in every fight, so avoid fights at all costs.
  • All people are out for #1; you need to know you'll always be #2, no matter what.
  • It's not who you are but what you do that makes you attractive to another person.
  • What counts in life is others' opinions of you.
  • There is a need to be on guard in dealing with others to insure that you don't get hurt.
Irrational beliefs on other topics
  • There is only one way of doing things.
  • Work is the punishment man must endure for being human.
  • A family that plays (prays) together always stays together.
  • Always protecting against the forces of evil in life is the only way to live.
  • There are always two choices: right or wrong; black or white; win or lose; pass or fail; grow or stagnate.
  • Once you are married and have children, you join the normal human race.
  • A handicapped person is imperfect, to be pitied, and to be dropped along the path of life.
  • Admitting to a mistake or to failure is a sign of weakness.
  • The showing of any kind of emotion is wrong, a sign of weakness, and not allowable.
  • Asking for help from someone else is a way of admitting your weakness; it denies the reality that only you can solve your problems.
How can we recognize irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs can be present if we:
  • Find ourselves caught up in a vicious cycle in addressing our problems.
  • Find a continuing series of "catch 22's'' where every move we make to resolve a problem results in more or greater problems.
  • Have been suffering silently (or not so silently) with a problem for a long time, yet have not taken steps to get help to address the problem.
  • Have decided on a creative problem solving solution, yet find ourselves incapable of implementing the solution.
  • Have chosen a problem solving course of action to pursue and find that we are unhappy with this course of action; yet we choose to avoid looking for alternatives.
  • Are afraid of pursuing a certain course of action because of the guilt we will feel if we do it.
  • Find we are constantly obsessed with a problem yet take no steps to resolve it.
  • Find we are immobilized in the face of our problems.
  • Find that the only way to deal with problems is to avoid them, deny them, procrastinate about them, ignore them, run away from them, turn our back on them.
  • Find that we can argue both sides of our problem, becoming unable to make a decision.
  • What are the benefits of refuting our irrational beliefs?
  • By refuting our irrational beliefs we are able to:
  • Unblock our emotions and feelings about ourselves and our problems.
  • Become productive, realistic problem solvers.
  • Gain greater credibility with ourselves and others.
  • Gain clarity, purpose, and intention in addressing our current problems.
  • Reduce the fear of guilt or of hurting others in solving problems.
  • Identify the barriers and obstacles that must first be hurdled before our problems can be resolved.
  • Come to greater honesty about ourselves and our problems.
  • Put our problem into a realistic perspective as to its importance, magnitude, and probability of being solved.
  • Separate our feelings from the content of the problem.
  • Live richer, more authentic lives.
  • View our lives in a healthier perspective, with greater meaning and direction.
  • Gain our sense of humor in the presence of our problems and in their resolution.
  • Recognize our self-worth and self-goodness and separate it from the errors and mistakes we have made in our lives.
  • Forgive ourselves and others for mistakes made.
  • Give ourselves and others kindness, tenderness, and understanding during times of great stress.
  • Gain a sense of purpose and order in our lives as we solve problems.
  • Feel productive as we labor through the muck and mire of our problems.
  • Respect our rights and the rights of others as we solve problems.
  • Clarify our feelings about the behavior of others without the barrier of self-censorship or fear of rejection.
  • Gain a "win-win'' solution to problems, which involves ourselves with others. It opens us up to compromise.
Steps to take in refuting an irrational belief:
Step 1: Is your thinking and problem solving ability being blocked by an irrational belief? Consider a specific problem as you answer the following questions:

1. Am I going in circles in trying to solve this problem?
2. Is there something inside of me that is preventing or keeping me from taking the necessary actions in this matter?
3. Am I bothered by the thoughts of what I or others "should do, act like, think, or feel'' in this situation?
4. Do I find myself saying how this situation "should be," having a hard time facing it the way it really is?
5. Do I use fantasy or magical thinking in looking at this problem? Am I always hoping that by some miracle it will go away?
6. Am I burdened by the fear of what others think of me as I work on this problem?
7. Do I know what the solution is, but become paralyzed in its implementation?
8. Do I find myself using a lot of "yes but's'' in discussing this problem?
9. Do I find it easier to procrastinate, avoid, divert my attention, ignore, or run away from this problem?
10. Is this problem causing much distress and discomfort for me and/or others, and yet I remain stumped in trying to resolve it?

Step 2: If you have answered yes to any or all of the questions in Step 1, you are probably facing a problem or situation in which a blocking irrational belief is clouding your thinking. The next thing to do is to try to identify the blocking irrational belief.
Answer the following questions:

11. Is the blocking belief something I have believed in all my life?
12. Is the blocking belief coming from the teachings of my parents, church, family, peers, work, society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, or social network?
13. Is the blocking belief something that always recurs when I am trying to solve problems similar to this one?
14. Is the blocking belief something that has helped me solve problems successfully in the past?
15. Is the blocking belief one that tends to make me dishonest with myself about this problem?
16. Is the blocking belief an immobilizing concept that sparks fear of guilt or fear of rejection in my mind as I face this problem?
17. Is the blocking belief something that can be stated in a sentence or two?
18. Is the blocking belief a consistent statement as I face this problem, or does it tend to change as variables of this problem become more clear to me?
19. Is the blocking belief a tangible statement of belief or is it simply a feeling or intuition?
20. Can I state the blocking belief? If so, write it in your journal: My blocking belief is:

Step 3: Once you have identified the blocking belief in Step 2, test its rationality. Answer the following questions about the belief, ''yes'' or ''no.''

1. Is there any basis in reality to support this belief as always being true?
2. Does this belief encourage personal growth, emotional maturity, independence of thinking and action, and stable mental health?
3. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will help you overcome this or future problems in your life?
4. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will result in behavior that is self defeating for you?
5. Does this belief protect you and your rights as a person?
6. Does this belief assist you in connecting honestly and openly with others so that healthy, growth engendering interpersonal relationships result?
7. Does this belief assist you in being a creative, rational problem solver who is able to identify a series of alternatives from which you can choose your own personal priority solutions?
8. Does this belief stifle your thinking and problem solving ability to the point of immobilization?
9. When you tell others of this belief do they support you because that is the way everyone in your family, peer group, work, church, or community thinks?
10. Is this belief an absolute? Is it a black or white, yes or no, win or lose, no options in the middle type of belief?

Healthy answers are:
1-no 2-yes 3-yes 4-no 5-yes 6-yes 7-yes 8-no 9-no 10-no

If you are unable to give healthy answers to one or more question in Step 2, then your blocking belief is most likely irrational.

Step 4: Once you have determined that the blocking belief is irrational, you are ready to refute this irrational belief. Respond to the following questions:

1. How do I consistently feel when I think of this belief?
2. Is there anything in reality to support this belief as being true?
3. What in reality supports the lack of absolute truth in this belief?
4. Does the truth of this belief exist only in the way I talk, act, or feel about this problem?
5. What is the worst thing that could happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
6. What positive things might happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
7. What would be an appropriate, realistic belief I could substitute for this irrational belief?
8. How would I feel if I substituted this new belief for my blocking belief?
9. How will I grow and how will my rights and the rights of others be protected by this substitute belief?
10. What is keeping me from accepting this alternate belief?
11. Once you have answered these questions, substitute a rational belief and act on it.

Wisdom discovered at

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

When does it become abuse?

When do behaviors become abusive? Oregon uses the term "battering." What is battering? Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. Battering is a pattern of living in which one person (usually the man) uses violence or other abusive behavior to control and maintain power over a partner or other family members. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

For purposes of OAR 137-087-0000 through 137-087-0100, the following terms have the meanings set forth below.
(1)"Batterer" means:
(a) An adult male 18 years of age or older who engages in "battering" against women; or
(b) A male minor criminally convicted as an adult of conduct against women that constitutes "battering" in whole or in part.
(2)"Battering" includes but is not limited to physical violence, sexual violence, threats, isolation, emotional and psychological intimidation, verbal abuse, stalking, economic abuse, or other controlling behaviors against women in, but not limited to, the following relationships:
(a) A current or former spouse of the batterer;
(b) An unmarried parent of a child fathered by the batterer;
(c) A woman who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the batterer;
(d) A woman who has been involved in a sexually intimate relationship with the batterer within the past two years;
(e) A woman who has a dating relationship with the batterer;
(f) An adult woman related by blood, marriage or adoption to the batterer; or
(g) A woman who relies on the batterer for ongoing personal care assistance.
"Battering" may or may not violate criminal law and in most instances is patterned behavior.
(10) "Victim" means a female, including a past or present partner, subjected to battering. A victim may be under the age of 18. In no event shall the batterer be considered a victim for purposes of these rules.

Victims of abuse may experience punched walls, control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed (

Below are more specifics about the many forms of "Battering":

Physical Abuse:
Shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, tripping, choking, raping, burning, shooting, stabbing, hair-pulling, arm-twisting, physical restraint, physical confinement.

That first category is primarily what people think of when they hear the word "abusive" or "battering. " But the below categories are also battering, and in many ways, more devastating than the overt physical abuse.

Spiritual Abuse:
Selectively using scripture to change or enforce behavior. Intentionally misusing scripture to force compliance. Ridiculing another’s beliefs. Spiritually putting one’s self above another. Using religious beliefs as the authority behind threats and punishment.

Emotional Abuse:
Criticizing her, shouting at her, swearing at her, putting down her opinions, blaming or shaming her, making her think she's crazy, making her feel stupid, treating her like a servant, accusing her unjustly, embarrassing her, withholding encouragement or affection, bringing up past mistakes, flirting openly, not discussing events that damage the relationship.

Economic Abuse:
Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job, keep her from furthering her education, making her ask for money, taking any money she earns, withholding child support, not letting her know about or have access to family income, not including her in the financial decision for the family.

Creating fear by using threatening looks or gestures, bullying her by using a loud voice, scaring her by breaking glass, breaking the dishes, kicking a door, destroying her possessions (property abuse-which sends the message “it could have been you”), displaying a weapon, angrily rushing toward her during an argument. Stalking.

Controlling what she does, whom she sees, whom she talks to, what she reads or where she goes; refusing to let her see family or friends; monitoring her phone calls, mileage, clothing or make-up; hiding the car keys so she cannot leave.

Sexual Abuse:
Making her perform sexual acts against her will, attacking the sexual parts of her body, treating her as if she were an object only for sex, forcing her to view pornography, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after violence or abuse, harassing her for sexual acts that she objects to performing.

Using the Children:
Harming or threatening to harm the children, using visitation or custody to harass her, threatening to take the children away, putting the children in the middle.

Making Threats:
Threatening to hurt her, threatening to destroy her belongings if she leaves, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to report her to police, welfare, etc.

All of these are tools used by the batterer to achieve and maintain power and control over others. The only way for the a person to change their abusive patters if to become accountable and self-responsible, realizing and internalizing that they cannot control another-they can only control themselves.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

But giving up would cost me everything

Invaluable reminders in this lyric of how important it is to hang on and hope even when we want to give up...

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say,
Even when He is silent,

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe. "

The above lyrics "I Believe in Love" by BarlowGirl, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.