When does it become abuse?

When do behaviors become abusive? Oregon uses the term "battering." What is battering? Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. Battering is a pattern of living in which one person (usually the man) uses violence or other abusive behavior to control and maintain power over a partner or other family members. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

For purposes of OAR 137-087-0000 through 137-087-0100, the following terms have the meanings set forth below.
(1)"Batterer" means:
(a) An adult male 18 years of age or older who engages in "battering" against women; or
(b) A male minor criminally convicted as an adult of conduct against women that constitutes "battering" in whole or in part.
(2)"Battering" includes but is not limited to physical violence, sexual violence, threats, isolation, emotional and psychological intimidation, verbal abuse, stalking, economic abuse, or other controlling behaviors against women in, but not limited to, the following relationships:
(a) A current or former spouse of the batterer;
(b) An unmarried parent of a child fathered by the batterer;
(c) A woman who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the batterer;
(d) A woman who has been involved in a sexually intimate relationship with the batterer within the past two years;
(e) A woman who has a dating relationship with the batterer;
(f) An adult woman related by blood, marriage or adoption to the batterer; or
(g) A woman who relies on the batterer for ongoing personal care assistance.
"Battering" may or may not violate criminal law and in most instances is patterned behavior.
(10) "Victim" means a female, including a past or present partner, subjected to battering. A victim may be under the age of 18. In no event shall the batterer be considered a victim for purposes of these rules.

Victims of abuse may experience punched walls, control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed (ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem_100.html).

Below are more specifics about the many forms of "Battering":

Physical Abuse:
Shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, tripping, choking, raping, burning, shooting, stabbing, hair-pulling, arm-twisting, physical restraint, physical confinement.

That first category is primarily what people think of when they hear the word "abusive" or "battering. " But the below categories are also battering, and in many ways, more devastating than the overt physical abuse.

Spiritual Abuse:
Selectively using scripture to change or enforce behavior. Intentionally misusing scripture to force compliance. Ridiculing another’s beliefs. Spiritually putting one’s self above another. Using religious beliefs as the authority behind threats and punishment.

Emotional Abuse:
Criticizing her, shouting at her, swearing at her, putting down her opinions, blaming or shaming her, making her think she's crazy, making her feel stupid, treating her like a servant, accusing her unjustly, embarrassing her, withholding encouragement or affection, bringing up past mistakes, flirting openly, not discussing events that damage the relationship.

Economic Abuse:
Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job, keep her from furthering her education, making her ask for money, taking any money she earns, withholding child support, not letting her know about or have access to family income, not including her in the financial decision for the family.

Intimidation:
Creating fear by using threatening looks or gestures, bullying her by using a loud voice, scaring her by breaking glass, breaking the dishes, kicking a door, destroying her possessions (property abuse-which sends the message “it could have been you”), displaying a weapon, angrily rushing toward her during an argument. Stalking.

Isolation:
Controlling what she does, whom she sees, whom she talks to, what she reads or where she goes; refusing to let her see family or friends; monitoring her phone calls, mileage, clothing or make-up; hiding the car keys so she cannot leave.

Sexual Abuse:
Making her perform sexual acts against her will, attacking the sexual parts of her body, treating her as if she were an object only for sex, forcing her to view pornography, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after violence or abuse, harassing her for sexual acts that she objects to performing.

Using the Children:
Harming or threatening to harm the children, using visitation or custody to harass her, threatening to take the children away, putting the children in the middle.

Making Threats:
Threatening to hurt her, threatening to destroy her belongings if she leaves, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to report her to police, welfare, etc.

All of these are tools used by the batterer to achieve and maintain power and control over others. The only way for the a person to change their abusive patters if to become accountable and self-responsible, realizing and internalizing that they cannot control another-they can only control themselves.


mental health