Relationship Counseling: Does It Work?

By Coulson Duerksen

Everyone knows that having excellent relationship communication is vital to your relationship. In many forms of relationship counseling, relationship counselors will bring up relationship communication as part of relationship counseling. Since statistics show that 60 percent of marriages end in divorce, one reason may be that many couples don't seek relationship counseling until it's too late. Most people who have tried relationship counseling believe it works, and couples who have split often say they wish they had tried relationship counseling first to help improve their relationship communication.

"Most people realize that getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem because half the problem is yours," says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don't Break Up (Adams Media Corporation, 1999). "You can walk out on your marriage, but you can't run away from yourself — no matter how hard you try," she says.

One of the biggest challenges for most couples is learning how to stop blaming each other so that they can work through the troubled times without the power struggles. Relationship counseling offers a safe haven for couples to express their needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict.

"More relationships break up because people don't know how to validate each other," says Dr. Eaker Weil. But with the right counseling and a little practice, couples can learn the skills to save their relationships.

A Conscious Approach to Relationship Counseling
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D, authors of The Conscious Heart: Seven Soul-Choices That Inspire Creative Partnership (Bantam, 1999) and Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Bantam, 1992), have worked with thousands of couples over the past two decades. They're the first to acknowledge that success depends upon a number of factors, including the approach.

The Hendrickses take a "whole-body" learning approach. They look for the physical "dance" that's going on between partners, and ask couples to notice what's going on in their bodies. Is there tension? If so, where? Is their breathing shallow? By identifying actual body sensations, such as "my heart is racing," people accomplish two things: 1) They change their state of consciousness, and 2) begin to communicate on a level that is unarguable. Communicating in a way that is unarguable is the most valuable skill you can learn, according to Kathlyn Hendricks, because it allows you to communicate without blame. "Identifying body sensations is the foundation for identifying how we create (and resolve) conflict," she says.

Relationship Counseling: Something for Everyone
The Hendricks's method is not for everyone because it means that each partner has to take 100 percent responsibility for their experience in the relationship. But with the overwhelming number of approaches to relationship counseling available, just about everyone can find one that works for them.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Bantam, 1998) and The Wisdom of Menopause (Bantam, 2003), has tried and recommends the Hendricks's approach to relationship counseling. "I am a big fan of marriage," she says. "I think everyone can use a little help with beliefs and behaviors when it comes to relationships." Although divorced, Dr. Northrup advocates doing all you can to make your marriage work, unless it's a physically, psychologically or emotionally abusive relationship. If so, you need help, not relationship counseling. Organizations such as Family Crisis (1-800-537-6066) are available 24 hours a day.

Dr. Northrup also recommends Michele Weiner-Davis's approach to relationship counseling, along with her book, Getting Through to The Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide For Women (Golden Books Pub. Co., 1999), and Dr. Phil McGraw's approach, which is outlined in his book Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner (Hyperion, 2000).

Weiner-Davis, an internationally renowned relationship expert and psychotherapist, has said that everything a woman needs to know about changing her man can be learned from a good dog-training manual. Weiner-Davis, who only counsels women, teaches skills to help women create the type of relationships they want.

Dr. Phil, a psychologist, takes a more confrontational approach to stopping the "blame cycle" by asking couples to decide to be happy, not right. His seven steps involve: Defining what's "wrong" with you and your relationship; ridding yourself of "wrong" thinking; switching from negative thoughts/behaviors to positive thoughts/behavior; internalizing new personal relationship values; developing a winning "relationship formula"; reconnecting with your partner; and learning to maintain your relationship.

With all the help available today, most experts agree: There's no reason to resign yourself to a bad relationship.

found at: http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/relationshipcounseling_02.html

Time to breathe in and let everything out

The official lyrics aren't posted anywhere at this time to this upcoming release by Sanctus Real (due out Feb. 08), but you can listen to the entire song and part of the interview on the Air1 Morning Show page - click on "Interviews" (Sanctus Real - Oct 07). 10/29/07
Air1 Morning Show--http://www.air1.com/Connect/MorningShow.aspx

Working title: "whatever you're doing"
By Sanctus Real

"It's time for healing
Time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.
Time to make right
What has been wrong,
It's time to find my way to where I belong.
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can’t see
But I’m giving in to something heavenly.

Its time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will?
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
Oh, show me what it is you want from me…
I'd give everything… I surrender…

To whatever you're doing
Inside of me
Oh it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly…
Something heavenly.

It's time to face up,
Clean this old house,
time to breathe in and let everything out…
…that I've wanted to say for so many years,
time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
Oh it feels like chaos but I believe,
That you're up to something bigger than me…
Larger than life…
something heavenly.

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
But now I can see,
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly…
Something heavenly.

Its time to face up,
Clean this old house,
Time to breathe in and let everything out…"



The above lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD (once it comes out) to support the artist.
selah

music therapy

What are irrational beliefs?

What are irrational beliefs?

Irrational beliefs are:

• Messages about life we send to ourselves that keep us from growing emotionally.
• Scripts we have in our head about how we believe life "should'' be for us and for others.
• Unfounded attitudes, opinions, and values we hold to that are out of synchrony with the way the world really is.
• Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.
• Stereotypic ways of problem solving we fall into in order to deal with life's pressures.
• Ideas, feelings, beliefs, ways of thinking, attitudes, opinions, biases, prejudices, or values with which we were raised. We have become accustomed to using them when faced with problems in our current life, even when they are not productive in helping us reach a positive, growth-enhancing solution.
• Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.
• Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.
• Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.
• Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
• Overly optimistic or idealistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
• Emotional arguments for taking or not taking action in the face of a challenge. When followed they result in no personal gain, but rather in greater personal hardship or loss.
• Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.
• Ways of thinking about ourselves that are out of context with the real facts, resulting in our either under-valuing or over-valuing ourselves.
• Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.
• Lifelong messages sent to us either formally or informally by: society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, neighborhood, church, social networks, family, relatives, peer group, school, work, or parents. They are unproductive in solving our current problem or crisis, but we are either unwilling or unable to let go of them. These messages can be very clear to us or they can be hidden in our subconscious.
• Conclusions about life that we have developed over time, living in an irrational environment not identified as being irrational (e.g., beliefs developed as a member of a high-stress family).
• Standards by which we were reared and from which we learned how to act, what to believe, and how to express or experience feelings. When followed, however, these standards do not result in a satisfactory resolution of our current problems.
• Unproductive, unrealistic expectations exacted on ourselves and/or others, guaranteed to be unattainable and to result in continuing negative self-concepts.

What are some examples of irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs (negative) about self:

• I do not deserve positive attention from others.
• I should never burden others with my problems or fears.
• I am junk.
• I am uncreative, nonproductive, ineffective, and untalented.
• I am worthless.
• I am the worst example on earth of a person.
• I am powerless to solve my problems.
• I have so many problems, I might as well give up right now.
• I am so dumb about things, I can never solve anything as complex as this.
• I am the ugliest, most unattractive, unappealing, fat slob in the world.

Irrational beliefs (negative) about others:

• No one cares about anyone else.
• All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted.
• Successful relationships are a trick; you have no control over how they turn out.
• People are out to get whatever they can from you; you always end up being used.
• People are so opinionated; they are never willing to listen to other's points of view.
• You are bound to get hurt in a relationship; it makes no difference how you try to change it.
• There is a loser in every fight, so avoid fights at all costs.
• All people are out for #1; you need to know you'll always be #2, no matter what.
• It's not who you are but what you do that makes you attractive to another person.
• What counts in life is others' opinions of you.
• There is a need to be on guard in dealing with others to insure that you don't get hurt.

Irrational beliefs on other topics

• There is only one way of doing things.
• Work is the punishment man must endure for being human.
• A family that plays (prays) together always stays together.
• Always protecting against the forces of evil in life is the only way to live.
• There are always two choices: right or wrong; black or white; win or lose; pass or fail; grow or stagnate.
• Once you are married and have children, you join the normal human race.
• A handicapped person is imperfect, to be pitied, and to be dropped along the path of life.
• Admitting to a mistake or to failure is a sign of weakness.
• The showing of any kind of emotion is wrong, a sign of weakness, and not allowable.
• Asking for help from someone else is a way of admitting your weakness; it denies the reality that only you can solve your problems.

How can we recognize irrational beliefs?
Irrational beliefs can be present if we:

• Find ourselves caught up in a vicious cycle in addressing our problems.
• Find a continuing series of "catch 22's'' where every move we make to resolve a problem results in more or greater problems.
• Have been suffering silently (or not so silently) with a problem for a long time, yet have not taken steps to get help to address the problem.
• Have decided on a creative problem solving solution, yet find ourselves incapable of implementing the solution.
• Have chosen a problem solving course of action to pursue and find that we are unhappy with this course of action; yet we choose to avoid looking for alternatives.
• Are afraid of pursuing a certain course of action because of the guilt we will feel if we do it.
• Find we are constantly obsessed with a problem yet take no steps to resolve it.
• Find we are immobilized in the face of our problems.
• Find that the only way to deal with problems is to avoid them, deny them, procrastinate about them, ignore them, run away from them, turn our back on them.
• Find that we can argue both sides of our problem, becoming unable to make a decision.
• What are the benefits of refuting our irrational beliefs?
• By refuting our irrational beliefs we are able to:
• Unblock our emotions and feelings about ourselves and our problems.
• Become productive, realistic problem solvers.
• Gain greater credibility with ourselves and others.
• Gain clarity, purpose, and intention in addressing our current problems.
• Reduce the fear of guilt or of hurting others in solving problems.
• Identify the barriers and obstacles that must first be hurdled before our problems can be resolved.
• Come to greater honesty about ourselves and our problems.
• Put our problem into a realistic perspective as to its importance, magnitude, and probability of being solved.
• Separate our feelings from the content of the problem.
• Live richer, more authentic lives.
• View our lives in a healthier perspective, with greater meaning and direction.
• Gain our sense of humor in the presence of our problems and in their resolution.
• Recognize our self-worth and self-goodness and separate it from the errors and mistakes we have made in our lives.
• Forgive ourselves and others for mistakes made.
• Give ourselves and others kindness, tenderness, and understanding during times of great stress.
• Gain a sense of purpose and order in our lives as we solve problems.
• Feel productive as we labor through the muck and mire of our problems.
• Respect our rights and the rights of others as we solve problems.
• Clarify our feelings about the behavior of others without the barrier of self-censorship or fear of rejection.
• Gain a "win-win'' solution to problems, which involves ourselves with others. It opens us up to compromise.

Steps to take in refuting an irrational belief:
Step 1: Is your thinking and problem solving ability being blocked by an irrational belief? Consider a specific problem as you answer the following questions:

1. Am I going in circles in trying to solve this problem?
2. Is there something inside of me that is preventing or keeping me from taking the necessary actions in this matter?
3. Am I bothered by the thoughts of what I or others "should do, act like, think, or feel'' in this situation?
4. Do I find myself saying how this situation "should be," having a hard time facing it the way it really is?
5. Do I use fantasy or magical thinking in looking at this problem? Am I always hoping that by some miracle it will go away?
6. Am I burdened by the fear of what others think of me as I work on this problem?
7. Do I know what the solution is, but become paralyzed in its implementation?
8. Do I find myself using a lot of "yes but's'' in discussing this problem?
9. Do I find it easier to procrastinate, avoid, divert my attention, ignore, or run away from this problem?
10. Is this problem causing much distress and discomfort for me and/or others, and yet I remain stumped in trying to resolve it?

Step 2: If you have answered yes to any or all of the questions in Step 1, you are probably facing a problem or situation in which a blocking irrational belief is clouding your thinking. The next thing to do is to try to identify the blocking irrational belief.

Answer the following questions:

11. Is the blocking belief something I have believed in all my life?
12. Is the blocking belief coming from the teachings of my parents, church, family, peers, work, society, culture, community, race, ethnic reference group, or social network?
13. Is the blocking belief something that always recurs when I am trying to solve problems similar to this one?
14. Is the blocking belief something that has helped me solve problems successfully in the past?
15. Is the blocking belief one that tends to make me dishonest with myself about this problem?
16. Is the blocking belief an immobilizing concept that sparks fear of guilt or fear of rejection in my mind as I face this problem?
17. Is the blocking belief something that can be stated in a sentence or two?
18. Is the blocking belief a consistent statement as I face this problem, or does it tend to change as variables of this problem become more clear to me?
19. Is the blocking belief a tangible statement of belief or is it simply a feeling or intuition?
20. Can I state the blocking belief? If so, write it in your journal: My blocking belief is:

Step 3: Once you have identified the blocking belief in Step 2, test its rationality. Answer the following questions about the belief, ''yes'' or ''no.''

1. Is there any basis in reality to support this belief as always being true?

2. Does this belief encourage personal growth, emotional maturity, independence of thinking and action, and stable mental health?
3. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will help you overcome this or future problems in your life?
4. Is this belief one which, if ascribed to, will result in behavior that is self defeating for you?
5. Does this belief protect you and your rights as a person?
6. Does this belief assist you in connecting honestly and openly with others so that healthy, growth engendering interpersonal relationships result?
7. Does this belief assist you in being a creative, rational problem solver who is able to identify a series of alternatives from which you can choose your own personal priority solutions?
8. Does this belief stifle your thinking and problem solving ability to the point of immobilization?
9. When you tell others of this belief do they support you because that is the way everyone in your family, peer group, work, church, or community thinks?
10. Is this belief an absolute? Is it a black or white, yes or no, win or lose, no options in the middle type of belief?

Healthy answers are:

1-no 2-yes 3-yes 4-no 5-yes 6-yes 7-yes 8-no 9-no 10-no

If you are unable to give healthy answers to one or more question in Step 2, then your blocking belief is most likely irrational.

Step 4: Once you have determined that the blocking belief is irrational, you are ready to refute this irrational belief. Respond to the following questions:

1. How do I consistently feel when I think of this belief?
2. Is there anything in reality to support this belief as being true?
3. What in reality supports the lack of absolute truth in this belief?
4. Does the truth of this belief exist only in the way I talk, act, or feel about this problem?
5. What is the worst thing that could happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
6. What positive things might happen to me if I do not hold on to this belief?
7. What would be an appropriate, realistic belief I could substitute for this irrational belief?
8. How would I feel if I substituted this new belief for my blocking belief?
9. How will I grow and how will my rights and the rights of others be protected by this substitute belief?
10. What is keeping me from accepting this alternate belief?
11. Once you have answered these questions, substitute a rational belief and act on it.

Wisdom discovered at www.coping.org

When does it become abuse?

When do behaviors become abusive? Oregon uses the term "battering." What is battering? Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. Battering is a pattern of living in which one person (usually the man) uses violence or other abusive behavior to control and maintain power over a partner or other family members. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

For purposes of OAR 137-087-0000 through 137-087-0100, the following terms have the meanings set forth below.
(1)"Batterer" means:
(a) An adult male 18 years of age or older who engages in "battering" against women; or
(b) A male minor criminally convicted as an adult of conduct against women that constitutes "battering" in whole or in part.
(2)"Battering" includes but is not limited to physical violence, sexual violence, threats, isolation, emotional and psychological intimidation, verbal abuse, stalking, economic abuse, or other controlling behaviors against women in, but not limited to, the following relationships:
(a) A current or former spouse of the batterer;
(b) An unmarried parent of a child fathered by the batterer;
(c) A woman who is cohabiting with or has cohabited with the batterer;
(d) A woman who has been involved in a sexually intimate relationship with the batterer within the past two years;
(e) A woman who has a dating relationship with the batterer;
(f) An adult woman related by blood, marriage or adoption to the batterer; or
(g) A woman who relies on the batterer for ongoing personal care assistance.
"Battering" may or may not violate criminal law and in most instances is patterned behavior.
(10) "Victim" means a female, including a past or present partner, subjected to battering. A victim may be under the age of 18. In no event shall the batterer be considered a victim for purposes of these rules.

Victims of abuse may experience punched walls, control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed (ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem_100.html).

Below are more specifics about the many forms of "Battering":

Physical Abuse:
Shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, tripping, choking, raping, burning, shooting, stabbing, hair-pulling, arm-twisting, physical restraint, physical confinement.

That first category is primarily what people think of when they hear the word "abusive" or "battering. " But the below categories are also battering, and in many ways, more devastating than the overt physical abuse.

Spiritual Abuse:
Selectively using scripture to change or enforce behavior. Intentionally misusing scripture to force compliance. Ridiculing another’s beliefs. Spiritually putting one’s self above another. Using religious beliefs as the authority behind threats and punishment.

Emotional Abuse:
Criticizing her, shouting at her, swearing at her, putting down her opinions, blaming or shaming her, making her think she's crazy, making her feel stupid, treating her like a servant, accusing her unjustly, embarrassing her, withholding encouragement or affection, bringing up past mistakes, flirting openly, not discussing events that damage the relationship.

Economic Abuse:
Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job, keep her from furthering her education, making her ask for money, taking any money she earns, withholding child support, not letting her know about or have access to family income, not including her in the financial decision for the family.

Intimidation:
Creating fear by using threatening looks or gestures, bullying her by using a loud voice, scaring her by breaking glass, breaking the dishes, kicking a door, destroying her possessions (property abuse-which sends the message “it could have been you”), displaying a weapon, angrily rushing toward her during an argument. Stalking.

Isolation:
Controlling what she does, whom she sees, whom she talks to, what she reads or where she goes; refusing to let her see family or friends; monitoring her phone calls, mileage, clothing or make-up; hiding the car keys so she cannot leave.

Sexual Abuse:
Making her perform sexual acts against her will, attacking the sexual parts of her body, treating her as if she were an object only for sex, forcing her to view pornography, withholding sex to express anger, demanding sex after violence or abuse, harassing her for sexual acts that she objects to performing.

Using the Children:
Harming or threatening to harm the children, using visitation or custody to harass her, threatening to take the children away, putting the children in the middle.

Making Threats:
Threatening to hurt her, threatening to destroy her belongings if she leaves, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to report her to police, welfare, etc.

All of these are tools used by the batterer to achieve and maintain power and control over others. The only way for the a person to change their abusive patters if to become accountable and self-responsible, realizing and internalizing that they cannot control another-they can only control themselves.


mental health

But giving up would cost me everything

Invaluable reminders in this lyric of how important it is to hang on and hope even when we want to give up...

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say,
Even when He is silent,

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe. "

The above lyrics "I Believe in Love" by BarlowGirl, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.
selah

music therapy

Relationship red flags

I found this excellent article written by Cynthia McKenna at http://www.counseling.typepad.com/

When we want a relationship to work, it is normal to try to overlook faults and habits that annoy us, because after all, we all have flaws.

I have met many people, women and men, who are in a lot of emotional pain because they have "tried to overlook" a problem in the name of trying to get along. So how are you supposed to know what is okay and what is not?

Here are 5 tips to help you identify true red flags:

1. If the issue or problem violates who you are or your core values - do not overlook this.

2. If the problem puts you in emotional or physical danger, do not ignore it.

3. If the issue puts your children at risk, you have to take action. I am not just talking about the risk of abuse or neglect - both terribly important issues and hopefully the need for action is clear. I am also talking about risk of your children losing their self-esteem. Sometimes, adults can act in ways that damage children's spirits - their souls. Even if your child says he or she is "okay" and has "forgiven" the transgression, it is a parent's job to protect their children. People do make mistakes, but if your son or daughter is consistently picked-on by adults or siblings, it is your responsibility to notice and help resolve the situation.

4. If there are addictions that are not being treated or addressed through counseling or 12-step programs, trouble is ahead. Addictions develop because there is deep pain. The person with the pain tries to cover it up with drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, etc. Sometimes, this covering-up is a conscious decision, sometimes it is not. However, all addictive behavior should be a red flag.

5. If your intuition tells you that something is wrong or even if you get the sense that things, "aren't right," you should listen to your internal wisdom. Intuition is truly a gift, an internal way of knowing what is good and what is not - we do ourselves a huge favor by listening to our own inner-knowing.

and a bonus tip :)

6. If you are waiting and hoping that the person will change, you might have a long wait. No one likes to change, and change frequently requires great effort and focus. It is reasonable to ask yourself, "What if this behavior does NOT change, am I willing to live with it for the next 20 years?"

Without A Net

Without a Net: Living Life With Trust (http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/10605.html)

"As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.

If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.

We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.

When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way."

Negative thoughts and self sabotage

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Are you carrying around some junk? You know, those hurtful and disastrous things that you may have been told by someone during the course of your life. It was supposed to be taken with a grain of salt or simply ignored but most of the times we take that criticism and wear it like a hat of shame! Negative thinking can make all sorts of things incredibly difficult. It is like a leak in your confidence bucket--constantly drip-drip-dripping away your confidence and self esteem.

Negative thinking can be useful to help assess the possible pitfalls in a potential plan of action, but you need to be able to turn it on and off at will. Otherwise, negative thoughts will sabotage your self belief, your confidence and your achievements. Here are some effects of negative thinking:

Sleeping problems
It can become very difficult to get to sleep, because you feel worse at night. There are a number of reasons why. While you’re trying to drop off to sleep, there’s nothing to distract you from the worries that may have been lurking in the background during the day.

Sapping your self-confidence
The more problems you think you have, the less able you may feel to cope with them, and this can increase your sense of helplessness. This reduces your confidence, making you more vulnerable to your fears.

Unhelpful strategies
Under this kind of pressure, it may become very difficult for you to concentrate and carry on with everyday life, so that your problems tend to build up. It’s emotionally draining to feel anxious all the time. It may feel as though your whole life is being taken over by it.

Negative thoughts are not reserved for just a few people or situations. Everyone is plagued by negative thoughts at one time or another. However, once you begin thinking about what you’re “thinking about” you’ve already taken the first step to controlling negative thoughts.

Research shows that people who receive positive distractions for just eight minutes show a remarkable change in their moods and in breaking the cycle of repetitive thought. So, next time you catch yourself repeating the same negative thoughts over and over in your mind, use the STOP acronym:

1. S - Say the word STOP!

Interrupt your internal destructive thoughts. Tell yourself firmly to “STOP” over thinking. Be strict, and don’t let them intrude on your thoughts. It also might be helpful to visualize a box to place all your negative thoughts in, which you may open at a later date or time.

2. T - TAKE a break!

Take a deep breath. Then, take a break. Go for a walk or a hike, read a great book, listen to your favorite music. Do something to take your attention away from over thinking, and if possible, change the environment.

Also try some relaxation exercises, they often focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This could involve imagining yourself in a new setting, such as a beach, a designer home or a garden. You could visualize your worries as physical objects that can be discarded, such as stones or rocks you could heave into the distance.

Sometimes, doing a relaxation exercise makes people feel quite uncomfortable. You might feel that it’s not working, or that you’re doing it wrong. It’s best to take the attitude that you’re just giving it a go, and that these negative thoughts are normal. Surprisingly, learning to relax takes practice.

3. O - Focus on the OUTCOME!

Focus on the OUTCOME of your goals. Affirm why you are committed to your goals. The way we feel and what we experience in our body comes from what we focus our attention upon during a given moment. And at any moment, we are “deleting” most of what is going on around us. That is, to feel bad, we have to delete (not focus on, not think about) everything that’s great in our life. And vice versa. For us to feel good, we have to delete the things we could feel bad about.

4. P - PRAISE yourself!

PRAISE and acknowledge yourself for the progress you are making. Remember, you’re looking for progress, not perfection! Give yourself a reward every time you’re successful with overcoming negative thoughts. And remember small changes make a big difference.

By recognizing that you do have negative thoughts you’ve taken the first step. Now, start playing “Devil’s Advocate” and challenge yourself to find the positive. Turn your thoughts around and your moods will follow suit.

(This helpful content found at http://ririanproject.com/2007/10/28/here%e2%80%99s-a-quick-way-to-stop-negative-thoughts/)

And remember--our thoughts create our reality!

Loyalty to one's "promise" or loyalty to one's "self"

Loyalty to your "promise" or loyalty to your "self"... or is there something beyond loyalty and love? These questions/conflicts/issues come up a lot in counseling practice... each person chooses differently, and for different reasons.
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(http://packerbacker.blogster.com/loyalty.html)
Is it more important to be loyal to the person you made a vow for better or worse, or to oneself?
When does it become less about the relationship between two people and more about the individual person?
We all make sacrifices for the relationships we get involved in, but eventually as time passes...and one day you realize your only purpose in life is to fulfill others needs, is it all right to think about oneself?
To be loyal to your mate forever...or to find loyalty for yourself...?

What is the proper choice in life?

1. A vow is a vow, and unless infidelity is involved, one needs to stay committed to their mate for better or worse. Period.
2. After years of "going through the motions," one day you realize that being in love doesn’t mean what it used to. You forget "how" to love or even be loved. Then you come to face the "reality" that the person you once were in love with is simply the person you are merely sharing a bed with. So you find love elsewhere when you don’t expect it...do you "go for it"?

If your mate confesses to love you but in turn, you are not "feeling" the love, are the "words" enough to hold onto a life together?

Loyalty to one's vows or loyalty to oneself? (end quote).
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(http://evesenioressay.blogspot.com/)
Romantic love, when it is primarily defined by the current emotional state of the lover, is always ultimately about the self, the lover, and rights he earns by the intensity of his feelings. The lover does not care for the beloved so much as he draws inspiration from her; one might almost say he consumes the beloved, although always to the highest purpose, or at least the highest purpose that the self, trapped in itself, can ever know.

Loyalty is what makes the difference between taking one's beloved as the standard of value and the crown of the world, and taking her as a means to the end of one's own gratification (or, at best, one's own improvement). In promising ourselves (to another), we wish to assuage our beloveds' fears; we are stating that we do not desire to consume them, and we will not abandon them once they have outlived their usefulness {ouch, what a concept to enter love from!}. Further, a mutual promise moves part of the way toward the "ecstatic union" toward which eros impels us. It hooks two lovers together. Eros pushes us to create the closest bonds possible, which do not dissolve or disguise the "otherness" of the beloved; thus not only physical unions but also the uniting of two individuals' futures in vows of loyalty are part of the demands of eros. This is one of the ways in which eros is more extreme in its demands than friendship; another is its emphasis on submission rather than equality. The model of the dual promise--the couple saying "I do"--is a model of mutual submission.

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What, if some day or night a "demon" were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it,... *

Here, recurrence* is a thought-experiment: What would we do, if this happened? How would we respond? And, of course, what can we learn about our "values" from that response? The issue at hand is affirmation of oneself, of one's own actions, and of life. One must relive every moment and, therefore, take every action again; thus we are challenged to find out what would make reliving our actions unbearable. What would make an action so terrible that extinction is preferable to reenacting it? One answer is, that the action damaged something we value more highly than we value our own lives. It was written how eros leads inescapably to regret; the lover values the beloved more than he values his own life, and he fails her.

The man who reacts to the "recurrence"* with despair or terror may have many different motivations. He may be an ascetic, in horror of himself and in love with the void. He may be an adherent of some code of morality against which he has offended, and which he values more than his own life. Or he may be in love. The man who responds to the thought of "recurrence"* with joy is beyond good and evil, for he has cleansed himself of any regret; by the same act, he has gone beyond love. (end quote).
mental health

selah

Dual purpose for Life's Journey

Each of our life journeys has an inner purpose and an outer purpose. The outer purpose is to arrive at our goal, or destination. I believe that I have been primarily focused throughout the years on the outer purpose. But a book I am reading is offering new insight to the dual purpose of life's journey (The book is: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle). The author brings to light that if the destination takes up so much of our attention that it becomes more important than each individual daily step, then we are missing the journey's inner purpose "which has nothing to with where you are going or what you are doing but everything to do with how." So in essence, the journey is not about getting to some "future" point, but the quality of each individual, intentional moment along the path. The author makes a clear distinction between the outer and inner purposes of the journey. The outer portion "may contain a million steps, your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now."
Fascinating. This changes certainly the way I have been looking at my journey... I always knew it was not just about the destination, but this goes beyond that... I need to give this whole thing some more thought!


mental health

Song of the Week: Crazy Beautiful

Crazy Beautiful

"Everybody's been there everyone's the same
but mostly we don't care isn't that a shame
We bring us down face after face
the inside is beautiful but the outside we want to change.
We want to change.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Well every new year you say your gonna change
There's no need to change
We're different but the same
In the eyes of the King
We're beautifully made
In his image we're made
Whoa you're oh so beautiful, you don't need anyone's approval
You've got to believe in your self, you know you are
You're crazy beautiful
Take a look it’s all around you
See the world from different views
The way you shine from the inside
I know with out a doubt
It’s more than what you'll be
In the world's eyes.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone's a approval
You've got to believe in your self you know you are

You're crazy beautiful."

The above lyrics "Crazy Beautiful" by Chasen, are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for educational purposes only. If you like the song, please buy relative CD to support the artist.

selah

music therapy

1 different thought opens the door

How does change begin? Some say simply with desire to change. But desire is often not enough to move us forward into the drive energy it takes to change.

How does change begin? Quite simply, by thinking one thought different. Just like that.

Once you think just one thought differently then that opens the door, paves the way for thinking a second thought differently.

I am a firm believer that in order to change our behavior, we must first change our mind. All lasting change comes from within. It starts with positive thoughts, and then turn thoughts into actions.

The power of positive thinking and personal empowerment is a huge factor. A life filled with gratitude, rather than remorse. A life looking forward, rather than back.

One of the easiest cognitive therapy approaches to understand is that of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) as developed by Albert Ellis.

Rational Emotive Therapy tells us about the ABC’s of emotional life. It is practical and easy to apply.

"A" stands for "Actual Event" and represents what happens to you in life.
"B" stands for a "Belief" about what happened.
"C" stand for the "Consequence" of the event on mood and behavior.

In life it appears to us that events happen and that the events cause our moods and behavior. It appears that A (an event) causes C (a consequence). So, if a friend breaks your trust you may be hurt and depressed. You may later tell someone that your friend has ruined your life and has made you miserable.

However, in order to be hurt and depressed you have to have a belief about what happened. You must be thinking in a certain way. It is your belief or thinking that is creating your reaction. You might be thinking, "It is horrible. It is terrible. I have been betrayed. I’ll never trust again."

It is your belief that is creating the consequence. Change the belief and the result will change. What else could you be telling yourself? What might be a more realistic assessment of the event?

You could be thinking, "This is tough and I don’t like it but I am glad that I found out now rather than later. I made a mistake, but I can learn from it. I can get through it." You reaction might be one of hurt and disappointment, which is a more realistic response. You would not fall into a state of depression and misery.

Changing your belief changes the result.

some information gathered from www.lessons4living.com/depression5.htm
mental health