Mental Health Tip of the Week: What am I willing to give up?

Recently we discussed personal power. Personal power is demonstrated by the willingness to let go of personal choices that have been interfering with your ability to meet your needs. What are you willing to let go of in order to gain personal power and satisfy your needs?

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for self-esteem?

• Wanting or demanding that others approve of you
• Wanting to be perfect
• Having to win
• Minimizing the importance of your feelings and opinions
• Disliking yourself

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for understanding?

• Wanting to be right
• A lack of interest in any other person's point of view
• Ignoring the facts in forming your opinions
• Making hasty judgments about the behavior of others
• Believing others are out to get you

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for emotional security?

• Fearing others
• Fearing the opinions of others
• Continually disregarding your rights in favor of the rights of others (occasionally this is necessary on everyone's part, the issue is when it is continually)
• Believing your personal value is determined by the opinions of others
• Destructive communication skills

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to meet your need for self-control and self-knowledge?

• An aversion to being alone
• An aversion to examining personal thoughts and feelings
• A reluctance to accept ownership of personal choices
• A hesitancy to determine needs
• Rushing to anger

Are you willing to let go of the following in order to be at peace with yourself?

• Unforgiveness-the inability to let things go
• Promising things that you cannot be sure of delivering
• Attempting to control the personal choices of others
• Accepting responsibility for the personal choices of others
• Fighting facts and hating change.

We all can prevent out own needs from being met when we (by our actions) refuse to make room for their fulfillment. Continuing to engage in behaviors that have failed to bring us success in the past will limit our opportunities to see success in our present and our future.

This excellent learning material is adapted from the book entitled "Understanding Anger" by B. Ileen Seeley, M.A.
mental health

Mental Health Tip of the Week: Empowerment

"Everything you need to know about life in one package"... funny! And for many it has been their truth. But personal power--being empowered--is much less about what others do or say regarding our lives, and more about what we choose to act upon for, and enact in, our lives.
There are basically two types of power an individual can have: power _over_ and _personal_ power. To have power over is to control others through manipulation, bribes, and threats. This may be an effective source of power but it has its limits. Trying to have power over is exhausting work because it requires constant vigilance and planning.
By notable contrast, personal power is the ability to take charge of yourself! It is the authority of your thoughts to determine how you feel about what you do. It is the mechanism that enables you to take care of your own needs, and defend against threats to your sense of self.
Personal power does not rely on other people and things for satisfaction or safety. It is free from environmental control. Personal power is inner strength! Self knowledge and self control are necessary components of personal power. You need to be aware of your needs, your rights, and your responsibilities as well as the limits of your control. Personal power is an inside job built on knowing that personal choices (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) are totally under your control!

Your personal choices are responsible for your happiness.

Achieving and maintaining personal power is a great deal less frustrating than attempts to gain power OVER another. With personal power there is no need to seek happiness in futile and fruitless attempts to manipulate, bribe and threaten others. Personal power seeks only to control the things it can.
Personal power raises self-esteem and enhances emotional security by increasing levels of trust (trust in self and trust in others). Gaining control over your thoughts, feelings and behaviors provides confidence in your ability to take care of your own needs. Personal power is "guaranteed power" because it is based solely upon your relationship with yourself. The only thing it depends on is your own integrity.
People who demonstrate personal power:

• Are aware of and accept responsibility for their personal choices.
• Are aware of and accept limits on what they can control.
• Reject responsibility for the choices of others.
• Are willing to change unprofitable personal choices.
• Understand that a change in thoughts creates a change in feelings and behaviors (thoughts are a source for change!)
• Are capable of behaving assertively (while not stepping on others)
• Do not feel the need to defend or justify who they are or what they do.

Are you ready to discover the peace of mind that comes from accepting limits on your power to control? Begin by earning your own self respect by accepting the fact that you may not be able to control a situation, but you can control yourself IN the situation. And in the process of discovering and learning these important truths find that you are truly an empowered individual.

This excellent learning material is adapted from the book entitled "Understanding Anger" by B. Ileen Seeley, M.A.
mental health

Mental Health Tip of the Week: The Power of Saying "No"

The Power of Saying "No":

"No" is such a simple word... only two letters. Yet saying "No" out loud is harder for most people than saying, "I'll be glad to..." (eleven letters) or "When do you need me to..." (seventeen letters)

Most of us said, "No!" quite well when we were two. After all, it's the two-year-old's job to say "No." The authority figures in our lives at the time, our parents expect us to say "No." And it is because of "No" that the year is known as the "Terrible Two's."

Many of us grow up to be people pleasers. The word "No" drops out of our vocabulary, and we substitute lots of ways to be agreeable and keep the other person happy. Saying "No" to the authority figures is not expected. And underneath it all we believe that saying "No" can cost us a lot in our adult life.

The unassertive "No": is accompanied by weak excuses and rationalizations. If you lack confidence when you say "No" you may think that you need to support your "No" with lots of reasons to convince the other person that you mean it.

The aggressive "No": is done with contempt. "Are you kidding? Me, get your mail while you're out of town?" Sometimes the aggressive "No" includes an attack on the person making the request. "You must be crazy. I couldn't take on a project that unimportant."

The assertive "No": is simple and direct. "No, I won't be able to help with that." If you would like to offer an explanation, make it short and simple. "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've already made a commitment for Friday afternoon."

Strategies to make the assertive "No" easier:

1. When someone makes a request, it is always OK to ask for time to think it over. In thinking it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.

2. Use your nonverbal assertiveness to underline the "No." Make sure that your voice is firm and direct. Look into the person's eyes as you say, "No." Shake your head "No," as you say, "No."

3. Remember that "No," is an honorable response. If you decide that "No," is the answer that you prefer to give, then it is authentic and honest for you to say, "No."

4. If you say, "Yes," when you want to say, "No," you will feel resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you energy and discomfort and is not necessary if you just say, "No" when you need to.

5. If you are saying, "No," to someone whom you would help under different circumstances, use an empathic response to ease the rejection. For example, to your friend who needs you to keep her child while she goes to the doctor, you might say, "No, Susie, I can't keep Billie for you. I know it must be hard for you to find someone at that time of day, but I have already made lunch plans and I won't be able to help you."

6. Start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep the commitment to say "No" if it's the first word out of your mouth.

Let's look at some daily ways you can practice saying, "No," so that it comes more naturally to you.
Say "No":

• to the clerk who wants to write your phone number down when you return something to the store
• to the telemarketer who disturbs your dinner
• to your friend's pets when they jump on you
• to the secretary who answers the phone and asks if you mind if she puts you on hold

(by Linda D Tillman, PhD, http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/tillman6.html)

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