Breathing and Noticing... this is something I heard an instructor recommend at a training I attended once. It was actually a mindfulness technique that I believed I could utilize in my own life. Below I am posting a very useful article from PsychCentral with some further calming techniques for a distressed mind. And who couldn't use a little more calming in this crazy world?
Sometimes in life it’s helpful to have signposts that we can see to help bring us back to the present moment and reinforce a certain way of being that we aspire to. Just like signs on the road may help remind us to slow down or children crossing, we can use short verses in our day to day to remind us to be how we want to be.
Check for auto-pilot reaction before moving on: Take a moment to check in with any judgments that might be arising right now. For example, “short verses? Is he nuts? How could that ever help me?” or “What is this, an affirmation, those never work.” Or “why am I even continuing to read this?” If anything like this arises, this is normal, just take a moment to notice the automatic judgment, let it be, take a breath to help ground to the here and now and then gently continue on with the next paragraph.
Acclaimed author, teacher, and Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh uses short phrases all the time to support himself in being more present, grounded, and aware in daily life. He has taught this practice to medical professionals, Psychologists, and students for many years now. He teaches the practices of walking and/or breathing and using these phrases to support us in calming our distressed minds and being more present to every day life.
For example,
You may take three steps while breathing in and say “Breathing in, I calm my body” and then with the following three steps “Breathing out, I relax.” You can then shorten this to saying “calm” as you breathe in, and “relax” as you breathe out.
“Breathing in, I notice the colors all around me, breathing out, I smile.” Then shorten to “Breathing in, colors, breathing out, smile.” Even if we don’t feel like smiling, the simple act of doing a half-smile sometimes can change the tension in our faces, which in turn affects our mood.
“Breathing in, I have arrived, breathing out, I am home.” Then shorten too “Breathing in, arrived, breathing out, home.” Have you ever had the experience where you were rushing home to relax. It doesn’t make sense and isn’t effective is calming the nervous system. Sometimes reminding ourselves that we have arrived to the present moment already and that we are home can help calm an anxious mind. We can then slow down and get home a few minutes later in a more collected and relaxed state.
“Breathing in, I wash my hands, breathing out, may I use them wisely throughout the day.” Shorten to, “Breathing in, washing, breathing out, wise hands.” This practice can not only bring appreciation to one of the unsung heroes of our bodies, our hands, but also reinforce the idea of being aware of all they do during the day and being more mindful with them. This cultivation of appreciation can support us in feeling well.
These are just some examples; you can make up your own that fit for you. You can do this while walking or just sitting and breathing. And of course, most important of all, don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. If it’s not for you, cast it aside, but give it a shot. Pay attention to how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally before doing it and then again after you do it for a few breaths.
I was reading a friend's blog today, and her post reminded me of my thoughts on the subject of being a cracked pot.
I used to believe that I had to be perfect. I somehow internalized the idea that it was my responsibility to keep myself polished and pristine--free of flaws. I don't know if I was taught this at home or at church or if it was the "first born" in me. However, much to my dismay that goal was just not possible to achieve--let alone maintain!
Once reality had hit me square between the eyes, I found myself cracked and scratched up with the paint chipped. I had believed that if I was no longer "perfect" (what a myth that anyone could even be perfect) I was relegated to the shelf in the back room... basically discarded. And there I stayed--for a while. Have you ever been there?
But thankfully, after a time of healing (the healing is ever an ongoing journey not a destination)--including gracious and wise interventions, I discovered that I could still be valuable in spite of the fact I am broken and cracked. And in fact, it seems as if it is because I am cracked that The Light shines out from inside of me to those around me all the more effectively.
Broken AND used... imagine that!
Plus, it is my brokenness that has given me wheelbarrow loads full of compassion and empathy for individuals from all walks of life as well as from many and varied backgrounds.
I'll end this post with a thought provoking quote (which could very well spark another post topic at some point).
"If we're all cracked pots,
then why are most of us walking around
withhammers instead of glue?"
We have all been in situations when we have done something we know we shouldn't have been doing. What is generally our natural reaction?
Cover, deflect, blame, minimize, justify.
I regularly facilitate a group. During group one night this week, while the participants were having their check-in time, one individual gave a report that "all was well and things were going better." Sounded encouraging. However, as facilitator of this group I was privy to information about this person's week that he was not coming clean with. So I probed and prompted, and still he stuck to his story.
The rest of the participants took their turn, and now it was time for break. Right before everyone left the room, this above man said "before we go I have to come clean with everyone..." and he did!
What happened next? Did we call him down? Did the group ridicule him? Did we make a mark on his record? Did we shame him? No! To the contrary, many people--myself included--cheered for him and gave him "high 5's, patted him on the back, etc.
Is that how it works in your world? In your family of origin? In your church?
Why is it that in many churches during the "invitation" a dozen verses of "Just as I am" are sung while everyone's heads are bowed. The pastor almost begs repeatedly for the parishioners to come forward and come clean. Why the hesitation? Why the delay? Could it be because churches, families, communities are sending the wrong message about "coming clean"?
"Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot
...
Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come."
It occurs to me that coming clean ought to look and feel a little more like it did in that group that night. Where a person can't hold inside what they need to be rid of any longer, and before another minute passes they blurt out what it is that they need to confess. And when they do... what is the response? Shame, alienation, recrimination? How about encouragement, rejoicing, welcoming... invitation to restoration!
Which experience leaves you wanting to stand tall, go forth and come clean and stay clean?
Does this seem like a ludicrous question to you? It has taken the health care community long enough to begin to reintegrate the mind and body connection. How challenging would it be to see individuals incorporate spirit along with the mind and the body? We tend to be better served when we think of ourselves as whole individuals comprised of mind, body and spirit. I recently read an article online regarding the role spiritual coping plays in recovery from depression.
Quote: Depressed seniors who believe their life is guided by a larger spiritual force have significantly fewer symptoms of depression than those who do not use religious coping strategies. Moreover, this relationship is independent of the amount of social support those individuals receive, according to results of a prospective study presented at the 2002 annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association.
"This is a pretty remarkable study–and when you see these kind of data coming out from both medical and psychiatric populations, it’s hard to continue ignoring religion as a variable in the recovery from depression," said Harold G. Koenig, MD, associate professor of psychiatry and of medicine at Duke University Medical Center, Durham, N.C.
According to study author Hayden Bosworth, PhD, attempts in the literature to distinguish the effects of religion from the effects of social support on depression have led to mixed success (Husaini BA et al. Int J Aging Hum Dev 1999;48:63-72). Dr. Bosworth, associate director, health services research and development, Durham Veterans Affairs Medical Center, and his colleagues attempted to address the issue by examining the effects of religious practices, coping mechanisms and social support on recovery among individuals diagnosed with major depression.
"These results indicate that clinicians should encourage reconnection with religion as a way of coping in patients whose spirituality has been important to them," concluded Dr. Bosworth.
"Physicians need to pay attention to their patients’ religious beliefs and practices," added Dr. Koenig. "Rather than continuing to see it as a liability or unhealthy crutch, they should see it as a potential strength in overcoming depression."
–Daniel Ko
Table. Questions Asked About Religious Practices and Positive and Negative Religious Coping
Religious Practices
Frequency and nature of:
attendance at religious services and other religious activities at places of worship
prayer outside of a church or synagogue
watching or listening to religious programming
reading the Bible or other religious or inspirational literature
Positive Religious Coping
Agreement with the following statements:
"I think about how my life is part of a larger spiritual force."
"God and I work together as partners."
"I look to God for strength, support and guidance."
Negative Religious Coping
Agreement with the following statements:
"I feel God is punishing me for my sins or lack of spirituality."
"I wonder whether God has abandoned me."
"I try to make sense of the situation and decide what to do without relying on God."
Is that a revelation to any of you? I think at one point in time in my life it was a revelation to me. How much daily energy do we spend trying to overtly or covertly change those around us? A friend, a boyfriend, a family member, a wife? Why? Why do we exert so much of our precious energy trying to change everyone else around us... except for ourselves? How can we take self-responsibility in our own lives and leave the change and growth of others up to those individuals? So many questions. Maybe this article will have some answers.
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (on PsychCentral)
One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.
Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.
But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.
Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”
We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.
What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.
There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).
If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.
People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.
So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.
How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? Be honest now... it could have been some variation on that theme to sugar coat it... but we have all said it! Why do people play the blame game? Here is an excellent article byKeith Ferrazzion this topic.
Whom do we blame when we fail? The short answer is "everyone but ourselves." Extensive research in psychology (Jones & Harris 1967, Ross 1977) has shown that when we fail, we tend to attribute the cause of our failure to reasons outside of ourselves: The market was weak. The inputs were poor. The weather was bad.
Think about it. When was the last time you failed to complete something on time at work - and why? Most people will list reasons that seem to be completely beyond their control. But now consider the last time a colleague or a subordinate (or family member or friend) failed to deliver on a project. Whom did you blame then? Well, if you're like most people, you blamed the colleague or subordinate.
This phenomenon, dubbed the Fundamental Attribution Error, is a pervasive bias that affects all of us to some degree, but why? Psychologists would argue that in our attempt to preserve our self-respect and self-esteem that we internalize our successes and externalize our failures. In other words, we like to like ourselves! Seems innocent enough, maybe even healthy, right? The problem is when "liking ourselves" turns into complacency, and we stop seeing room for improvement. Clearly there are times when we are to blame for our failures.
So how do we sort through our bias to narrow in on that slippery but useful thing we call "reality?" That's where peers come in. Since they're biased in the opposite way that we are, they're a neat check to our own perspective. That is, if we consistently internalize our successes, others will consistently externalize them, and the reverse with failure. Presto!: We compare notes, and start to get a more nuanced picture of what's contributing to our downfalls - and as importantly, of what'll deliver the most and the richest success.
This is an important article on a vital topic. I have worked both with Veterans, and with Domestic Violence offenders. Both populations are both challenging and rewarding to work with. I heard many stories of returning Vets struggling to reintegrate themselves into their worlds while also struggling to manage their increased inner rage and irritability--possibly brought to the surface by PTSD. In the article below (from Psych Central) new research suggests the risk of domestic violence will rise as increasing number of veterans are diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
"The consequences (of PTSD and domestic violence) on families and children in communities across the United States are an emerging concern says Monica Matthieu, Ph.D., an expert on veteran mental health and an assistant professor of social work at Washington University in St. Louis.
'Treatments for domestic violence are very different than those for PTSD. The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has mental health services and treatments for PTSD, yet these services need to be combined with the specialized domestic violence intervention programs offered by community agencies for those veterans engaging in battering behavior against intimate partners and families.'
Matthieu and Peter Hovmand, Ph.D., domestic violence expert and assistant professor of social work at Washington University, are merging their research interests and are working to design community prevention strategies to address this emerging public health problem.
'The increasing prevalence of traumatic brain injury and substance use disorders along with PTSD among veterans poses some unique challenges to existing community responses to domestic violence' says Hovmand.
'Community responses to domestic violence must be adapted to respond to the increasing number of veterans with PTSD. This includes veterans with young families and older veterans with chronic mental health issues.'
Even as the demographic of the veteran population changes as World War II veterans reach their 80s and 90s and young veterans completing tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, the numbers of living veterans who have served in the United States military is staggering. Current estimates indicate that there are 23,816,000 veterans.
Matthieu says there are evidence-based psychological treatment programs that can be a great resource for clinicians to learn how to identify and treat PTSD symptoms. However, identifying battering behaviors among veterans with active PTSD symptoms may be difficult and may require consultation and referral to domestic violence experts.
Research in the VA shows that male veterans with PTSD are two to three times more likely than veterans without PTSD to engage in intimate partner violence and more likely to be involved in the legal system.
'Community violence prevention agencies and services need to be included in a veteran’s treatment plan to address the battering behaviors,' says Hovmand.
.Veterans need to have multiple providers coordinating the care that is available to them, with each provider working on one treatment goal. Coordinated community response efforts such as this bring together law enforcement, the courts, social service agencies, community activists and advocates for women to address the problem of domestic violence. These efforts increase victim safety and offender accountability by encouraging interorganizational exchanges and communication'."
Anyone else out there feel the joys and the pains of being in a relationship? It can be the best thing that ever happened to us, and yet it can also provide some of the biggest challenges in our lives. However, I would like to see those challenges become bridges to greater health, understanding and connecting--rather than become road blocks leading to breakdown of harmony and functioning. There is a lot of good stuff inthe below article. Not all of it will apply to every relationship, as we are all so very different in the ways we relate. But there may just be some helpful pieces that can be taken from the information and used to enhance your relational world. So, take what is useful and leave the rest.
Improving Communication Skills in Relationships
Create a context in which your partner can feel free to share feelings, thoughts, fantasies, hurts, and complaints, without the fear that you will condemn, attack, lecture, or simply withdraw. We tend to be as critical of others as we are of ourselves.
Know that you have a right to your feelings as others have a right to theirs.
Working on a relationship always begins with working on ourselves.
Try not to blame all of the relational problems on your partner.
Remember, you only have control over changing yourself, not others, and the temptation is to blame others for our problems.
Don't rush yourself into sharing emotionally painful information.
Sometimes it's best to write out your concerns in private then share them with your partner at a later time.
The Sentence-Completion method can help. Set aside a block of time when you and your partner can talk and after obtaining agreement, do the following exercise. Practice now with your partner...
Both of you should take turns completing the following statements on communication:
Communication to me means ...
The hard thing about intimate communication is ...
Sometimes I withdraw from communication when ...
It is also beneficial to complete the following statements on self-disclosure:
I am a person who ...
One of the things I'd like people to know about me is ...
When I try to talk about things that are important to me...
When I try to express intimate feelings ...
If I were more open about expressing my feelings and opinions ...
When people try to talk with me, sometimes I ...
Further it is useful to explore obstacles to communication by completing these statements:
If I weren't concerned about the listener's response ...
Sometimes I become blocked when ...
One of the ways I sometimes make it difficult for people to talk to me is ...
Miscommunication - Root Cause of Problems?
People with opposing ideas can soon stir up arguments and fights. It's that situation when one thinks he has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion. Both of them may try to outsmart each other until one claims victory.
There's a conflict with their beliefs. No two people are exactly alike. We are totally unique; not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
There will be many times when your opinion will not correspond with that of another. So how can we prevent this kind of conflict from occurring? Communication is the key to overcoming doubts and misunderstandings. You should let other people know what's in your mind. Don't keep them guessing.
Why would people prefer to keep their complaints and criticisms to themselves? What's holding them back? It's because they do not want to be rejected. Most, people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.
So can you get your message across without hurting the other person's feelings? One thing you can do is to substitute negative statements with more positive ones.
Instead of saying, "You don't understand," say "Let me explain."
Instead of remarking, "You're wrong," say "Permit me to clarify."
Instead of stating, "You failed to say..." just mention, "Perhaps this was not stated..."
There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning. Nothing is more pleasing than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions.
You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first. Say something like:
"You're right, although..."
"Great suggestion, however..."
"I agree with your opinion, but have you also considered..."
"I would feel the same way if I were you, although..."
"I understand your situation. From my point of view..."
Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone's advantage.
Think first before you speak. Many relationships have been ruined by the wrong choice of words. Some people voice out anything that comes to their mind, without first filtering the good words from the bad ones. This might result in misunderstandings and arguments, which could have easily been prevented if we had spoken in a way that was neutral and non-offensive, even empathic.
Words are very powerful indeed. Use them responsibly for the benefit of all.
Personal relationships deteriorate when what is needed and wanted is not expressed; the resulting frustrations build up and result in increasing anxiety and upset. This is particularly likely to occur with sexual relationships, when problems or disagreements about sexual issues are not discussed openly and honestly. If this is the case in your personal life, then here's how to go about improving matters.
Note: this is an exercise to do with your sexual partner. Of course, many of the principles apply equally to any sensitive issue.
Break The Ice
Talk with your partner about why it's hard to talk about sex.
Share earlier experiences with talking about sex.
Gradually move toward discussing more personal feelings and concerns.
Read and discuss material if it seems easier than spontaneously talking about personal matters.
Share your sexual histories including such areas as sex education, first experience with sexuality, etc.
Listen and Provide Feedback
Active listening helps to show you are interested in what your partner is saying. Ask questions and make brief comments to help increase your understanding of what is being said.
Maintaining eye contact displays caring and validation.
Reflect back to your partner what you have understood them to say. This conveys active listening and an interest in understanding.
Be supportive of your partner's efforts to communicate.
A statement of appreciation or thanks can go a long way to strengthening a relationship.
Express "unconditional positive regard." Convey the sense that you will value your partner regardless of what they communicate to you.
Discover Your Partner's Needs
Ask open-ended, clarifying and extending questions to gain the most information about your companion's desires. Your partner will probably appreciate your concern.
If the subject you are interested in is particularly sensitive, try self- disclosing first. Self-disclosure will model trust and a willingness to take risks.
Compare notes on sexual preferences. This can be an effective way of learning about what does and doesn't stimulate your partner, and is certainly more efficient than trial and error.
Give your partner permission to talk about his/her feelings.
Learn To Make Requests
Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Realize that people are not mind readers and genuinely communicate your needs and desires.
Make requests specific. This will increase the chance that your wishes will be understood and granted.
Use "I" language. Although it is sometimes difficult to personalize requests, it is often the best means of getting a positive response.
Delivering Criticism
Be aware of your motivation. Is it based on a constructive desire to make your relationship better?
Choose the right time and place. Try not to be critical when anger is at it's peak. Give your partner a choice about when he/she would like to talk. Be aware of your partner's needs when choosing a location.
Temper criticism with praise. This will reduce the likelihood of your partner responding in a defensive or angry fashion, and increase the chances of him/her accepting what you have to say.
Nurture small steps toward change. Be generous with your support and encouragement of change. Realize that it is normal to revert back to comfortable patterns which have developed over time, so don't be too discouraged if there is some backsliding.
Avoid "why" questions. They tend to be perceived as attacking and hurtful. Better to say 'I don't understand...'
Express your anger appropriately. Direct your anger toward your partner's behaviors, not his/her character. Don't forget to remind your partner that you appreciate them as a person. Take responsibility for your anger.
Your partner cannot make you feel angry; you choose to respond that way.
But not before checking to see if anyone out there once attended LaSalle University in Mandeville, LA. If you did, please come check in with an Alumni page on Facebook.
I work with a domestic abuse intervention program, co-facilitating a group designed to rehabilitate the domestic abuse offenders. This post is not about that as much as it is about the age old question that is asked of any victim of domestic abuse: "why do they stay?" I read an excellent article recently that eloquently and pretty thoroughly covers this quandary. Here is a part of the article. The link will take you to the website and the entire article.
1. Ethical objections to leaving. Some people feel that it is their duty to stay in a relationship where they suffer violence. This is easy to reject out of hand but I’m not sure we should. Most of us don’t leave a relationship as soon as it doesn’t suit us. ... I want to pay tribute to the honor and truth in this position. Suffering can be positive.
I grew up in a tradition that values martyrdom - mainstream christianity. This is quite a different evaluation of suffering to the “If I’m not enjoying it I’m out of here” school.
So I understand and honor some elements of this ethical stance. And I think it is usually best for people to leave a situation where they are suffering violence.
Firstly about martyrdom. The martyrs went to their deaths rejoicing. If you can’t do this then it seems most likely that the suffering is demonic rather than a summons from the divine. Secondly, about children. The value of suffering for our children is in the context of the growth of a healthy person and a healthy relationship. Usually staying in a situation of domestic violence perpetuates a very unhealthy relationship - this is a decisive difference.
2. Psychological difficulties with leaving.
This can be what is called ‘learned helplessness’. People who are violated often are left devoid of initiative. (The complement to this is an all-consuming and unreasoning rage, which they suppress because they feel to let it out will have devastating consequences.)
It can also be that they feel they ‘deserve’ to be treated badly. This is often the case with abused children. They feel that they are in some way to blame, or if they weren’t bad then the other person wouldn’t have done this to them.
This can be extreme and extraordinarily difficult to be with. A woman therapist I knew was working with a woman in an awfully abusive relationship - she had been hospitalized many times and still wouldn’t leave. The woman therapist said, “Look, he nearly killed you - it probably was just an accident that you weren’t killed. What could be worse about leaving?” Dealing with this kind of stuff is quite awful.
It is important to say that rage can be worked with in a way that is safe to all people and that doesn’t damage the furniture. It can take time and patience and lots of support but it can be done. It is sometimes part of self defense for women classes.
3. Nowhere to go. Sometimes external circumstances are very difficult. In small communities - whether geographically like a town with a small population, or in other ways (eg religious or other groups) - there can be no external supports. Leaving means leaving the whole social network.
This is really a problem with the rest of us. I’ll give an example from my own tradition - mainstream christianity. The denominations could get together and announce that every congregation would now have people in it who would offer sanctuary to anyone suffering domestic violence (the names would be kept secret). There could be a phone number for people to ring so that anonymity could be guarded. They would also institute programs that worked with perpetrators. This would involve some training and other costs. My guess is that it could easily be funded in each country by the selling of a cathedral or large piece of land.
Usually perpetrators do not stop their violence until someone outside the relationship becomes involved. Usually someone with social sanction, such as the police or other officials. Perpetrators usually don’t change until they ‘have to’ - having to because otherwise they’ll lose the relationship or end up in gaol. This is unfortunate but it is true in most areas: we usually feel stressed and over-burdened and don’t want the hassle of changing. It is just as true in the situation of domestic violence. If you are in a violent relationship or know of one, it is well worth considering getting officialdom involved.
Finally, it is important to say that domestic violence can and does end. There are relationships where the perpetrators have changed: their violence has stopped never to return. In my experience this has always been after the person suffering the violence has left. I have personally known relationships where this has happened.
I’ve written this with much nervousness. Writing about this in cold type means it can feel cold and like the suffering is being trivialized. I hope this doesn’t read this way. I decided to take the risk because it is a topic that needs dealing with.
From "Family Corner.com"--here are some really important keys to making sure you really hear what your loved ones (or anyone you interact with really) are telling you.
"One of the most important skills that you need in any and all of these relationships is listening. Better listening skills will allow you to create a more harmonious relationship where respect and cooperation are more likely to occur. How well do I really listen to others? How well do I listen to myself? Can I be still and quiet enough to really listen? Or do I feel restless when there is silence and so I start talking right away?
Listen with concern and a desire to understand. Do not pretend to be listening or give only part of your attention if you are distracted. If you need and it is possible, ask the person to wait until you can be more attentive.
Let the other person talk without interrupting. Avoid quickly giving advice interrupting or making assumptions as to what you think they are going to say. Pause and breathe staying present and silent until he/she is finished.
Do not prepare your answer while they are talking. Try to stay only in the listening mode. Once you have all the information you will be more prepared to respond.
Do not engage in selective listening. Listen to the words, facts and overall content of the person's story. Do not just pay attention to what you find interesting.
While you are listening observe their facial expressions, gestures, eye movement and body posture.This will give you information as to what they might be feeling about their conversation, more information to help you understand.
The second part of the skill is learning to reflect back what you heard the person saying. Paraphrasing and repeating back what you heard allows the person to know you have been listening. It keeps clarity in conversation and allows for overall better communication. This is also a skill that requires some practice. Here are a few tips.
Try to briefly summarize what you heard them say and repeat it back to them.
Ask them if this is what they were trying to tell you. If not, try again to summarize or ask them to repeat part of what you did not understand.
Do not immediately respond with your belief, opinion or advice before you have clarified their position. Only give advice if they are asking for it.
Use empathy in your response instead of being judgmental. Be neutral and clarify what you heard their feelings, thoughts or opinions to be. Do not yell, argue or criticize. Ask more questions. Try asking why, when, where or who questions. This gives you more information.
Determine what they need from you. Would they like you just to listen and say nothing, give feedback, provide advice, help them problem solve a situation? Of course, if you are talking to young children, you may have to interrupt this yourself and offer what your intuition feels they need.
Make a note of the new interaction and compare it with your old way of listening or not listening. Observe their manner- are they calmer, more appreciative? What do you notice?
We all have a need to be listened to and understood."
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